A lot of people ask me why I don't count down the best and worst games reviewed by GamePro. Believe it or not, there's a really simple answer -- they gave out too many perfect scores. No, really. Between 1990 and 1996, GamePro gave four hundred games a perfect 5 out of 5. Four hundred. It was 113 in 1993 alone. Obviously, there's no way to narrow that down to a top ten list, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk about one of video gaming's longest-running magazines.

Today we're going to embark on a long-running series where I pull some of the silliest, craziest, punniest and most baffling GamePro quotes of all time. You see, GamePro had this weird habit of trying to end each review with a pun or a joke, most of which are pretty cringy. It's actually something I find to be incredibly endearing. So, forget about the full reviews or even the scores, because I'm just going to pull out the best bits from a wide variety of games we usually don't talk about. I hope you brought your fancy shoes, because we're about to induct a few of the Great Moments in GamePro.


Contra (NES): "You haven't lived and died, and lived and died, and lived and died until you've tried Contra."

Maniac Mansion (NES): "Keep your head clear, don't drink any radioactive water, and you'll be out of the mansion before you can say, "Come up to the lab and see what's on the slab!"

Code Name: Viper (NES): "Ready to take on the drug runners in some controller-crunching jungle gunslinging? The gang's all here!"

Abadox (NES): "Abadox is a gutsy game packed with pixel-poppin' fun. Heed Lt. Nazal's last words: "Through the lips and over the gums, look out parasitis here I come."

The Adventures of Lolo 2 (NES): "Lala's really in trouble this time, but Lolo will get her back. After all, whatever Lolo wants, Lolo gets."

Burai Fighters (NES): "If you're a die-hard shoot 'em up fan and you're looking for a challenge, this one's for you. Remember: In space, no one can year you scream."

Air Diver (Genesis): "The wild blue yonder was never wilder. This game won't let you down, video jet jockeys -- it just shoots you down."

Shove It (Genesis): "In the end, it takes brawn and brains to succeed and you're more likely to end up with a headache than a backache."

Alex Kidd in Shinobi World (Master System): "If you're looking for some truly cross cart-ural entertainment, look no further. Alex is in a tight spot but we all know he's got the stuff to come out on top. Remember: Tricks are for Kidd!"

Cyber Core (TurboGrafx-16): "And remember, it's going to take more than a flyswatter to squash this bunch of voracious vermin. But we know you won't let it bug you!"

Basketbrawl (7800): "If you're tough enough to take on the hardcore inner-city streets for some heavy duty jungleball, jump on that joystick and give this all new 7800 cart a shot. In your face, your ear, your stomach, your mouth, your ..."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Game Boy): "I'd like to rap some more with ya, but the pizza delivery dude is at the door, and I want to get them before the other guys do! (Sometimes they're more like pigs than turtles you know!)"

Batman (Game Boy): "Although the graphics are a little small (you may end up blind as a bat), the gameplay for Sunsoft's Batman is excellent. Holy Game Boy, Batman."

Wizards & Warriors: The Fortress of Fear (Game Boy): "Fortress of Fear is a great Game Boy adventure. If you like puzzling levels and fast-paced swordplay, give it a go. But don't let that old Black Magic put you in its spell."

Skate or Die: Bad 'N Rad (Game Boy): "Keep your board moving and your wits about you -- or else this game becomes Die or Die."

Spot (NES): "Cute, clever, acrobatic, these guys have got it all so be prepared to run the gamut of emotions when you try to match wits with these rotund pranksters. As Shakespeare's MacBeth said, "Out, out darn spot!"

Budokan (Genesis): "Here's a martial arts cart that emphasizes the "art" over the "martial" without scrimping on the action. Budokan is a smash that ought to give other fighting carts a swift kick in the pants."

Target Earth (Genesis): "When it comes to strategy and fast action, Target Earth has it all. If you like to space out, this is the game for you!"

Gargoyle's Quest (Game Boy): "You just might find yourself addicted to this cart! Remember, when you start flapping around your house and clinging to the furniture, you'll know it's time to put the game down!"