Can you survive An Unholy Return: The 31 Games of Halloween?
Shadow: War of Succession Reviewed by Brian Wortz on . Rating: 10%
Shadow: War of Succession
Shadow: War of Succession Shadow: War of Succession Shadow: War of Succession Shadow: War of Succession
  • Review Score:

  • D-
No, please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to insult you. I'm only quoting a taunt from the character Riggs in the "game" Shadow: War of Succession. And yes, the quotes around the word game are appropriate because, while it is intended to be something to play, I am not sure that "game" is the correct moniker for Shadow: War of Succession. After considering what constitutes a video game, I have concluded that it barely qualifies for that status because 1) it does go into a video game machine, and 2) pressing buttons do seem to have some effect, albeit limited, to what appears to be happening on screen. So based on this, as a game reviewer, I suppose I am still forced to attempt a review. So here goes, and let me apologize in advance to my grandmother and my children (don't read ahead) for saying what must be said ...

Shadow: War of Succession SHWASUCks! (to abbreviate the name for the unobservant).

And it doesn't just SHWASUCk a little bit. Imagine a donkey, hee-hawing in agony while pinching off most putrid pile of fracking stinky, pus-filled, vomit-inducing, infected, bloody loaf your sick and twisted mind can picture.(and I know you're sick and twisted, don't even try to hide it). Now imagine you are watching this while repeatedly being kicked in the gonads by said donkey. (I know you all have gonads, remember; my grandmother and children aren't reading this.) Sound like fun? Would you consider that a "game"? Then SHWASUC is for you. (And don't tell me I'm gross, that was your imagination back there.) Read on.

Shadow: War of Succession was an attempt to recreate the joys and the pains of digitized fighters like Mortal Kombat. If you haven't gotten the picture, because of your poor imagination a paragraph ago, and still want to know more, I'll fill in some blanks. The story consists of an FMV (that's Full Motion Video, for my wife's sake, and OK, no, she doesn't have gonads) where a building is blown up by a helicopter (bad helicopter, bad!). Now everyone wants to fight you see, cause the helicopter, and hush ... well ... just everyone want to fight, alright! And there are a sinister group of creatively named fighters to choose from such as Viper. Is he a ninja, a terrorist? OH MY STARS! Riggs, Watch out! He's a Loose Cannon! And a bunch of other stupid characters. When you die, you realize that it wasn't the helicopter's fault after all and a slimy monster guy was behind the whole thing. Oh the irony!!

To play the "game", you try to beat up the other guy until they die. The problem is, the slimy monster guy has rigged the computer opponents and robbed you of any ability do actually accomplish this. You see, you will die every time. Even if you learn "moves", trust me, you will still die. If you try to hurt your opponent, they will vanish in front of you and appear suddenly behind you and kill you. Yes, this is true. It's like Success Joe vs. Nightcrawler if that's a geeky enough analogy for you. (OK, a really worthless video game guy vs. Alan Cummings wearing blue makup in the X-Men movie. Again, for my wife.)

You still want to know about graphics, gameplay, sound, etc? No you don't. SCHWASUCks!!

So I challenge you. I challenge you to put your ultimate skills to the test. Learn the moves, practice against a second player opponent. Become a Shadow Warrior and defeat the mighty slimy monster guy. You up for it? Get back to me when you do, and I will laugh at your worthless existence due to the lack of nothing possibly better to do with your time. Seriously read a book! Get some help! Don't play this game! Yes, it is as f@!#ing bad as I'm telling you!!!

Oh really, you think it's "so bad, it's good"? SHWASUC-tacular?? My review SHWASUCks? I'm the evil donkey hater?!?! Yeah, well "Go to Hell!" (And I do mean you this time.)
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