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Nintendo Power Uncovered
Nintendo Power #35: April 1992 - WWF Super WrestleMania
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on March 04, 2014   |   Episode 35 (Show Archive)  

   
After nearly three hundred issues, Nintendo Power has finally come to an end. To send this long-running periodical off in style, the Cover Critic has decided to review every single issue. Join him as he experiences every aspect of Nintendo's journey through their magazine covers.

Hello Nintendo Power, please take a seat. My name is Cyril and I've been evaluating your progress over the last 34 issues. Together we've weathered the good times, as well as a few moments I'm sure you would rather forget. I've brought in your friends and family, because together we feel like you're headed down the wrong path. Nintendo Power, this is an intervention.

It's not just this lousy WWF Super WrestleMania cover that is the problem. Sure, it doesn't help your case, but it's just one in a long line of horrible covers. In the past few months, you've managed to butcher the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Metroid and even Star Trek. You used to be so good at this, but lately it feels like you're just phoning it in. This week's cover looks like it was thrown together at the very last second, using little more than PhotoShop and the WWF's vast catalog of stills.

Even if we accept that this month's cover wasn't the product of gross procrastination, it still doesn't make any sense. Here we see Hulk Hogan mere seconds away from landing on John "Earthquake" Tenta. To bring this back to video games, Hulk is crushing a Super NES controller, blowing it up into a thousand tiny pieces. But don't feel too bad for the controller, because the popular pad was ruined the moment its cord was yanked out. Without the wire, this Super NES controller is as useless as a WWF referee. So go on Hulk, crush that already broken controller.

Imagine the fun Nintendo Power's artists could have had with clay wrestlers. Or perhaps they could replace the audience with popular game characters. Or have Hulk landing on the 8-bit Earthquake. Or, or, or ... there are so many great ideas you can come up with if you don't wait until the very last second. And that's the problem; you aren't taking this seriously anymore. We're only 35 issues into the run and it feels like you're already on auto-pilot.

We're all here to support you, Nintendo Power. We want you to get better. But you are making it hard. You're constantly lying to us, and we're sick of it. Do you honestly think we believe you when you talk about the Super NES? You're just embarrassing yourself and something needs to change. Please, for yourself and the people that care about you, seek help.

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