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Top Ten New Control Ideas (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on September 09, 2005   |   Episode 62 (Show Archive)  

WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Blow-Up Doll Okay, we're going to completely pass over the extremely creepy thought that pop into your mind when I say Blow-Up Doll. We're going to get those perverted thoughts out of your head because this is a serious topic here. You see, we're not going to even think about the disturbing things people do with a Blow-Up Doll to get to the obvious joke: Just imagine how much more trouble Rockstar Games would be in if they had offered a Blow-Up Doll accessory with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You think Jack Thompson is after them now, had they offered this device they would be looking at jail time now, perhaps worse! Look, I told myself early on that I wasn't going to work this hard for that joke ... but sometimes you can't help it. This is my moment of weakness, I gave in. But now we can move on and try to build up confidence in ourselves, feeling better every day. Oh, and don't pretend like you've never wanted a Blow-Up Doll control. That's hot! #9 Bagpipes When it comes to teaching kids how to play a musical instrument there is a lot of software to choose from. You learn to play guitar, drums, and even the piano, all done by purchasing some special software and instrument-shaped control. Well now you can expand your child's musical taste by offering him something he'll never forget (or forgive you for) - the bagpipes. But this is no ordinary bagpipe, it's the very special Virtual Bagpipe, the only program that promises to have you playing like the pros in a week and annoying the neighbors in mere seconds. Hey college kids, tired of listening to your roommate's Celine Dion CD collection? Crack out the Virtual Bagpipe to show them who's really in control. There is nothing louder or more annoying than the Virtual Bagpipe! Just try to prove us wrong! #8 Crowbar In the long history of video games there have been a lot of wacky controls based on simple items. There was that Fishing Pole control, a skateboard for your fingers, and even a joystick that doubled for a glove, but while they've all been simple, they've never gone as basic as the crowbar! Thanks to Mad Catz new Crowbar control you won't need to worry about pushing buttons or aiming your analog sticks in weird directions; oh no, now it's as simple as smacking your Crowbar against stuff. It doesn't matter if it's the table, your TV, or another person, just as long as it's not breakable this control will register real hits in the video game you're playing ... hmm, on second thought, maybe it's not such a good idea to hit the table, your TV, or another person. Either way, there is no control more basic than the Crowbar, Mad Catz answer to the DDR pad. #7 Credit Card Reader This one is not all that crazy, especially when you consider the micro-transaction system Microsoft is planning on using in their future titles. Now instead of going to all the trouble of typing those credit card numbers into your Xbox 360 you can simply buy this accessory that will allow you to swipe your card just like they do in the movies. The possibilities are endless; not only will it work with all your favorite credit cards, but you can use your grocery store card, your library card, your food stamp card, and even your very special, limited edition Scott Baio fan club card! Practice for the time when sliding your card will be an Olympic event. But when it comes right down to it, most companies would probably only use it to make extra money ... something we should all be used to by now. #6 Lie Detector New from Nintendo, it's the Lie Detector control ... they're way of making sure you stay honest. Nintendo wants you to enjoy their games, but not to the point where it might become dangerous. As our politicians worry about the messages being put into kids minds thanks to video games, Nintendo is here to make sure the youth is not corrupted. At the first sign that you are being dishonest Nintendo will turn off the system and only allow you to play in 15 minute intervals. Nintendo believes that an honest gamer will likely grow up to be one of the few gamers that decides not to murder, rape, and torture. Nintendo's Lie Detector isn't all that intrusive and once you get it down it only takes ten minutes to apply. But once you've experience an honest and polite game session of Mario 256, you'll never want to go back to Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt. Of course, you'll be too afraid of the shocks to go back to those games, honest shocks as Nintendo calls them. #5 Game Show Buzzer When it comes to multiplayer games, game shows have been left behind. While there have been versions of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune on just about every game system you could possibly own, they aren't all that popular, and they get kind of a bad reputation. But I know what will change this; I know the one thing that will make game show video games chic again ... a real life Game Show Buzzer! You see them on TV and you can't help but want to smack one in real life. With this accessory you'll be able to punish that buzzer in any way you see fit - from gentle taps all the way up to the angry-man punch. This is just the thing to help bring people back to game show games, even if it is just a port of Press Your Luck! #4 A Globe Now you might think that a globe of the Earth would be a niche product, something that only a few games could take advantage of. Well, my friend, you would be correct ... but that doesn't matter, because all the best controls are made specifically for one or two games. No matter what games this globe accessory connects with there's one thing that's for certain ... you're going to need to buy a new globe every couple of months. Thanks to wars, population shifts, and political turmoil, the countries of this world have a funny way of changing their names. Just when you buy a globe that works with your new, up- to-date game; some country out there decides to have a coup d'etat and you have to throw your globe in the garbage. Looks like Carmen Sandiego isn't going to be found in THAT country, time to toss it in the trash. Speaking of which ... #3 Garbage Can What does the Garbage Can do? Simple, after plugging in your new Sony Garbage Can you will be able to throw your really, really bad games away. That's right; it's time to get rid of NARC, Stuntman, Dragon Ball Z: Sagas, those recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games, DRIV3R, GoldenEye Rogue Agent, and yes, even Run Like Hell (especially Run Like Hell). It all must go, and trust me, throwing them in this garbage can is MUCH more entertaining that actually playing them. Heck, just looking at the Garbage Can unplugged doing nothing is more fun than a lot of those titles. The best part about Sony's Garbage Can is that it takes all kinds of games for other systems, like Mortal Kombat Advance, Advent Rising, and BMX XXX. It's time to just toss those games in the garbage can, Sony's Garbage Can! #2 Bullhorn Think you're annoying when you're singing those god awful pop ballads in Karaoke Revolution? Well blow you're competition away with sound ... literally. It's the Bullhorn, great for the times when you want everybody to hear your terrible rendition of a Girls Just Want to Have Fun or Oops, I Did it Again. The Bullhorn is great if you want your neighbors to know you're ready to play some games online, but don't feel like picking up the phone and calling them. That's right; it's the Bullhorn, the best loudest video game accessory you can buy. One can only hope they make a Shouting of the Dead game to go along with the accessory. #1 Beer Tap I'm going to go out on a limb here, admit something I have never said to anybody before. Something that could get me shunned by me friends and harassed by complete strangers. After all these years of silence, I think it's about time we see the return of the classic video game Tapper! And what better than having your very own, working, beer tap game accessory? Now I know, the only people that would be interested in this control are myself, Doug, and Bob McKenzie, but I don't care, I'm here to tell it like it is, and as controversial as it might be, I think a beer tap control is the way to go. Resident Evil 4 got that chainsaw control, is there a reason we can't get wasted while using our very own beer tap and playing Tapper? C'mon Microsoft, don't make me come down there in a drunken stupor demanding a Tapper update ... just buy it up and get this control going. I know you have money to burn, and what better way to show us drunken gamers that you're ready to party? Give us a Beer Tap control and I guarantee that Sony's PlayStation 3 won't stand a chance. All these controls got me thinking, what about the real accessories they are still making us deal with? What about all that junk we could do without, but they release it anyway? Well, well did want to forget that crap so we decided to offer you a list of the Five Modern Accessories They are Still Bothering us With! See how many of these you've invested in. Five Modern Accessories They are Still Bothering us With! 3D Glasses I can't believe it's 2005 and we're still dealing with games that use 3D glasses. I know it's cool to go back and play the 2D games we grew up with, but 3D glasses were never cool. And you know what? They never will be cool. I'm not saying it's enough to keep me away from the next Sly Cooper game, but let's not make this thing a trend. You hear me Sony? Light Guns Chances are you've already read my article Leaving the Light Gun Where it Belongs so this will be just a refresher course. There is nothing wrong with light gun games, but if only one or two games are going to use it, it's hard to justify the $40 purchase. Light Guns need to stay in the arcade where they belong, that way there's actually a reason to visit your local arcade. Speakers for Portables Who came up with this crummy idea? Why would you want some teenage brat blaring his Game Boy Advance music ten times louder than it was meant to go? The people that make the music for these portable games aren't bad people, they do the best with what they have available. But kid, there's no reason everybody needs to listen to you play the Sponge Bob Squarepants game! Power Glove The Power Glove was, well, interesting to say the least. It didn't make games any easier to control, in fact, in many ways it made the games much harder to handle. But that was then and believe it or not, there are still people out there making devices that resemble the Power Glove. These new Power Gloves are quite a bit better (thanks in large part to the aid of 3D technology), but we're still a long, long way from the Power Glove being considered cool. Horizontal Stand Of all the scams I have seen perpetrated on video gamers, the Horizontal Stand accessory has to be the worst! The PlayStation 2, like every other system I can think of, is a long, flat system that has no problem sitting horizontally. The gimmick was that you could stand the unit on its side, so that it was tall and wouldn't take up much room ... but this is a stand so you can sit it horizontally. I have no joke here, it's just the most useless item ever to grace a game console!


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