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Ten Video Game X-Files (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on May 20, 2001   |   Episode 9 (Show Archive)  

   
WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Why was the Turbo Grafx CD Box 4 Feet Tall and Two and a Half Feet Deep? Think I'm over exaggerating? I'm not, when I was younger I knew people that could fit in the box STANDING UP!! And the system, even without the Turbo Grafx part, is at most a foot and a half wide!! Take it from every other company, the bigger the box doesn't mean the better the product. The PS2, Dreamcast, PlayStation, Saturn, and many other systems were packaged in a realistic box, and one that didn't get us into this energy crisis! I can fit 14 PSONE boxes in my old Turbo Grafx CD box, that's a problem. #9 Why is there no outfielding in World Series 2K for the Dreamcast? World Series Baseball on the Saturn plays better than any other Baseball game before it, and after it. But World Series Baseball on the Dreamcast is a whole different matter. The batting game is here, but the opposing team hits it deep into left field, well, that's your cue to make yourself a drink, as the computer is GOING to go for it! There is no out fielding at all, and for whatever lazy reason that was for, Sega has some explaining to do! #8 Why Don't First Person Shooters on the PS2 Use the Keyboard and Mouse USB Ports? I think it's universally unanimous: when playing a first person shooter, the keyboard and mouse is the best way. Think differently? You obviously haven't tried it. No, try it now, that's right, I'll wait. See, wasn't that better. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the two analog controls on Time Splitters, but beings as there are USB ports (two of them) and USB keyboards and mouses, why aren't these companies REALLY making the PS2 gamers happy? #7 Why did Nintendo Advertise their Virtual Boy as a portable?? They might as well tell everybody that they should also take breaks from it every 10 - 15 minutes, or that it can cause permanent eye site damage, or that it can really wreak havoc when you're driving, because all of these things are truer than Nintendo calling it a PORTABLE. I guess "one man uplink unit" had already been taken. #6 Why can't you say words like "SHOES" or "SATURDAY" in Phantasy Star Online, yet it has no problem with "CHILD ABUSE", "CRANK", and "HASH" Yeah, so there may be an answer, but this goes a lot deeper, don't you think. I mean, there really is something wrong with a world (or game that is pretending to be a world) that lets you get away with Child Abuse, Murder, and alcoholism, but not Shoes, Saturday, or me going and picking WEEDS. Don't worry, you can still ask other people in the game "whether they have, or have ever been, a member of the Communist party". #5 Why would Atari want you to do the math, when after you've done the math you still don't get the right answer? Alright, so, let's do the math here -- Processor #1: 32 Bit + Processor #2: 64 Bit + Processor #3: 64 Bit + Processor #4: 32 Bit + Processor #5: 16 Bit = 208 Bits! But how about this math, how about the average, perhaps that's 64 Bits, but again, that math is wrong (41.6 Bits is the right answer). So, what math were they doing? #4 Why Isn't the Dreamcast and the Dreamcast Keyboard the Same Color? My best guess, and this is just a guess, is that Sega realized they needed a keyboard, and instead of sitting and designing a new keyboard, they went to Packard Bell, or one of the computer giants, and commissioned a batch of keyboards. The only problem, the colors are CLEARLY not the same. Heck, they would be if I smoked around my Dreamcast a lot, but then it might start looking like the PS2. #3 Who's idea was Shaq Fu? Alright, so it's easy to go and blame Shaq Fu on the team members or Electronic Arts and Delphine , but this producer and developer has brought us tons of GREAT games. So, perhaps the biggest blame should be given to Shaq. He DID release a CD (which this was, somewhat, base off of) of the same name, heck, he even gave a single away with the game. Here's a sample lyric (I can't believe I actually listened to this song again): "You wanna rumble wit me, tumble wit me, I float like a cloud, sting like jungle bee. Bad boys, so whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I would go on, but the next two lines reference both Hall and Oats and Sting, the pain can only last for so long! #2 Why did Nintendo Release the Virtual Boy at $179.99? Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Nintendo, who has ALWAYS strived for the inexpensive "family" market (except on the Nintendo 64 carts), has been good to us, and surely they must have known that selling a black and red "non-portable portable" for more than their Super NES and a Genesis put together was a horrible idea. They quickly discounted the price, but the system was dead even before Nintendo announced the price. #1 Why Didn't Thrill Kill come out? Because as big as Electronic Arts is, and as much money as they make, Thrill Kill was just too violent for them. But I don't buy it, not for a second. They cancelled the project when it was almost done, and then forbid the makers to sell it to another company? Why, so you could make a Wu Tang Clan game? Having played (and owning) Thrill Kill I do not see a big deal with the violence, and if you look at some of what has come out by Capcom or Sega, well, I don't think Electronic Arts has anything to worry about. Personally, I smell a conspiracy. Question: Okay wise guy, you've given us all sorts of questions to ponder about what you don't understand. Enlighten us, what DOES make sense to you? There are a few things that make sense to me. Video game controls make sense. Memory cards make sense. And sound effects make sense. But of all the things that seem sound in this industry, it's the fact that companies will ALWAYS get you to buy accessories. The PlayStation 2 requires it's gamers to buy a multi-tap to play their favorite multiplayer games. The Xbox requires a remote control to enable DVD playback. And both the GameCube and PlayStation 2 offer an optional network adaptor. And don't think the next generation will be much different. You will likely have to buy more than games until games are no more.
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