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Five Things Mortal Kombat Advance Taught Me (Broken)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on June 25, 2002   |   Episode 37 (Show Archive)  

WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#5 Wrestling games aren't all that bad after all Now it's not because I hate wrestling. And it's not because I personally don't care what the Rock is cooking, or where he's cooking. But I personally can't stand wrestling games. Pretty much all of them feature constant button mashing, nonsensical special moves, and terrible, terrible balance! And yet they never seem to improve, no matter what system they are released on. But now that Mortal Kombat Advance is here I can see that there is something more unentertaining and dreadful than those half-assed (not candy assed) wrestling game! Trust me, Mortal Kombat Advance is worse than wrestling, and that's a fact. #4 Not all Fatalities are worth looking at In recent years the general consensus has been: no matter what, if it was bloody it would be good. Well, frankly, Mortal Kombat Advance proves that theory all wrong. Most of the finishing moves are boring, and none arise above dull. And not only are all these fatalities trite, but they are also unrecognizable. They are ugly globs of something that couldn't even pass as human body parts in a low budget horror movie. They are simply embarrassing, and will prove to you that there is more to a game than a fancy finishing move. #3 Fighting games have come a long way since 1985 Considering that Mortal Kombat Advance plays on par with the average fighting game of the mid 1980's, you can really see how far it's come as a genre. If you're friend says that nothing has changed, make sure you show them this game, they'll see the light of day, especially when put up against Virtua Fighter 4 of Capcom vs. SNK 2. In the last twenty years fighting games have developed actual unique characters, unique fighting styles, and depth far beyond what Mortal Kombat Advance shows. It's good to see how far we've come, and don't you forget it . even if you don't like fighting games. #2 Even the sexiest fighter can look like the most deformed actor in Freaks! The models used to portray the female fighters may have been Pamela Anderson and Jessica Alba . but you'd never know, because they look more like the elephant man!! The girls in this game don't actually look all that much different from the boys, but then, the boys don't actually look all that much different from the robots found in this game. To put it all in perspective, Mortal Kombat Advance makes my toaster look sexy. #1 There is something worse than Mortal Kombat 4 and War Gods For years now I've said "hey, it couldn't be worse than Mortal Kombat 4", because, well, no matter what fighting game came out, it wasn't worse than Mortal Kombat 4. But now I've seen something worse than Mortal Kombat 4! And frankly, it's worse than War Gods, too!! How could this be? Is there a way for the controls to become any worse?? A way for the graphics to get any more sluggish?? A way for the characters to become anymore unoriginal and boring?? YES! And it's name is Mortal Kombat Advance. It's only uphill from here. Question: So ... which is worse: Mortal Kombat Advance or Myst? In the annals of time few games have ever been as bad as Mortal Kombat Advance. It has terrible control, it has horrible graphics, and is one of the most dreadful experiences known to man. But as bad as Mortal Kombat Advance is, and it is truly worse than I make it out to be, Myst is that much worse. For one thing there is NO game play in Myst, and while you don't get frustrating battles, you get unfair, and even more frustrating puzzles. And Myst single handedly led companies down a path that would eventually sink them. It also led to a very dark part of our history: Full Motion Video. So yes, Myst is worse than Mortal Kombat Advance, but not by much!!


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