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Nintendo Power Uncovered
Nintendo Power #24: May 1991 - Vice: Project Doom
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on October 29, 2013   |   Episode 24 (Show Archive)  

   
After nearly three hundred issues, Nintendo Power has finally come to an end. To send this long-running periodical off in style, the Cover Critic has decided to review every single issue. Join him as he experiences every aspect of Nintendo's journey through their magazine covers.

I hate to go off on a paranoid rant, but I have a secret to reveal for the first time. You see, I have a stalker. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but I know he's there. He lives in the shadows, keeping his identity secret. He spies in on me as I type, knows who I call and collects my email. He knows what music I like, what porn I watch, what my first date routine is and where the skeletons are buried, both figuratively and literally. My stalker is thorough.

Unfortunately, my stalker is not exclusive to me. He's spying on millions of Americans right now. The guy reading my email is probably the same person who has been watching over your Netflix queue. You see, my stalker is the National Security Agency; the same government agency that has been collecting your phone records, browser history, Facebook posts, text messages, emails, sexts and more.

I bring this up for two reasons. For one thing, it's sobering when you realize that there's no such thing as privacy anymore. But more importantly, I bring this up because this week's Nintendo Power cover is dreadfully boring. The artwork is a mixture of hand-drawn and pixels from the actual game. This is a solid base for a cover, but the visuals in Vice: Project Doom let everybody down. It's disappointing to see so many repeating sprites. Even worse is the coloring, which is so purple that I started to wonder if somewhere off camera Prince was exploding.

Perhaps the worst thing about the cover is the actual stalker, who might as well be standing right next to his prey. We can't see his face and don't know who he is or why he's stalking that guy; all we know is that he uses a pair of giant futuristic binoculars. And that's where the cover loses me. Why would this guy need giant futuristic binoculars when he's standing across the way from the man in blue? Not even Nick "Blind Fury" Parker needs binoculars that strong.

If any outcome is likely, it's that this pair of giant binoculars will tip the man in blue off. But maybe that's a good thing. Actually, I don't know. Is the man in blue supposed to be the good guy? Are we the stalkers? What exactly is going on here? I'm sure there's a message here, but I don't know what it is. Oh well, maybe my NSA stalker will figure it out and get back to me.

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