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What If ... EGM2 Was Torturing You?
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on April 12, 2010   |   Episode 17 (Show Archive)  

   

C'mon Blizzard, quit mocking the people that want another Blackthorne game. I'll take Blackthorne 2 over StarCraft 3 any day of the week!
It's tough being the spin-off of a famous video game magazine. Just ask EGM2, a magazine cynically released to capitalize on the overwhelming success of Electronic Gaming Monthly. At its inception EGM2 was created to print the spill-over news and previews that didn't quite make it into EGM proper. Unfortunately, that's not what gamers got when they opened their plastic wrapper. Instead of a magazine with its own identity, EGM2 just aped the look and feel of its older brother. Worse yet, the magazine left most of the popular features (such as interviews and reviews) for Electronic Gaming Monthly to deal with.

Seeing this as a problem, EGM2's staff attempted to give the magazine an identity by offering reader supported content. One of their ideas was a monthly "What If ..." column. This feature allowed EGM2 readers (also known as babies) a chance to send in their own one-liners. While I'm sure this seemed like a great idea in the board room, what ended up happening was a largely predictable disaster. Let's face it, most people aren't funny. There's a difference between making your friends and family laugh, writing actual jokes is tough. But that didn't stop hundreds of unfunny readers from sending in their own abusive words.

To celebrate these citizen jokesters, Defunct Games would like to present you with a challenge. We bet that you can't listen to 100 "What If ..." questions. We'll make it easy for you, below you will find a twenty minute long audio clip that will walk you through the process. Can you handle 100 terrible jokes? If you can, you will find a surprise waiting for you at the bottom of the page. So don't delay, listen to this audio recording and then scroll down to see how you did. Can you endure the torture? Let's find out now ...


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What If ... You Didn't Listen to Any of It? On one hand you might think that you're the winner. After all, you avoided twenty minutes of pure torture. But deep down you feel like the loser you are. You had the choice of testing yourself, but like everything

What's that? You didn't listen to ANY of it? Don't worry, we'll find you!!
else in your life you chickened out. What's with you? You had the Opportunity to be a real hero, but you chose the easy way out. No wonder you can't commit to your relationships and are constantly getting fired from jobs. Maybe it would be better for all of us if you left this planet permanently.

What If ... You Got to Number 25? Look, I get it, that buzzer is annoying and nobody likes to hear somebody getting tortured. But I think you could have done better, especially since the really good stuff happens at Number 26. Can I convince you to give it another shot? But remember, since you ducked out of this challenge early you will need to start the audio recording from the beginning. No cheating, we're watching you. I said from the beginning.

What If ... You Got to Number 50? Hey, look at you. You made it half way through. I guess you think that you're a hero. But you're not. Look, a real hero doesn't quit half way through. That's what Sarah Palin does. Do you want to be Sarah Palin? Of course not. And besides, the

Don't say we didn't warn you!
really good stuff happens at Number 51. Get back in there and listen to the end. But remember to start it from the beginning, that's your punishment for being a quitter.

What If ... You Got to Number 75? What the ... you made it this far and couldn't go all the way? What does that say about you? I mean, the really good stuff happens at Number 76. You really missed out, and you came so close. In some weird way that feels worse than not starting it at all. I don't care that you made it so far in, you're still a loser in my eyes. Now get back in there and listen to the rest of it, starting from the beginning.

What If ... You Listened to it All? We have already notified the proper authorities and were told that they are currently on their way to your house. They want to talk to you about the missing family and where you dropped their bodies. They are also curious about the two children. So don't flee, they'll be there shortly and we'll get to the bottom of this mystery. Oh, and even though we called the cops on you, I appreciate you listening to the whole thing.
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