Like the Ninja Gaiden book, this Bionic Commando novel is completely non-violent!
Last April we decided to conduct an experiment to see if people would be willing to listen to us read a terrible book. I'm not talking about a bad book (like The Bridges of Madison County), but rather an absolutely abysmal video game novelization. But not any video game novelization ... we had to choose one of the worst. And thus CYRIL READS NINJA GAIDEN was born. Week after week we read the chapters, added our own unique theatrical flair and tried to make sense of the convoluted plot.
Alas Ninja Gaiden has come and gone. At long last it's time to choose a new book, something that is just as bad (if not worse) than anything Ryu Hayabusa had to go through. So it is without any more nonsense that I present to you: CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO! Over the next three months we are going to offer a new episode of CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO every Wednesday.
This time around you're upping our game. Not only will we be using the official Bionic Commando music, but we are also
Don't be fooled, this is NOT the Bionic Commando!
going to be using the real sound effects from the just released Capcom game Bionic Commando Rearmed! And if that wasn't enough, we are also planning on having a few contests throughout the run of CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO! Now will be your chance to win copies of Bionic Commando Rearmed (which was released TODAY on the Xbox Live Arcade), and all you have to do is listen and answer extremely simple questions. But more on that later, because right now we have a couple of chapters to listen to. So sit back and get ready for CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO!
NOTE: What you are about to listen to is Cyril Lachel actually reading the real book, Bionic Commando. Released in 1991 by Scholastic Publishing, Bionic Commando is a lighthearted (and generally non-violent) action story that is all of 120 pages long. We have not altered J.B. Stamper's original book in any way, this really is what they released for $2.95 18 years ago.
00:00 - Introduction to Bionic Commando
01:35 - Prologue: The Pit of Peril!
03:20 - Chapter 1: Jack, Super Joe and Pizza!
15:50 - Chapter 2: Jack and His Plastic Member!
26:45 - An Open Letter to J.B. Stamper!
(Technical Information: CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO - Episode 1 runs for 31:35 at a size of 17.8 mb zipped or 18.0 mb unzipped.)
Note: Defunct Games would like to thank both Capcom and Grin for supplying both music and sound effects. We would also like to thank all of the other websites and podcasts who linked and advertised this article. And of course we would like to thank the people who listened to it, without you we wouldn't be able to make a terrible podcast like this. See you next week for another exciting episode of CYRIL READS BIONIC COMMANDO!)