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Interview: Hell's Kitchen (Xbox 360)
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on July 12, 2006   |   Episode 39 (Show Archive)  

Although it might not always seem like it, Defunct Games is a serious video game website prepared to bring you the latest news and reviews about your favorite games. Every so often we are even privileged enough to get a world exclusive preview, which allows us to be the first publication to bring you details on future products. Today Defunct Games is very proud to be the first to introduce you to an Xbox 360 game that will surely get your water boiling. I'm talking about none other Hell's Kitchen featuring Gordon Ramsay.

Being released for the Xbox 360 early next year, this is Rockstar Games' take on the popular cooking

It's a shame "You're Fired" has already been taken!
show Hell's Kitchen. The show plays out like your traditional reality TV game show, each week the contestants perform tasks and one of them is voted off the show until it's down to just one chef. Is that master chef you? Do you have what it takes to battle Gordon Ramsay?

Perhaps the better question should be, do I have what it takes to battle Gordon Ramsay? In preparation for this world exclusive I had a chance to fly down to his L.A. studios and talk to the man at the top of the food chain, the hot tempered chef that tells it like it is. Our conversation was only a few minutes long, but that was plenty of time for me to understand what he thought of me and Defunct Games. Below you will find my conversation with Chef Ramsay, a man who could care less that he has a big game coming out in the next eight months.

Cyril Lachel: On behalf of the entire Defunct Games staff, I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview. First up, to the people who have never seen the show, what can you tell them that would describe what Hell's Kitchen is like?

Gordon Ramsay: You are that fucking stupid? It's about being a bloody chef and working for me. The show is still on the telly you know, you can go and fucking check it out for your fucking self you donkey. Do a little bloody research before you ask me such stupid questions. Idiot.

Cyril: I guess this would be a good time for me to mention that this interview might contain some foul language.

Gordon: I don't need a drama queen; you've got a pair of balls don't you?

Cyril: Of course I do, but I don't really see what that has to do with anything. Let's just move on. So Gordon, what can you tell me about your upcoming Xbox 360 game?

Gordon: Are your brains in your fucking ass? Right now I would rather put poodle shit in my mouth than ...

Cyril: I think that's enough of the insults, Gordon. I didn't come here to be mocked and berated. Remember, I'm doing you a favor by promoting your upcoming game. Defunct Games didn't have to do this interview. We could have just let IGN or GameSpot have all the credit.

Gordon: Are you always going to be that rude and interrupt when I'm trying to talk? I don't have to be here right now, either. I'd rather go out for a fucking burger!

Sure I have a few extra pounds I could stand to lose, but if you say another word about my weight I'm going to shove this interview right up your ass!
Cyril: Look, if you're not going to be nice then I'm just going to end this interview right here and now. It's your choice, Chef.

Gordon: Come here you idiot. Limp dick. Let me ask you something, how long have you been a wimp? It looks like somebody smashed your head between a door.

Cyril: How can you honestly believe that you are going to get respect from people when you insult them? You're a grown man acting like a child, you don't even have clever insults, you're just using profanity and yelling at me. Anybody can do that. You're on TV and have a new game coming out, how about you get some writers to script you some clever insults, the type that stick in people's heads.

Gordon: Bollocks, total crap. What are you going to do now fatso?

Cyril: Well, I'm thinking about ending this interview. I don't see much of a point to continuing berating me with your D-grade writing. Not only are you not funny, but you're just no fun to be around. I tried your food earlier and to be honest it tastes like you put leftovers in the microwave and over cooked it. Perhaps you're the one that should be trying out for this reality TV show gig.

Gordon: No no no, shut the fuck up you, just stand up straight and at least look like you want to be here. Do I slouch and slob and talk like this, some big fat fucking slob??

Why does Gordon Ramsay keep calling me a Democrat??
Cyril: Alright, I give up. You're right, I'm this big fat slob who can't stand up straight and deserves you insulting me. Give me your worst.

Gordon: Hallelujah, music to my fucking ears. Certainly you must have some sort of quality control in your brain.

Cyril: Yes I do ... and that's why I've tried to stop this interview several times. There's no way I'll be able to use this interview with all your profanity. How insecure do you have to be to not only insult people but also use the "F" word every time you open your mouth? You don't even use it right. It should

be used to emphasize what you're saying, not replace words because you have a small vocabulary.

Gordon: Everything you just told me confirms my suspicions about you. You're not here as a team member are you, you're out for yourself aren't you?

Cyril: What is that supposed to mean?

Gordon: Thank you very much you fat, useless yankee danky doo nothing. You're a fucking donkey, you know that?

Cyril: I'm a donkey? What does that even mean??

Gordon: Are you fucking stupid?

Cyril: I must be if I'm willing to let you insult me and call me a donkey. Again, is being a donkey a bad thing?? Actually ... I don't care. This interview is over. This was a complete waste of my time.

Gordon: I'm sick of your shit. I personally don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! Shut it down.

Cyril: Dude, I already shut it down. Now get out of my sight you Emeril wannabe!

And there you have it. That was my contentious interview with Chef Gordon Ramsay. Apparently this is one celebrity who really doesn't care about advertising his product, it seemed like he was trying to take over where Don Rickles left off. Sorry for all of the foul language, with a person like Chef Ramsay there's no way to get around it. If the game is nothing more than 15 hours of some guy berating you then this could be Rockstar's tour de force. We'll have to wait and see how the game shapes up when it's released the first quarter of next year. All I can say is that this is one interview that would make Dawn Gibson proud! You better bone up on your cooking prowess or else Chef Ramsay is going to have your for lunch ... literally!


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