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By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on May 26, 2001   |   Episode 11 (Show Archive)  

WALL OF TEXT EXPLAINED: What you're looking at is an episode of Countdown w/ Defunct Games published before 2006. As you can tell, something has gone horribly awry. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it has to do with the old layout being incompatible with the new. Eventually, we would like to retrofit these old episodes of Countdown, but that will require a significant amount of time. As Defunct Games has only a limited staff, we aren't sure when we'll have the chance to fix this article. If you absolutely need to know what this article said, get a hold of us on Twitter or leave a message in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you will enjoy the episodes created post-2006.

#10 Fighting Force There are games that deserve sequels, and then there are games that just get sequels. If it's not Fighting Force 2, it's Fighting Force 64. Plus more on the way, will this pain ever end? It's not that this is a horrible game, but when games like Gunstar Heroes and Three Dirty Dwarves don't get sequels, why should this? This game has horrible control, bad sound, and terrible graphics, yet has been ported to everything except the Game Boy Color. #9 Mega Man I love Mega Man, but even I can only have so much of the side scrolling adventures. Even the X series only changed the bosses, not enough to recharge interest in the theme. In 3D the game doesn't work either, and really I don't think there is anything that can be done to make people interested again. It's been too long, too many similar adventures, and no real improvements between each, I just can't justify the release of any more games. So stop them. #8 Army Men I didn't like army men as a child, I don't as an adult, and I don't as a game player. 3DO has now made something like fifty Army Men titles and none of them are very good. Each is a different generic theme, each done exactly the way it would have been handled five years earlier. If you are going to keep churning these games out, make sure they are good, at least. Lame lame lame. #7 The Simpsons do not wish ill on the Simpsons TV show. But they can stop making these horrible Simpsons' game anytime now. The Simpsons' games have never been good, from Bart Vs. the Space Invaders to the recent Wrestling game, and I have a funny feeling no matter what you do, they are always going to be horrid on a game system. The Simpsons work because of their varied sense of humor, scathing sense of satire, and even some irony. However, you just cannot do that in a video game, and really, they should stop trying before even I hate the Simpsons. #6 Sub Zero Yeah, I'll probably get tons of emails on this, but the only good Mortal Kombat is the second one. It's not the best controlling game, but everything they were trying to do, was done perfectly in the second game. Everything since has been nothing short of horrible. Be it 3D, 2D, side scrolling game, you name it. With Mortal Kombat 5 on its way, Sub Zero is set to return yet again and do more of the same, but hasn't it just been too long? Too many sequels? Isn't anybody else sick of these Fatalities? Mortal Kombat hasn't been interesting since 1994. #5 South Park Much like the Simpsons, I am all for South Park. The movie, in fact, is one of the best pieces of satire I have ever seen. But when they try to make it into video game glory it fails miserably. No matter if it's a first person shooter (personally, I'm all for turkey sounds full blast for hours on end), a Mario Kart Klone, or a Quiz Game (that doesn't reveal the answer when you get the answer wrong), South Park is awful on a game system. If they knew what was good for them, they would STOP making South Park games. #4 Regis Philbin I didn't like him before Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and I like him even less now. But now Regis has intruded my video game world. I'm afraid this has got to stop, there has to be an end in site. I was hoping it would come in the face of the Weakest Link, but it looks like there will be another year of this torture, at least. Perhaps I should be happy they aren't making a Live! with Regis and Kelly video game. #3 Turok Take it from Doom, you really can have too many similar first person shooters on one system. It's even worse when you make up most of them. With GoldenEye around, Turok should have been stopped years ago, but Acclaim (who, again, only makes wise business decisions) has kept Turok alive. The game hasn't improved enough to warrant a sequel, let alone several. If there is justice on the GameCube, it will be in the lack of Turok games, but ... #2 Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) After writing a whole CAN THIS FRANCHISE BE SAVED for the Tomb Raider series, I still could get Lara out of my mind. Could it be the previews of the next game coming out? Or the ads for the movie? Or could it be the commercials for the products that go along with Tomb Raider (including soft drinks and cell phones). What once was a love affair has gotten as ugly as Charles Manson's chances for Presidency!! If I see Lara again, I swear I am throwing my Sega Master System through the TV. #1 Jar Jar Binks (any Star Wars Episode I Game) I won't kid you, I hated Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace. Don't worry, I have already been spoken to by many who disagree with me, but really, after nearly twenty years of waiting the Phantom Menace feels more like an episode of Voyager than it does Star Wars. Jar Jar is just one of the many problems I have with the movie, but with the video games, Jar Jar is a MAJOR problem. I simply cannot believe that Lucas Arts does not get the hint that people do not like Jar Jar, and most are unhappy of his return in Episode 2. Why on Earth (or any other planet for that matter) would they MAKE US listen to his ramblings in video games? No wonder teenage suicide is so high! UNKNOWN SOLDIER Memorial Day isn't just about memory. Here at Defunct Games we have focused exclusively on the memories of lost heroes, but not all of them were from the war (or a war, for that matter). Sure, many of them went off into battle, often times to save the forest animals, sometimes to save the princess, and sometimes for even more selfish reasons. But most did not go off into a declared war. Why is that? Simple. The warriors in the War genre were often times better left without names. These nameless warriors (who almost always looked exactly the same as player two) would go in, blow the place to kingdom come, and then leave, it's not like they left their business cards, or yelled out their name on the way in. Who do you think they are? Superheroes? Games like MERCS and Nam 75 relied on the action, as opposed to the story line. And so many of our greatest game heroes have suffered similar fates. So, what is needed, from each game player out there, is a donation to the cause: a graveyard for the unknown soldiers in war games in far off countries. Thank you for your time.


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