Lately there has been a lot of talk about the "new" GamePro. With John Davison (former editor at 1up) taking the top job at GamePro, the industry is abuzz about what major changes will be made. History shows us that every time a new boss takes over GamePro, the magazine radically changed directions. The question is: What will Davison do? Will he add more in depth coverage about the games industry? Will he clean up the magazine's laughably bad review standards? Will he finally turn this publication into something an adult can feel proud of buying?
Who knows what the future holds, but if I had my way I would tell John to bring back the cheesy puns that made GamePro so popular in the first place. Younger
No, not THAT kid of big pun!
GamePro fans wouldn't know this, but there was a time (early in the magazine's life) where they would go out of their way to wrap every review up with some sort of pun on the game's title or character. These puns were often groan-inducing, often so bad that it's hard to believe anybody thought it was a good idea in the first place.
Yet, now that I'm older and look back at these puns, I appreciate what GamePro was trying to do. It's as if the editors at GamePro realized how poor their reviews were and that they needed something (anything!) to get your mind off the mediocre writing. The plan worked. In the moments where I would be lamenting about the lack of details and poor sentence structure in the review, I would be too busy cringing at these horrible, terrible, no-good puns. Don't believe me? Over the next few pages I have compiled a list of 50 of the best (and worst) final paragraphs in GamePro history. See if you can make it through these catastrophes without reaching for the Advil.
Atomic Runner (Genesis)
Atomic Runner (Genesis):
"Warm up your trigger fingers for this one! You'll burn more than a few molecules getting to and past the final battle. This cart is a cross between Strider and Sonic the Hedgehog. If that mutant pairing makes your Geigers count, you'll love Atomic Runner."
Batman Returns (Lynx):
"Batman Returns stars your favorite characters true to form. (No, Michelle Pfieffer isn't
Bio-Hazard Battle (Genesis)
packed in the box). Despite its somewhat monotonous gameplay, it's still worth Batting around."
Bio-Hazard Battle (Genesis):
It's major thumb blister time! Bio-Hazard Battle is one of the best shoot-em-ups to come flying into the Genesis in awhile. The graphics are stunning, and the action's
Bubsy the Bobcat (Super NES)
cunning. Even the sound is big league stuff. Missing out on Bio-Hazard will be a major disaster."
Black Hole Assault (Sega CD):
"If you think buying a Sega CD makes you some sort of sophisticated gamer, you need to get down and dirty with Black Hole Assaut. This hard-hitting fighting game serves up a major slice of compact disc humble pie. Serious Sega robo-warriors will want to assault this CD."
Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind (Super NES):
"Bubsy is a must for any gamer's library. Hot on the trail of Sonic the Hedgehog (in fact, a Genesis version is due soon), this cat really moves! He may not be as fast as Sonic, but he definitely has a lot more purrrr-sonality."
Chuck Rock (Genesis)
Chuck Rock (Genesis):
"Take a walk on the wild side with Chuck Rock. This game's worth the bucks for the music and graphics alone. You won't be disappointed. Move over Rolling Stones, the real roots of rock and roll are here."
Chuck Rock (Game Gear):
"Chuck Rock's unique concept, whimsical look and innovative gameplay make it extremely enjoyable. Get stoned with Chuck Rock."
Contra Force (NES):
"Konami had an awesome video game formula that worked in Contra and
Contra Force (NES)
Super C. For whatever reason, Contra Force strays from the path and pays the price. May the Force be without you."
Crue Ball (Genesis):
"Your challenge is a tough one, especially in the higher levels, where the Wall is guarded heavily. As they say, practice makes perfect. If you want to make the band, you better start with those flippers, son."
Cyborg Justice (Genesis):
"Cyborg Justice makes you pay for your fun, but it's worth the effort. Learning the moves is frustrating. Once you get 'em down, though, the
The Fantastic Adventure of Dizzy (NES)
far-out fighting is all that's left. The two-player Duel mode is this game's strength. Is there no justice for this cart? Only for Cyborgs."
Dr. Franken (Game Boy):
"It's a good thing that this game is frustratingly fun, because you'll need multiple supplies of AAA batteries to rebuild Bitsy. Dr. Franken is a must have for your classic horror collection. So, go to your local graveyard and dig up a monsterously [sic] good time."
The Fantastic Adventure of Dizzy (NES):
"Humpty Dumpty would be proud. Dizzy's a surprisingly egg-citing game. The graphics, sound and gameplay are above average, and the bonus areas are challenging. The Yolkfolk of Zakeria are ready to egg you on, get cracking!"