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Top Ten things Lamer than Kangaroo Jack (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on January 19, 2003   |   Episode 46 (Show Archive)  

   
WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Bratz If you haven't seen or heard of these dolls, then you obviously don't have a young sister. Bratz is the brand new way that young kids can annoy their parents, thus forever continuing a tradition old as time itself. However, I don't think a GameBoy Advance game featuring these adorable, yet downright trying dolls is exactly needed. You can probably imagine how annoying the sound is, too. Oh my goodness, if this isn't worse than Kangaroo Jack, I don't know what is. #9 Hunting Games Why are there still hunting games? That is a question I have been mulling in my head recently. I can almost understand the need for fishing, but hunting games seem pretty pointless. And they aren't just on the PCs anymore, oh no, they have hit the console market with the release of a PlayStation 2 title. In the day and age when first person shooters are all the rage, it seems odd that Hunting Games are still even remotely popular. #8 Pop Divas & Boy Bands The good news, the sales of boy bands and pop diva CD's are way down, not quite dominating the charts like they once were. Of course, when it comes to video games, we are still going to have to deal with these flash-in-the-pan groups. No matter if it's *Nsync or the ever aging Britney Spears, the game industry has no use for them, yet they continue to use them. Hopefully in a few years there will be no use for GameBoy products with five hot 20-something men that do nothing but harmonize. I know you guys hate *Nsync, but c'mon, at least it's not a rapping kangaroo. That just gives me chills thinking about it. #7 Solid Snake in Evolution Skateboarding Konami showed this aspect of Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance at last years E3, and while it was featured in every single game magazine known to man; it was also regarded as one of the silliest things most attendees had seen. Now that Evolution Skateboarding is out, and we can judge the engine for ourselves, we can really see how gimmicky this was. Solid Snake on a skateboard is a little like Super Mario Brothers in Grand Theft Auto, and runs the risk of turning many hard core fans off. It certainly didn't win any points from me. #6 Scooby Doo There is only one thing worse than the 2002 Scooby Doo movie, and that's Scrappy Doo. While doing everything in our power to try to forget that the cast is contracted for at LEAST two more sequels, we have a swarm of terrible video games based on the movie. To think, it's not bad enough to have to sit through two hours of Buffy the Vampire Slayer tracking down ghosts with a big (obviously) fake dog, but now there are terrible games so you can never forget the pain you once felt. On another note, I really have nothing against games based on the classic 1960s cartoon. #5 I-Spy Challenger No, not the classic Bill Cosby T.V. series, or even the crummy Owen Wilson/Eddie Murphy film, oh no, this is the kids game!! That's right, it's a "Challenge" that gets you to try to figure out what someone else is thinking of. This may have been fun when you were on a long road trip, or like six years old, but if you can't imagine how it could fun on a game system, then you aren't alone. Come on guys, even a GameBoy Advance version of the Cosby Mystery's would have been more enjoyable than this dud. #4 Dragon Ball Z Games Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of the wrath of angry Dragon Ball Z fans I've surely pissed off. I could bitch about the Japanese cartoon for hours, and I may in a few moments, but let's take a good hard look at the video games that have been released. There have been a number of Japanese games that never made it to the U.S., none of which were any good, and even today we have a crummy PlayStation 2 Dragon Ball game, and an even worse GameBoy Advance adventure game. I suppose this is what you get when you base a video game off one of the absolute worst animes of all time. But hey, that's just my opinion, and I'm sticking to it. #3 Barbie: Treasures in Time What, it's not bad enough that Barbie is giving young women an unobtainable ideal to strive for? Or that they perpetuate an unrealistic "fairy tale romance" (that can never be because Ken has, as we say, an angry inch)? Why does Barbie need to jump into the video game market??? And I'm not just talking GameBoy Advance, but on consoles like the GameCube. This just seems wrong. I understand the appeal of Barbie, I really do, but I simply will never understand why people want her to take the roll of an adventurer, tomb raider, time traveler, and mystery solver. If you really want to make an adventure game that all 8-year-old girls can get into, I suggest you mine the Andy Griffith Show, because it promotes healthy values, and c'mon folks, Andy is a super-hotty! #2 Mortal Kombat Advance Not many games can be considered the worst of their genre, but then, not every game is Mortal Kombat Advance. I don't care if you are the biggest Mortal Kombat fan out there, there is nothing even kind of enjoyable about this brawler. Putting the word "Advance" at the end may indicate that the game is somehow improved, but I can't see how that could be, since every single aspect of the game is worse than any fighter before it. I'm not kidding, this is absolutely one of the worst video games of all time, and easily the worst fighting game ever. #1 Shrek Games Hey, I liked Shrek as much as the next guy, but c'mon now, do we really need all these games based on it?? If even one of them was half way enjoyable I wouldn't have a problem with it, but did we really need another Kart racing game? Like South Park before it, and the Simpson's before that, Shrek is doomed to be the hot license that is void of any gaming merit what so ever. Of course, Mike Meyers has a long history of crappy games, including a Wayne's World game, and a whole slew of crappy Austin Powers' titles (including pinball games). But the Shrek titles are worse than all that, they are so bad, they are even worse than Kangaroo Jack. Now THAT'S a feat! Question: So, wise guy, you make fun of the hugely popular Kangaroo Jack. What else is out there that you suggest, I mean, it's January and there's nothing else to spend my $8 on. Are you kidding me?? There are more than a half dozen great movies in the theaters RIGHT NOW you should be going to, and none of them have a talking/rapping kangaroo in them. I'm not even sure where to begin, no wait, yes I do, how about Adaptation? It's directed by Spike "Being John Malkovich" Jonze, and written by Charlie Kaufman (as well as made up twin brother Donald Kaufman). It's easily one of the best movies of the year. There's also Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, also written by Charlie Kaufman. Or there's About Schmidt, one of the best black comedies of 2002. And if you aren't into the well written small films, how about a huge epic like, say, the Gangs of New York? Or Spike Lee's 25th Hour?? Or even the Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers??? I mean, c'mon, there has to be something better than Kangaroo Jack out there. I don't care if it's a two hour duet between John Tesh and Yanni presented in DTS ES 6.1, ANYTHING is better than Kangaroo Jack.
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