Can you survive An Unholy Return: The 31 Games of Halloween?
- DAILY REVIEWS -
Review Crew PSA
Defunct Games RECAPPED!! July 2006 Edition
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on August 02, 2006   |   Episode 13 (Show Archive)  

   
You've just gotten done crying over the downsizing of E3, you can't get enough of Prey and you quit your job to attend Comic Con. It sounds like you barely survived July of 2006! It's a moth that gave us Clerks II, another crazy Pamela Anderson wedding, and an anti-Semitic Mel Gibson! But just because you're too drunk to board an airplane, David Hasselhoff, it doesn't mean that you can't stop enjoying everything that made last month so memorable! This is Defunct Games RECAPPED for July 2006, your chance to revisit all the things you loves; a few of the things you hated and a whole bunch of the stuff you just need to see again. Go hang in there female Lance Bass fans, just because your main squeeze only has eyes for men it doesn't mean you can't enjoy all of the brilliance that was last month. So join us as we take a journey through one of the hottest months of the year!
1
Why This Article? It's always fun to root for the underdog. For years The Cover Critic has been the underdog, it's that trusty little show you can rely on when nothing else is going on. For too long it was nothing more than a way of showing you new covers and determining which were good and which were bad. But no more, the Cover Critic lives and it's about time for him to find his true calling. In what will no doubt be the first of many "themed" episodes, the Cover Critic takes on classic 8-Bit NES games and finds out that it's going to be a bumpy road.

By leaving the safe confines of reviewing current generation (and next generation) box art the Cover Critic is learning that it can be a scary place out there. The five 8-Bit games he locates aren't of the best quality, but are they enough to send him over the edge? Can he handle an Attack in New York? Is he cool enough to hang with the Kid Kool? Does he have the time to figure out what Bump 'N' Jump means? All of these questions are answered in the first great episode of The Cover Critic. This may be the 56th episode, but this will be the one you will remember. And for that we have no other choice but to crown this underdog the best article of July!

Post-Article Thoughts: "There was something freeing about getting away from the current generation cover art, these days even the worst stuff is still pretty good. I decided it was about time to take the lovable Cover Critic back in time and show him what it was like to review some really bad cover art. This opened up all kinds of possibilities, and allowed the Cover Critics' mean inner voice to be heard. The once nice Cover Critic has become a real jerk, and for some odd reason that has made this underrated show that much better." -Cyril Lachel
2
Why This Article? Despite the mixed reviews, Prey was the biggest release of July 2006. It's one of those rare beasts that was cancelled years ago but was resurrected to everybody's surprise. But just because the game was born a decade ago don't let that fool you, the developers of Prey have been busy stealing the ideas found in some of the biggest movies of the last ten years. Apparently the makers of Prey didn't get the memo that ripping off the Matrix trilogy is so pass?. But we're glad they didn't get that memo because it made for a memorable article. And that's just one of the reasons we consider this article to be the second best of July!

Post-Article Thoughts: "Immediately after writing this article I was reminded that I forgot to include a Viagra joke. How can I do an article about popping blue pills and not have a Viagra joke? Perhaps it's better I don't because this article doesn't need any gimmicks. This is just a perfect example of what can happen when you let outside influences get too close to the game you are making. Thankfully Prey's development team stopped at the sentinels, I'm not sure how exciting this game would have been had tried ripping off the Wachowski every step of the way." -Cyril Lachel
3
Why This Article? Because we need to represent the Commercial Break in every episode of RECAPPED!! In all seriousness, this episode of Commercial Break gave us a chance to make fun of the single worst Double Dragon advertisement of all time. It's wrong on every level, but mostly because it seems to suggest incest. On top of that we have an advert for something called DJ Boy, a PC Street Fighter II and Clash at Demonhead (which sounds more like a Clint Eastwood movie than a video game). But mostly this episode is at number three because of that Double Dragon advertisement. Stop making me talk about it, just go and see it for yourself!

Post-Article Thoughts: "In July we offered you two different Commercial Break episodes. It wasn't easy choosing between the two, but ultimately it came down to the one that had that crazy ass Double Dragon advertisement. I just feel that this is the type of commercial that will shock people, especially looking back at it now. The other three adverts are funny, but it just seemed more important to get the Double Dragon one out there. Forget all of the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto, Double Dragon is the game you should be going after ... it has incest!" -Cyril Lachel
4
Why This Article? You know you're in for a good time when you can talk about the Super NES CD-ROM and Batman in the same article. Our ninth episode of They Said WHAT?!? is all over the board, it features Aliens, Sonic, the WonderMega and even the Super Game Boy! Okay, that alone doesn't sound that exciting, but you really must read what Quartermann thought the Super Game Boy was ... it's priceless! If you're one of those fans of EGM's Q-Mann I advice you avert your eyes, but for everybody else I suggest you read explore our fourth favorite story of the month!

Post-Article Thoughts: "At this point debunking Quartermann is more of a sport than anything. These articles almost write themselves, each one features the Q-Mann getting some stuff wrong and then every so often he has a lucky break. I like this one because of what he says the Super Game Boy will be, he tries so hard but just doesn't hit the mark. In fact, he doesn't even come close to the mark when making that prediction. It's worth going through the full article just to hear what he has to say about the Super Game Boy. I wish Quartermann the best, but it's just too easy to show him where he's wrong. It looks like I have my work cut out for me." -Cyril Lachel
5
Why This Article? There just isn't enough profanity in your normal video game article. Defunct Games decided to buck that trend and bring in the master of rude comments, Gordon Ramsay. This is our exclusive preview of Hell's Kitchen for the Xbox 360. But this is more than a preview, we're also prepared to show you the cover and give you the first ever interview with Gordon Ramsay. Still not convinced? Ah well, you probably shouldn't be ... it's all fake anyway. But it's still a funny article and well worth a couple minutes of your time. Just get in there and do it you donkey!

Post-Article Thoughts: "From time to time I just need to offer an article that shocks everybody. It doesn't need to have the best topic or feature the most eloquent writing, it just needs to knock you out of your chair and make you wonder what the hell I was thinking. I think I did my job with a theme that has absolutely nothing to do with video games and added a whole lot of unedited profanity. This is one interview you won't see in any magazine, it's about as rude and crude as you can get ... and I love it. It makes me smile how easy it was to get quotes from the guy and then assemble a fake interview. This may not be everybody's favorite article this month, but it goes way over the top and demonstrates why the internet is better than paper products." -Cyril Lachel
5
Why This Article? We decided to sneak a sixth article onto this list; it's one of the last E3 articles you will read. With the shocking announcement that E3 will be downsizing next year we couldn't resist adding our final E3 article to this list. Oddly enough this article, Hey BPM, You Don't Belong Here!, feels very apropos after the recent announcements. This is a feature about three magazines that probably shouldn't be at E3, just like so many people at this year's event. You can still feel bad about what's happened to E3 and enjoy this good hearted article about three random magazines!

Post-Article Thoughts: "Although I spent a lot of time deriding these three magazines, I am actually glad that I was able to pick them up and dig through their various features. I wasn't that excited about the car magazine, but the techno music mag talked about a few bands I probably would have never found if it weren't for E3. Oh man, all this talk about the E3 of the past is just making me choke up a little. I'm just so sad at the passing of the E3 I knew and loved. But we must go on; we have to believe that there will be brighter days in our future. A brighter future that does not include my beloved E3." -Cyril Lachel
MORE RECENT DEFUNCT GAMES ARTICLES ...


DISNEY AFTERNOON VS. THE CRITICS

Did Critics Like Duck Tales in 1989?
EGM VS. FULL-MOTION VIDEO

From Night Trap to Corpse Killer!



STEAM REVIEW

Riptale
STEAM REVIEW

Missile Cards
STEAM REVIEW

The Crow's Eye

comments powered by Disqus