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Things that Can ONLY Be Explained By Drugs (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on April 20, 2003   |   Episode 49 (Show Archive)  

   
WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Devil May Cry 2 I don't want to pick on Capcom here, after all there are plenty of other terrible sequels that have populated the market, but an all night bender could explain Devil May Cry 2. I'm serious, the game is pretty boring on its own, and so a little mind-altering stimulant may actually do the game some good. It's super easy to play, and absolutely no puzzles to be solved. And best of all, the game lasts about as long as you'll be high, so you won't have to play it sober! And chances are, you won't even remember playing it at all, and it's PERFECT to sell when you're out of money and need quick cash for your habit. #9 Sony's PlayStation 2 Launch Anybody who lived through the launch of the PlayStation 2 had to wonder, what was Sony thinking. They decided to release the system at a time when there weren't even enough systems for the people who reserved it, and only had a few games that were worth playing. But, let's not forget about the commercials! Sony's PlayStation 2 ads didn't actually feature the PlayStation 2, instead they were talking up the PS9, that's right, the PlayStation 9! While this is certainly a cool advert, the truth is, most people pay attention to commercials in the same way they listen to their girlfriends nag. Of course, they were nothing compared to the wacky David Lynch PS2 commercials! Let's face it, when Sony doesn't have any competition, they can be as wacky as they wanna be. #8 The Mega Man Series For this to work, I actually have to share my theory. You see, I don't think Capcom made six Mega Man games over a bunch of years, instead I think they bought a bunch of speed and locked themselves in a room and made them all at once! That's right, all at once!! Want proof? How about the fact that the ONLY thing different in each level is the bosses (and their powers). And if you look at the chronological list of Mega Man enemies, you'll notice that by the end of the weekend they had pretty lame ideas. Tomahawk Man, Yamato Man, and Star Man. But most telling of all, I think, are Crystal Man, Dust Man, and Stone Man, you don't get any more blatant than that! (At least they got hungry and found influence enough to make the Gyro Man, mmmmmm Gyros.) #7 Nintendo Power Pad While most of you drug users are smoking a bowl and playing games, in the 1980s it was a different era. The 80s is known for fast cars, fast money, fast women, and tons and tons and tons of cocaine! And believe me, when you're on tons of cocaine, it's hard to sit still, so the Power Pad seemed like a pretty good idea. After all, you can race against other people by actually running in place. And if you picked up the game Street Cop, you could chase criminals down, which reeks of irony. Of course, speed freaks can only run in place for so long, and after they crashed for a few dozen hours, they understood that there were better things to do when you are tweaking. #6 Sega CDX Released around the same time as the Sega 32x, the Sega CDX was a portable Sega Genesis + Sega CD combo. But it's not really portable, since you still need to hook it up to the television. It's just smaller, yeah, that's right, it's smaller. It also cost twice as much as buying the bigger versions, making it completely useless. And if that wasn't enough, you couldn't even use it to play the 32x games that were just about to flop in the marketplace. Perhaps drugs can explain all of Sega's decisions between 1992 and 1996, because somebody needs to do some explaining. The Sega 32x, CDX, Nomad, Saturn Launch, Activator, and the never to be released VR headset all need to be accounted for. #5 Midway's Sports Line-Up Are you one of those people who like the idea of sports, but don't have the time or energy to actually watch or play a sports game? Or maybe you don't think it's violent enough. Well, NFL Blitz is a little like Football, after you've taken a few Quaaludes. The thing is full of hard hits, fast action, and players running around on fire (which only helps their improvement). Given your short attention span, NFL Blitz is perfect for the guy who wants to inflict pain, but can't find anybody worth hurting. And if football isn't your game, there's NBA Jam, MLB Slug-fest, Red-card 2003, and even NHL Hitz! If you love the sport, and like how drawn out a game can be, you will want to stick away from these games. But if you're taking a bunch of drugs that will destroy your attention span, then you may want to check out Midway's line up of sports games. #4 Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game So you just bought that bag of crack, you have the whole week to yourself, and nothing to do. What are you going to play: a 50 hour experience like Final Fantasy X, something you can EASILY beat in a weekend, or EverQuest, a game that you can play for thousands of hours? If you have nothing to do, and want to just sit there and play and do drugs and play some more, then there is no better genre than the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. In soon you will be able to play in the Star Wars universe, so even Jedi tweakers can partake in the excitement of staying up 120 hours straight playing some stupid computer game. (By the way, if you don't have a computer, and you aren't into paying fees, you ought to check out Animal Crossing for the GameCube). #3 Mortal Kombat Advance Have you ever been so drunk (or ripped out of your skull), you just didn't care what happened? Well, how about playing a game where it doesn't matter how well you play, because you don't stand a chance. In Mortal Kombat Advance you can't win even if you're completely sober. The game is so poorly designed that you'll shoot fireballs straight through your opponent, be knocked down for no reason whatsoever, and never be able to win a single round. Trust me on this one, you're going to want to play this game stoned, because otherwise you'll be so angry you may actually throw your GameBoy Advance and have to buy a new one. #2 Music Games Think Amplitude is cool? You need to try it on some sort of synthetic journey. There's no denying the bright colors and the thumping music that is intoxicating, especially if you're already intoxicated! And you don't think they were doing drugs when they came up with the idea of Parappa the Rapper? Some music games aren't even subtle about it. Take Rez for example, a game that actually gives you a mode where you can't die and all you do is create amazing sounds and visuals. Sounds to me like somebody hasn't come off the 'shroom trip yet. #1 Nintendo Super Scope 6 WeThe idea of a gun for your console isn't a bad idea, since there was a time when light gun games sold extremely well. But when I say gun, I mean a gun that can fit in your hand, like the N.E.S. Zapper, the Sega Master System Light Phazer, or the Konami Justifier. But there's no denying that Nintendo must have been smoking something when they decided no get rid of the hand fun idea, and opted for a bazooka! Small guns work well when you are trying to aim and shoot objects fast, a bazooka just can't do anything like that. It's one of those weapons where you aim, shoot, wait, aim, shoot, wait, repeat, and that's just not what gamers are looking for. When Nintendo sobered up, they realized this was a terrible idea, and stopped making games for the oversized gun. Question: That's quite a list you have there, but what about those not so obvious drug references. Do you have any thought on those games? The video game industry is chock full of subtle drug references, not all of them are worth mentioning, though. They date all the way back to the Power Pellet in Pac Man, obviously Pac Man didn't need to take these, but if he didn't he had a hard time dealing with the ghosts around him. You'll notice that he also got Miss Pac Man addicted, and eventually their offspring, which is the tragedy of it all. In Operation Wolf you had to pick up Power Drinks, which leads me to believe the hero in that game was too wussy to use a needle or his nose. Leon, Rebecca, and Jill "the master of unlocking" all used green herbs to mellow out in the Resident Evil series. Perhaps it's the Magic Mushroom in Super Mario Brothers series that is the best metaphor. If you go through the whole Mario series, you'll see more than a few drug references, I'm only here to get you started.
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