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Lifetime Remakes Your Favorite Games
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on June 14, 2012   |   Episode 58 (Show Archive)  


It's not a real Lifetime original movie unless it stars Tiffani-Amber Thiessen!
There is nothing worse than a Lifetime original movie. Between demonizing men and stereotyping women, these low-budget movies end up helping nobody. And yet, for reasons I will never comprehend, they remain popular. I guess women haven't gotten sick of the cliched formulas and hokey writing. Like I said, there's nothing worse than a Lifetime original movie.

It turns out that I might be wrong. Recently Lifetime opened up their archives for the first time ever, unearthing a collection of rarely seen movies based on popular video games. Being the most trusted name in video game journalism, I decided that I needed to see this first hand and report back on my findings. Sadly, I discovered the same boring storylines you get from your typical Lifetime original movie. Here are my thoughts on five of Lifetime's most outrageous offenders.

Silent Hill
Starring: Baby from Dirty Dancing teams up with that guy from The Avengers.

Brief Synopsis: Sick of her cheating husband and unappreciative teenage son, Molly (Jennifer Grey) decides to skip town and have a girl's night out in nearby Silent Hill. Unfortunately, what Molly doesn't realize is that Silent Hill is haunted! For the past century, the ghosts of Silent Hill have spent their afterlife torturing anybody who dares enter their city. But they have met their match. Molly and friends aren't going to let a few beheadings get them down, these four gals are determined to make the best of their time away from hapless husbands and annoying kids. Will the ghosts survive Silent Hill?

What the Critics Say: "If War of the Worlds was about four women bitching, then Silent Hill would have been a clumsy remake. For two hours the audience had to sit there listening to each of these women rattle on about the attractive new girl in the office, the bimbo selling clothes in the mall, how expensive tanning has become, trying to sell a beach home in this economy and anything else that popped into their tiny minds. There's a twenty minute long monologue about the weather outside. From time to time there are glimpses of true horror, but so much of this movie boils down to fashion. I have no idea how four women stuck in a haunted town are able to have 177 costume changes."

Band Hero
Starring: Jamie from Charles in Charge is married to Mickey from 3 Days Blind.

Brief Synopsis: Jennifer (Nicole Eggbert) has the perfect gift picked out for her brand new husband -- a magical wish that will change their lives forever! But instead of wishing for something the whole family could use, Alex (Bret Anthony) wastes his wish on becoming a big time rock star singing the hottest songs from the Spice Girls, Talyor Swift and more. This sends the newlyweds life into a spiral, complete with drugs, sex and other backstage shenanigans. Can Jennifer keep her marriage together, or will she discover that her hunky neighbor (Brett Le Bourveau) is the right man for her heart? Love knows no bounds in Band Hero.

What the Critics Say: "Nicole is near lifeless as Jennifer, a do-nothing everywoman who watches her life slip away all because of one stupid wish. She exhibits no human emotions, instead choosing to stand around gape-jawed by what is happening around her. I've seen better acting on a Baywatch poster. And just when you get used to the crummy dialog and unnecessary special effects, you're left with an overpowering soundtrack full of the worst songs from the 1980s, 90s and beyond."

Fat Princess
Starring: The girl next door in The Big Bang Theory battles the eye candy that was fired after Transformers 2.

Brief Synopsis: Princess Candace (Megan Fox) has a real world problem -- she gained five pounds over the holidays. And that's not all; she has a royal ball to attend in less than a week! LIKE TOTES DISASTER!! To get back into shape, Princess Candace flies half way around the world to stay at a Wisconsin-based fat farm. It's here that she befriends Becca (Kaley Cuoco), a down-to-earth farm girl with a passion for chocolate, clothing design and random internet hook-ups. Things take a dark turn when Becca suspects that her new boyfriend is the Craigslist killer. Will Becca have what it takes to survive her newest encounter? Who cares, because Princess Candy still has five pounds to lose!

What the Critics Say: "Forget the Craigslist killer silliness; I'm more frightened by the fat farm presented in this movie. Why are these instructors forcing these people to carry fat people from the hedge maze all the way to the pool? Whatever happened to portion control and a brisk run? The real movie I want to see is the Craigslist killer fighting these blood-thirsty fat farm caregivers. If this expensive resort really wanted the princess to lose weight, they would stop feeding her cake."

Parasite Eve: The 3rd Birthday
Starring: O-Ren Ishii from Kill Bill puts down the sword and guns down countless monsters!

Brief Synopsis: Like a lot of brides-to-be, Aye Brea (Lucy Liu) has a lot left to accomplish on her wedding checklist. She still needs to pick out bridesmaid dresses, choose a band, settle on the food and, most importantly, kill a bunch of monsters before the world ends. To make matters worse, Aye's fiance is starting to get nervous about the upcoming nuptials and an unexpected "friend" from her past is about to make an appearance. Can Aye save the world from flesh-eating monsters AND have a show-stopping wedding all on the same day? The 3rd Birthday says "I do!"

What the Critics Say: "I don't! Not only is this vapid entertainment, but The 3rd Birthday further proves that Lifetime movies are inherently sexist. Forget the lame, two-dimensional men (who spend most of the movie being beaten up); The 3rd Birthday is even worse to the women. Aye is represented as a shrill Bridezilla, whose only worth in this world is standing next to a wealthy man. The demonic shootout at the end makes this slightly more watchable than 27 Dresses, but even that is brought down thanks to some grade-Z special effects."

Call of Duty
Starring: Batman's Vicky Vale mourns for Jason Bly from Burn Notice.

Brief Synopsis: When her husband is shipped out to serve his country overseas, Bethany (Kim Basinger) answers her own call of duty. Alone for the first time in over two decades, this stay-at-home mother is awakened to the life she's always dreamt of. Join Bethany on her journey of self-discovery; from experimenting with drugs to her torrid affair with a local farmhand. Be there as a mysterious man tries to kidnap her newborn baby. Watch her fight back for justice and womanhood. But most importantly, watch her fall in love all over again. You'll feel the impact of the explosions as Bethany gives her last ounce of love to the town bishop, candy shop owner and the Green Bay Packer's starting line-up. This will be a year she'll never forget ... and neither will you.

What the Critics Say: "Call of Duty is a sleazy guilty pleasure. While some would argue that the husband's story would have made for a more exciting movie, I found myself riveted to the screen wanting to know what outlandish thing Bethany would do next. I'll admit that some of the plotting is a little too obvious. I saw all four of Bethany's pregnancies coming a mile away and the mid-air parachute sex scene was ripped straight out of Point Break. On the other hand, I've never seen a kangaroo used in so many inventive ways. The acting is appropriately cheesy and the sexy saxophone work overpowers every second of softcore love making. This is one call you should answer."



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