Defunct Games
Review Crew PSA
You just got back from waiting in line to buy a PlayStation 3 and a Wii, you've beaten Gears of War on every difficulty known to man, and you let the guy who played Kramer piss you off. It sounds like you just barely survived another month of 2006! Who thought November would be so crazy? It's the month that brought us Tracy Morgan's arrest, a botched "magic" trick from David Blaine, and a bunch of crappy Burger King games. But just because you managed to screw up Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's marriage, Borat, it doesn't mean you have to completely forget about all of the good things that happened in November! This is Defunct Games RECAPPED!!, your monthly guide to the best and worst of the last 30 days. This is all the stuff you missed, all the stuff you forgot about and all the stuff you can't wait to see again! So just because you took back both the Senate and the Congress, Democrats, it doesn't mean you have to miss a damn thing. Who cares if you look like a moron asking for Viva Pi?ata at your local game store? Find out now what we thought of this month's best (and worst) articles!
1
Why This Article? Long times fans of Defunct Games will already know that every November we introduce a Holiday show that runs from Thanksgiving until Christmas day. We call it our Days of Christmas. Usually these days have a theme, such as 29 episodes of us reviewing the magazines throughout the years or 28 days of history lessons about the industry. Of all the regular features we publish each year, its these holiday specials that get the most praise. This year is no exception; we are spending the next 33 days looking at a bunch of the best (and worst) game systems released over the past twenty years. It's four solid weeks of game systems and updates, on both the weekdays and the weekends. This year we are calling it the 33 Consoles of Christmas and I have a hunch you're going to be hooked all the way until Santa rears his ugly head.

But not so fast ... we're not here to actually judge the hardware. This isn't going to be some long discussion about how the Super NES has better technology than the Sega Genesis. That's been done to death, and we're not about to give the fanboys more ammunition against us. That's just not what 33 Consoles of Christmas is about. Instead we're here to judge each system's design. We're going to look at the system and tell you what we think of its coloring, shape and more. Think of it this way, we're judging the dress ... not the beautiful starlet that is wearing it. So far we're up to day nine, which means that we've already covered the NES, Super NES, Genesis, TurboGrafx, Lynx, Game Boy and more. It doesn't matter that we have three more weeks of daily updates before we reach Christmas, what's important is that you have something fun to read every single day. And best of all, these 33 Consoles of Christmas updates aren't getting in the way of our regularly scheduled programming. So every day you have two full length articles to read on Defunct Games. Talk about great news, and that's why we consider this holiday special to be our best article of the month. Be sure and check it out each and every day, because we're counting on you to help us count down the days until Christmas.

Post-Article Thoughts: "When it comes to naming the best article of November 2006 I do have some concerns about giving the award to an article that still has three weeks to go before it's completed. But so far the response has been overwhelming; everybody seems to love our 33 Consoles of Christmas. And why not? It gives us a chance to bitch about those little design flaws that have haunted us for years. But keep in mind, we've only just begun. In the next few weeks you will see us (as in myself and Chad) review consoles from the 32-bit era, modern day consoles, and even the next generation systems. We'll may have started with the Nintendo Entertainment System, but by the time we make it to December 25th you will have read our takes on everything from the Sega Saturn to the PSP to the Nintendo Wii. With only 33 episodes we are going to have to avoid a few consoles along the way, but thanks to the response I have a hunch we will be revisiting those systems sometime next year. But for now we're just taking things one day at a time, there are a lot more systems to get through and somebody has to do it. So keep those emails coming, we love to hear what you think of this feature. If you disagree with us then let us know, otherwise just enjoy the next three weeks and remember that the 33 Consoles of Christmas will probably rank high on next month's episode of RECAPPED, too. If you're sick of all these system reviews, then how about you check the rest of our non-Christmas related articles below? I'm sure you'll find something you like." -Cyril Lachel
2
Why This Article? The staff at Defunct Games is always on the lookout for stupid video made by other game websites. We'll watch just about everything so that we can steal it and make fun of it later. We call this After Thoughts, our monthly look at some of the silliest video the internet has ever created. But this time around we actually had enough stupid video to warrant two different episodes of After Thoughts, one that focused on the PlayStation 3 launch and one that looked at the Wii launch. Both launches brought out crazy fanboys who had to be the first to get their hands on their soon-to-be favorite system, but I don't think anybody would disagree when we say that the Nintendo fans are definitely more insane. If you need proof then I recommend you head on over to After Thoughts: The Legend of Zelda and see these fanboys for yourself. This 20 minute video features an embarrassing interview with a fictional character, a man dressed up as Mario, some serious man-love for Reggie Fils-Aime, and a couple of strong men who are ready to make you feel extremely uncomfortable. And that's not all, we also decided to throw in the newest Army of Two trailer just to show you what Electronic Arts has done to this once promising IP. If that's not enough to convince you to take twenty minutes out of your day and watch our little video then nothing will. So move, get over there and discover why we consider this video to be our second best article of the month!

Post-Article Thoughts: "For many gamers November was all about lining up and weathering a few cold nights in order to be the first to buy the newest video game consoles. Whether you are a fan of the Nintendo Wii or the PlayStation 3 (or both), chances are you had to go a little out of your way to make sure you secured your next generation system. If that describes you then this episode of After Thoughts was made for you. In November we had enough material to create two different episodes of After Thoughts, one about the Nintendo launch and another about the PlayStation 3 launch. After much debate I decided that the Nintendo launch (or, After Thoughts: The Legend of Zelda) was just a better episode. You should still watch both (and when you scroll down and read our fourth best story of November 2006 you'll see why), but I felt that this one was just a little stronger. Should you take that to mean that I think the PlayStation 3 is weaker than the Wii? Nah, but the launches were the difference between night and day." -Cyril Lachel
3
Why This Article? It took us six months to make a pun out of Nintendo's system, I think we deserve a round of applause for being able to resist for that long. In this On Running Feud we attempt to get to the bottom of one of the most troubling aspects of Nintendo's next generation console: the third party support. While everybody seems happy with Nintendo's first party support (well, everybody likes Zelda ... Excite Truck not so much), the system's third party support is about seven flavors beyond confusing. Some people may point to all of the Wii games that are nothing more
than ports from other systems with a new control scheme (Madden, Splinter Cell, etc.), but that's not the problem we're finding. Instead we're the most concerned about how many terrible licensed games are showing up on the Wii. We worry that the first batch of Wii titles are looking a lot like the last batch of GameCube games. Is this a sign that the third parties are not taking the Wii as seriously as they should? Will Nintendo fans have to put up with hundreds of games based on animated movies? Why are we talking in questions? Find out now when you read A Wii Too Many Licensed Games, our third favorite article of November 2006!

Post-Article Thoughts: "When you write an article that is critical of a Nintendo platform you can expect a lot of backlash. I knew that going in, I've had plenty of experience with that in the past. For a lot of Nintendo fans (the type of fans that are in the After Thoughts: The Legend of Zelda video) it's not enough to simply like the game console, if you're going to be with them then you can't say anything bad about Nintendo or its consoles. What these Nintendo fans missed is that this On Running Feud has absolutely nothing to do with Nintendo as a company, it's not their fault that the Wii's third parties are going overboard with games based on licensed movies and TV shows. This is the truth, ignoring a system's troubles doesn't make it go away. I'm never said the Wii was bad because of these third party games, but even the most die hard Nintendo fan has to admit that there's something troubling about the fact that 40% of the launch games are based on animated movies. I'm not worried about the fanatical fanboys, though. That's why I continue to post stories about problems with the industry I want resolved, regardless of how many angry emails I get. So keep those emails coming, perhaps one day you'll see that I'm doing this for Nintendo's benefit." -Cyril Lachel
4
Why This Article? When GameSpot went to New York City to document the PlayStation 3's launch party we figured there would be some funny moments. But who knew that the event would be so ripe with unintentional humor? After watching all three hours of the live coverage, we're proud to say that the PS3 launch was just as silly as we expected it would be, full of memorable characters and stupid quotes. This video manages to bring all of our favorite moments together in one easy to watch location, we've managed to take three hours and turn it into 20 minutes of bliss. In this episode of After Thoughts we see a lot of kids say a lot of stupid things about the PlayStation 3, we see
Eddie Murphy's brother confuse GameSpot with GameStop, we see Lara Croft disappoint a horny GameSpot editor ... and just for good measure, we piss all over 1up.com's terrible Halo 3 coverage. Defunct Games is not afraid to ask the tough questions, like how the heck do you spend three weeks covering Halo 3 and not show us one picture? And why does that guy suck so much at flying that airplane? And what kind of man would dress up like a Wii remote? It's these kinds of questions that make After Thoughts: Dino Crisis so endearing. So go and check it out right now, maybe then you'll see why we consider it to be the fourth best article of November 2006.

Post-Article Thoughts: "This is the second After Thoughts we posted this month, but if you look at the dates this one was done first. Some have noticed that my voice (er, Jake's voice) is somewhat gravely and not as up-beat as previous episodes, this is due to the fact that I was battling a cold and was not generally feeling very good. To an extent the illness comes across in my "action" in After Thoughts: Dino Crisis, but what am I supposed to do, not cover the craziness of the PlayStation 3 launch? The reason I think this episode works so well is because of all of the undeniably awkward moments. Among my favorites are when Charlie Murphy confuses GameSpot.com and GameStop.com, and when Lara Croft (who doesn't even have a Tomb Raider game coming out for the PlayStation 3) tries to convince GameSpot's Tim that they really did meet. Talk about one of those depressing moments. Perhaps this is just me, but I think it's funny that a good chunk of the people in this video were only there to buy the PS3 and put it up on eBay. Even better is the fact that most PlayStation 3's have fetched only two or three hundred dollars over retail, a profit that is hardly worth standing in line for four days just to make sure you got one. I guess that's what you get. But for all those people that decided not to stand in line, you get this very funny episode of After Thoughts that will make you glad you weren't part of the craziness in New York City." -Cyril Lachel
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Why This Article? The Cover Critic is our ongoing feature that looks at some of the worst video game box art of all time. If there's a box with outlandish artwork, terrible use of real people and ugly coloring, then we're there to rip it apart. In this episode of The Cover Critic we take a look at some games that are older than a great deal of our readers. I'm talking about the Intellivision, the crazy game system from Mattel that was released in 1979. Some people think that age doesn't matter, but I have a hunch those people are going to change their minds when they see the artwork
for Beauty & the Beast, Frog Bog, and Night Stalker. No, not that Night Stalkers. I'm talking about the Night Stalker where you're battling giant spiders and robots. Yes, robots. For good measure we also decided to look at the NES cover of 3D World Runner and an Ultraman game that teaches you how to read English. At least that's what we think it does. When it comes to Ultraman who can tell? All five of these covers are terrible, but they are well worth paying attention to ... and that's why Learn to Read with The Cover Critic is our fifth favorite story of November 2006!

Post-Article Thoughts: "This month it came down to a choice between this episode of The Cover Critic and our episode of Commercial Break. Trust me when I tell you that this was a tough decision to make. Ultimately Learn to Read with The Cover Critic won out. There's just something about that Beauty and the Beast cover that makes me come back to it every time. This is the first episode where we've really focused our attention on the terrible Intellivision covers. We all know that cover art was extremely poor back in the 1970s and 80s, but who knew that the art was going to be this bad? Beauty and the Beast is so bad that it defies all logic, making it feel more like a recent Peter Jackson movie than the timeless story of a really ugly dude and his super-hot lover. I also can't resist the terribleness of 3D World Runner, throw that game in the mix and you know you're going to have an article worthy of the best of November 2006. You should still scroll down and read our newest Commercial Break episode (it has a really funny Sears advertisement), but since we had to cap this list at five I had to make the tough decision and go with my gut." -Cyril Lachel
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