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Ten Game Movies We Will Never, Ever See (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on March 21, 2003   |   Episode 48 (Show Archive)  

   
WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Trevor McFur & the Crescent Valley There are a lot of reasons Trevor McFur will never get made, but the best reason I can think of is the fact that nobody likes to dress up like animals. Especially when you are humanoid animals. Did anybody see the live action version of Animal Farm?? So far movies based on space ship shooters haven't faired too well (see Wing Commander for proof), and I'm sure there's an extremely long list of contenders before they hit this Jaguar title. #9 Jumping Flash! There are just so many reason we won't see this game made into a movie, but it's not the casting that is a problem. Did you ever see that old Jimmy Stewart Harvey? We shouldn't have a problem casting a giant bunny rabbit for the part of a giant robot rabbit. There's a lot of silliness to be had in Jumping Flash!, but somehow I doubt it could ever translate to the silver screen. I really like the Hawaiian enemies, though, and wouldn't mind seeing this used somewhere else, like in the next James Bond film or something. #8 Mario Party Being as we've already had a miserable Super Mario Brothers movie, I find it out of the question that they would even consider a adaptation of Mario Party. So all you fans waiting to see Yoshi, Wario, and Wa-Luigi hit the big screen, you are just going to have to wait a little longer. In fact, you'd more likely see any one of those properties turned into a movie than a Mario Party film. But imagine the excitement of a movie based on a board game. Hmm, maybe I'll just stick with Clue. ) #7 Vib Ribbon Musicals seem to be coming back in style, what with Chicago scoring with the critics and Moulin Rouge one of the top selling DVDs of all time. But it seems to me like Vib Ribbon doesn't stand a chance in the world of becoming a movie. In fact, I suspect that Um Jammer Lammy and Parappa the Rapper have a better chance than this forgotten treasure. I wouldn't mind seeing it made in the same style as the animation, with all the music and more. Of course, I want an Alien vs. Predator movie, and I'm still waiting on that one, too. #6 J.J. & Jeff There's been Chuck and Buck, Harold and Maude, Thelma and Louise, and even Benny and Joon, but I can guarantee that you will never see a J.J. and Jeff movie. These two platform characters were semi-popular thanks to a TurboGrafx-16 game. Of course, little was heard from them again, and the Turbo didn't exactly set the world on fire. So, while they may be milking classics like Shinobi and Spy Hunter for movies, don't expect J.J. and Jeff any time soon. #5 Poy Poy Generally I would say that arena movies aren't very popular, but the success of Gladiator has proven me wrong once again. But no matter how popular those kind of movies become, Poy Poy will never become a movie. There's just something about people picking stuff and throwing it at each other. Oh sure, we all like to see it on TV, and sometimes it's even fun to watch on the street, but there's no room for that on the silver screen. #4 Street Fighter II Before you say it, the movie we got was Street Fighter. There was a Mortal Kombat II, and there is an upcoming Tomb Raider II, but no Street Fighter II. Oh sure, the Street Fighter movie had most of the characters from Street Fighter II, but by my count they missed a lot of the cast from the original. I mean, where's Birdie? Where's Gen? Where's Eagle and Adon?? And if they were to make a Street Fighter II movie, when released on DVD they could call it Street Fighter II: Champion Edition (or something totally lame like that). #3 Bomberman They could be played by the Teletubbies! In all seriousness, Bomberman is one of the first and best party games, and there's really no reason for them not to script it into a Hollywood movie. Well, no reason except that Bomberman doesn't really have a story, and the characters aren't easily translatable to humans. And nobody would pay to watch such a thing. Besides though, the idea is golden! #2 Devil Dice Want to hurt yourself? I mean, really hurt yourself. Well, try coming up with a plausible, creative way of making Devil Dice into a movie. We have a funny looking cherub-like guy walking on top of a bunch of dice. How would you do it? How would you cast it? Where would you even start?? And the end of the day, it's just easier to make the movie Dare Devil Dice, than anything else. And that's why Devil Dice deserves to be second on the list. #1 Pong Alright, so it's a cop out. I mean, there's no way you can make a movie based on Pong, it would be like trying to make a dance out of brail in books. Of course, we've seen Pong referenced before, in TV shows and even an Air music video!! But still, no movie will be made from the game that started the interactive revolution. I suppose nothing is out of the question, after all, Tron did a good job of showing us what pixels look like up close, but I suspect this is highly unlikely. I wouldn't mind seeing the life and times of Nolen Bushnell made into a movie, but that's for a completely different list. Question: You name a whole lot of movies that will never happen, and in some respects you have a few good points. But the real question is, what movies do you wish would be adapted? That's a tough one, since I don't wish that punishment upon any video game. But if you really must know, then I suppose I can find you a few games worth reworking for the big screen. Like, how about the classic Super NES game Act Raiser? I mean, not only did it have a great story, but it was an exciting game filled with a lot of unique visuals. There's also Out of this World, which does all that, and more. It was a cinematic game from the get-go, but frankly, it would be worth it to see it acted out in front of me. And if we're going to including Out of this World, we might as well talk about Flashback (though I don't know if a Prince of Persia movie is necessary, since the game was only an hour long.) Or how about the futuristic Russia in Capcom's classic Strider? Or Sega's Golden Axe?? Actually, if we're going to talk Sega games, it should be GunGrave that gets the attention. It's practically a movie already.
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