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Defunct Games RECAPPED!! May 2006 Edition
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on June 02, 2006   |   Episode 11 (Show Archive)  

You've just discovered that the government has been keeping track of your phone calls, you voted three hundred times for Taylor Hicks and you've finally had a chance to touch Nintendo's Wii. It sounds like you just barely got out of May 2006 alive! It was a month that brought us Britney Spear's baby troubles, sticker shock over the PlayStaiton 3, and Brangelina running off to Namibia. But there's no reason to hold your breath, David Blaine, because we're about to rip this month apart when Defunct Games presents RECAPPED!! for May 2006. Join us as we super size this month's RECAPPED!! with more of the things you love, the things you hate, and a few of the things you need to see again! It's time to find whether or not E3 was the only thing on our minds when we take you back to May 2006!
Why This Article? In case you haven't noticed already May's RECAPPED is an extra long one, featuring the top ten articles of the month (instead of our regular 5). With E3 and sweeps all landing at roughly the same time we ended up with more articles that we know what to do with, and since so many of them are high quality (and deserve the advertising) we figured it would be nice to celebrate a few extra just for good measure.

Our top article is no surprise; it's our full coverage of this year's E3. Featuring dozens of articles and all kinds of insight, Everything You Know About E3 is Wrong proves to be our most ambitious E3 feature yet. Featuring articles written before E3, while at E3, and after E3, Everything You Know is a collection of opinions you won't find anywhere else. We tell you all about our favorite games, the biggest disappointments, and what we honestly think of the brand new consoles. And better yet, we're going to keep on delivering E3 content until we have nothing more to say. So look for more hands-on features, demo reviews, and opinions about systems all through the summer. Not only is this the best feature of May, but it could turn out to be the best of June, July, August, and so on. I guess we'll have to see what June brings us.

Post-Article Thoughts: "With E3 on our minds all month this was a fairly obvious choice for our favorite feature. But is it really fair to consider Everything You Know About E3 is Wrong an article? Wasn't it more like 25 different articles? Sure, but for the sake of argument we're just going to consider it one feature with a whole lot of content. We wanted to do something special this year, we wanted to bring you our thoughts from the motel room, something we weren't able to do back in 2005. Unfortunately this takes a lot of time so we weren't able to post everything we wanted while in Los Angeles. Another problem we ran into was the motel's terrible wireless internet service, which never seemed to go above dial-up speeds. This wasn't enough to ruin an otherwise amazing vacation, but it did hinder our performance a bit. But we weren't going to let a slow internet connection get us down, we wrote as much as we could and decided to just keep writing E3-related articles until we've run dry. So expect E3 2006 features from now until, well, next E3. This was one of the best shows I have ever been to and I think you can see why when you read through the dozens of articles we posted during the month of May." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Everything You Know About E3 is Wrong may be our informative E3 wrap-up, but The Seven Deadly Sins of E3 is the article we're the most proud of. This was a humorous look at all of the bad (and evil) things that go on at E3, including gluttony, lust,
and all of those other sins that will send you straight to hell. We knew that it was either us or you, and being the good Samaritans we are, Defunct Games opted to protect all of our readers from facing the evils of E3. With blackened souls and a fate worse than death, Defunct Games brought you this insightful guide to all of the annoying things you see every year at E3. This feature may not have the length of our number 1 story, but it makes up for it with pure heart and soul ... at least it used to have a heart and soul, now it's just another feature that's been to E3.

Post-Article Thoughts: "I've had the idea of doing a "Seven Deadly Sins" article from the moment I came up with I've Got Your Number. I figured that we would hit the number 7 soon enough, but never really knew what the topic was going to be. I knew I wanted to do something about sins but I wasn't sure where the video game angle would come from. And then I got a little gift from Heaven (or maybe it's from Hell, judging by the topic) called E3. E3 gave me the chance to write an article about its evils in a tongue in cheek manner. I was able to vent all of my complaints against the world's biggest video game trade show before actually going to the world's biggest video game trade show. This was a big hit during the week of E3, it was part of what we were calling sweeps period, a week where we had nothing but our best shows. Now the real task is to figure out what our eighth episode of I've Got Your Number will be, something that has nothing to do with 8-Bit!" -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Whenever we produce an audio podcast it usually ends up on the list of our favorite shows of the month, and The Real Life Adventures of Valis is no exception. In our third official mp3 podcast we take the famous radio plays of the early part of the 20th century and flip them on their side. Instead of casting new talent, Defunct Games has edited
out all of the dialog from Valis II for the TurboGrafx-CD and rearranged it in an interesting (and often humorous way). We ended up having to cast one part, but it all comes together in a way that is unique. Best of all, this radio play isn't very long so it's perfect for anybody on the go. The Real Life Adventures of Valis was a perfect way to close the week of E3, it represents one of the many directions Defunct Games has taken recently. It might be a given that an audio podcast would hit this best-of list, but we feel that this one really deserves your attention.

Post-Article Thoughts: "After posting The Real Life Adventures of Valis I was flooded with emails wondering why the sudden change in Radio Free Gaming. We had gone from a fake radio station to a fake radio play, all with little to no warning. But it's always been my intention to make Radio Free Gaming very random ... kind of like Defunct Games is. It's my goal to constantly surprise you with new content and new directions for Radio Free Gaming, kind of like if you were to turn on a real radio station. We will still go back to our fake radio program, but expect a few more audio creations before that happens. The Real Life Adventure of Valis was fun to put together, after removing all of the dialog from the game the script pretty much wrote itself. Not everybody understood the joke, but this feature was directed at those older gamers who remember how bad old voice acting was. These days we are still dealing with bad voice actors, but it's not on the same level as those old TurboGrafx-CD games. Hopefully this radio play was as much fun to listen to as it was to put together." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? These days most people don't take GamePro's reviews very seriously, time after time they've proven to be an untrustworthy place when you're in need of some critical help. For years we've contested that GamePro is the type of magazine that gets excited about something to the point where they are willing to overlook the game's problems. This theory became a little more credible thanks to their June 2006 issue, in which they announce that Mario Kart: Double Dash is the single biggest Mario disappointment ... despite the game scoring a perfect score only three years earlier. In this On Running Feud we get to the bottom of GamePro's hypocrisy by examining what they said about Mario's adventures then and what they say about them now. What we uncovered surprised even a jaded gamer like myself, and that's why GamePro's Lowest Moment - Mario Mix is one of the best shows of May 2006.

Post-Article Thoughts: "This Mario-centric article isn't very old; we just posted it a few days ago. But while it may be one of the final articles seen in May 2006, it is still one of the best. I got a lot of mail about this one trying to figure out why I dislike Mario, but that wasn't the point of GamePro's Lowest Moment - Mario Mix, I wasn't out to make Mario (or Nintendo) feel bad, this was a show that was all about making GamePro look bad. Okay, they already look bad, but we wanted to make them look even worse. Most media outlets are willing to let GamePro get away with giving a game a perfect score one month and then naming it Mario's worst moment, but that's not going to fly here at Defunct Games. When we see the hypocritical press try to rewrite history we make sure and point it out. That's why you come to Defunct Games and that's why this article is so close to the top of our list." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Compilation Anxiety is your own personal guide to what to do (and what not to do) when designing a collection of classic video games. With so many companies trying to capitalize on their past success, we felt it was about time somebody offers a step by step guide to making the perfect compilation. And Defunct Games is willing to go one step further; we're ready to provide a list of compilations that deserve to be made. The last thing we want to see are video game compilations that fail to live up to their potential. The fans of these classic video games deserve more from their collections and that's why we proposed a set of rules that should be front and center no matter what type of collection you plan on putting together. It's yet another example of Defunct Games going the extra mile to teach the video game companies what the consumer wants so they won't mess up in the future. And that's why we feel Compilation Anxiety is one of the best articles of May 2006!

Post-Article Thoughts: "The debate over classic video came collections is still going strong in my email box, it seems like everybody has an opinion and I figured it was time for me to weigh in on the matter. I have nothing against video game collections; I personally feel they are a great waste of time on portable game systems. But I hated the piss poor job the companies were doing converting their classic arcade hits. A Midway collection featuring Mortal Kombat II sounds like a great PSP game, but it wasn't because nobody knew how to optimize the game for the handheld. It was my hope that by writing this article other video game companies might learn a few things about what gamers wanted, and who knows, maybe some good could come out of it. The final two pages of the article (which was nothing more than a list of games I wanted) may have been self serving, but who will make the games you want if you never drop any hints? Defunct Games isn't about dropping hints, we want to be as blatant about what we want as possible. Seriously, it's about time Sega gets off their butt and gives us an RPG collection!" -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? It's the new and improved Cover Critic, your one-stop guide to what's good and bad in video game cover art. Join Cyril as he does more than grade your favorite spring releases ... he rips them apart and makes them wish they had never been created. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present a whole
new Cover Critic, the type of critic that isn't about to take any guff and will tell you how it is. But this take no prisoners attitude isn't the only thing worth checking out, we also suggest you discover the brand new look and easier to access covers. This may seem like an unlikely article to be featured in a recap, but after you read The Cover Critic and the Cop you will see why we're so proud of our 54th Cover Critic!

Post-Article Thoughts: "I just want to point out something on this list that will probably never happen again: we're featuring an episode of The Cover Critic in the top five instead of one of our Commercial Break episodes. In fact, all three Commercial Break episodes are featured in the Honorable Mention section of this page, something that just does not happen. This is a testament to how good May was for Defunct Games, we had so many great articles that even our best show was eclipsed. Part of the reason for this abnormal situation comes from The Cover Critics new look, which takes into account all of the problems people had with the older episodes. Along with the new look comes a brand new writing style, we're not just telling you why these covers are good (or bad), we're going one step further and making fun of them ... almost as if they were the bad advertising we see in the Commercial Break episodes. I personally love the new look and direction, and from the response I got right after posting it (which included a call from the PR company behind The Da Vinci Code) I would say most people enjoyed it too." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? At this year's E3 Electronic Arts vowed to create more "original" titles, opting against annual sports games and licensed products (the games that put them on top). If Electronic Arts can come up with some original content then why can't everybody else ... perhaps even Nintendo? Although Nintendo consistently releases top
notch video games, they are often of the Mario, Zelda or Metroid variety. Occasionally there's a StarFox game and maybe even Kirby, but if you're looking for a brand new character you best be looking elsewhere. That's why in this On Running Feud we are on our hands and knees begging Nintendo to follow in Electronic Arts' footsteps and release more original content, some new franchises that we can get excited about. It's time to give Mario, Zelda, and Metroid a little break. Some may disagree with our assessment, others may think we're off our rocker, but this Feud is one show everybody should tune in and check out. It's about time Nintendo gives us a new IP, and the fact that we're one of the few video game publications saying that is reason enough for this article to be on this list!

Post-Article Thoughts: "Who knew that I could take a backhanded compliment about Electronic Arts and turn it into a vicious attack on Nintendo? As usual we got a whole lot of hate mail after posting this article, but I feel that it tells the truth ... Big N is in desperate need of some new characters, and fast! I was pleased to see some of the regular Nintendo loyalists come around and agree with me on this issue, there's nothing wrong with admitting that your favorite company isn't perfect. The more open everybody is about these problems the better it will be for everybody. We can spend all day bashing the PSP, Xbox 360 and whatever other system that competes with Nintendo, but that doesn't change the fact that the Big N is in need of a new IP. Just ignoring the issue doesn't help anybody, it's time to stand up and be vocal. Nintendo needs to know that they can't just float on the back of Mario and Zelda. Well, maybe Zelda, but certainly not Mario." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Because it's the long awaited third installment of Service Gaming: The Show!! Believe it or not it has been three years since we published the second episode of our original game show, a game where we ask regular people stupid video game questions and it's up to you to determine whether they got the answers right or wrong. It's addictive, it's exciting .. and it took a really long time to be released. Our third episode offers gamers a new interface, three new contestants (victims), and some huge surprises. But who cares about that? For a lot of you it's all about finally getting a show that has been promised for years. Whether or not it was worth the wait is entirely up to you, but the fact that this is the first time in three years we've revisited Service Gaming means that it automatically is one of the best shows of the month. Hopefully you will agree.

Post-Article Thoughts: "The Cross-Wits marked the first new episode of Service Gaming in years, which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I'm happy because I feel that we have a solid game show that everybody enjoys playing. I still run into people who remember the show from 2003 and bring it up with loving memories. But at the same time I feel like I've let everybody down by not adding to it. I've had time, I've had questions, I've had people to ask ... but I just never put it all together to release a third installment. We opened new game shows, introduced viewers to new shows, and retrofitted the entire site a couple of times, but I never got around to posting a third Service Gaming. After months of feeling guilty I finally decided to release a new episode, featuring a new look and three brand new contestants. We featured the article right in the middle of E3 week and everybody loved it, it was as if nothing had changed. Expect to see more episodes of Service Gaming soon, at E3 I made sure to ask a lot of questions that will be used when we decide to revisit our first game show in the future. But don't worry; it won't be the distant future." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Now here's something you won't find very often, an article that is suggesting that it's actually good for a company to fail. But that's exactly what I'm saying, it's time for Sony to feel the bitter taste of defeat
once and for all, that way they can learn from their mistakes and give us something new and innovative. Defunct Games isn't afraid to get our feet wet to tell it like it is and convince others that in order for Sony to win they are going to have to fail. How do you do that without sounding like a complete fanboy? Well, you don't ... but that didn't stop us from posting one of the most controversial articles of the year. See what all the fuss is about in this convoluted Feud!

Post-Article Thoughts: "Talk about taking some heat for an article, after writing this article about the benefits of a regime change I received countless letters from Sony fans demanding I take a second look at the PlayStation 3. And that's not all, I actually got a few pro-President Bush people that couldn't believe I would publish a picture of the then Governor flipping us off. I was deemed a traitor and referred to as a Nintendo fanboy in too many letters to list. A Nintendo fanboy?? Clearly these people haven't read Defunct Games because I have been extra critical on Nintendo and their adventures in the video game industry. I wouldn't consider the site to be anti-Nintendo, but it's hard to consider Defunct Games to be pro-Nintendo ... especially when the only systems of theirs we cover are the Virtual Boy and the Nintendo 64DD. It's nice to hear the other side call me biased for once, but I just try to tell it like I see it ... and in this case I'm seeing a super expensive console that is headed straight into an iceberg. Sorry Sony, but it's true." -Cyril Lachel

Why This Article? Every few weeks we like to go back in time with Electronic Gaming Monthly and test the accuracy of Quartermann, their resident gossip guru. Although he's normally wrong, the Q-mann is known for getting at least one or two predictions
right every issue. But not this time, in the December 1999 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly our favorite gossip hound comes up empty. No matter what system he's talking about -- from the Dreamcast to the PS2 to the GameCube -- the Quartermann is ready to perpetuate false rumors just because he can. So look out Quartermann, Defunct Games is here to show the world how accurate you really are. And while it may not get the play it deserves on these recap lists, I think you will find one of our most exciting episodes when you read Pitching a No-Hitter!

Post-Article Thoughts: "Usually I wouldn't put an episode of They Said WHAT?!? on the list of the top shows of the month, but the December 1999 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly proved to be a perfect example of why I created this show. For the first time ever we hit a no-hitter, not a single thing the Quartermann said was right. Not one single thing. I generally choose this issues of EGM at random, I'm not the type of person that goes looking for an issue where everything is wrong. So it was simply good luck that I found a magazine that featured no factual information, none what so ever. Just remember this issue the next time Electronic Gaming Monthly tries to feed you the line that the Q-mann is right more than he is wrong. Thanks EGM, thanks for the no-hitter!" -Cyril Lachel


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