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Snow Job Reviewed by Brian Wortz on . Rating: 57%
Snow Job
Snow Job Snow Job Snow Job Snow Job
  • Review Score:

  • C+
Do you like poorly acted and scripted movies that were filmed at the lowest resolution known to man? Do you like classic point and click adventures but with less of the adventure, but more of all the pointing and clicking? Does the idea of Tracy Scoggins awkwardly licking another man's chest get your blood pumping? Sewer Shark fans rejoice! Your grainy, poorly-compressed, "interactive" FMV paradise is here. It's not audio and video, it's "Three-dio!" and it's called Snow Job. Look-out!

Before Angelina Jolie raided tombs as Lara Croft, Tracy Scoggins (Lois & Clark, Babylon 5) was giving snow jobs as Lara Calabreze. Unfortunately, a snow job is not quite what one might hope for in an adult oriented game. It does not involve any adult-type activity, nor is it a snowmobile simulator. The closest we get to these are said bile-inducing chest lick and a bunch of crossword puzzles. A "snow job" is, however, an urban term for cocaine dealing. Look-out!

Your mission in Snow Job is to protect Tracy, a.k.a. Lara, a seemingly helpless District Attorney, from the likes of a bad drug dealer cryptically named "Snowman". He has evaded the police thus far using tried-and-true street gang tactics such as forcing his men to do crossword puzzles and sending out spam emails. You, with the help of unlikely heroes named Wires and his internet buddy Gooch, will use advanced technology from the 1995 Radio Shack Thanksgiving-day flyer to thwart the Snowman's plans. You will use telephones to call your acquaintances for clues. You will use a personal computer to follow-up with leads via the so-called "internet", and yes, you will get your chest licked.

It appears that Wires, after receiving some spam email, has theorized that there must be a conspiracy buried in the spam (Wires does not get out much). The only way to crack the code in the spam is to do the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper (which Wires is too cheap to buy, and too lazy to go out and get). So, much of your day is spent going to the newsstand, and solving the crossword puzzle. Look-out! You also get to fix Wires' broken gear, talk to strippers, and do various other mini-games along the way. All is accomplished in a simple point and click fashion. If you are illogical enough to click and point your way through the maze of puzzles and FMV, you will progress through the game (purposefully or not). If you call it a day, because you've stood at the same alley all day and still can't figure out how to get into the bar, the computer will tell you that you are basically stupid and you won't be able to solve the mystery. No chest lick for you!

The FMV sequences are standard fare as 3DO FMV goes, maybe even a little better than average. The in-game sequences look like photos taken on a 1 mega-pixel camera and blown up to fit your TV. The environments are completely static to the point I must assume that you are moving at such a high velocity that time itself is standing still. That being the case, one would imagine that traveling between landmarks on your map would be next to instantaneous, however, you are restricted somehow by the laws of motion and are limited to traveling by an imaginary taxi which costs you money. Look-out!

In terms of a soundtrack, I have carefully been reproducing it throughout this review. The music is a couple of drumbeats strung together with the words "Look-out!" repeating every so often. I have tried to emulate this experience as closely as possible because you, dear reader, deserve the best.

On the whole, Snow Job isn't a bad game. There was, at least, an attempt to take FMV to a higher level by adding a point and click adventure, but it's been done elsewhere and better. That's not to say it wouldn't be worth your time. The puzzles, while sometimes inexplicable, can be challenging. If you're a 3DO owner, give it a try! I give Tracy, what else, a 69%. It's chest-lickin' good.
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