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Is Zooey Deschanel the New Solid Snake?
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on May 10, 2012   |   Episode 87 (Show Archive)  

   

Now there's a book I wouldn't mind reading!
I expect a certain level of ridiculousness when it comes to reading Worlds of Power books. Between the Bionic Commando fighting an octopus and Ryu Hayabusa getting shot by a 13 year old girl, I'm ready to accept just about any outlandish scenario. These are goofy little book written specifically for kids, so the sillier the better. But what happens when somebody decides to take nutty ideas from a Worlds of Power book and incorporate it into a popular television sitcom?

Disaster!

It didn't take long for Cyril Reads Metal Gear to get silly. After suffering through two dull introduction chapters, Solid Snake was finally ready to break into Outer Heaven, save the Snake Men and defeat the Metal Gear ... whatever that is. Almost immediately our hero comes face-to-face with a pack of wild attack dogs. What will Solid Snake do? Will Justin Halley be shredded to bits before he even enters Outer Heaven?

Unfortunately there are a few things working against Solid Snake. For one thing, he doesn't know what language the dogs speak. Worse yet, he has no weapons and can't outrun them. He's completely cornered with no place to go. But he has an idea. Justin's training had prepared him to think outside of the box. WAY outside of the box. Here's how he gets out of this scrape according to the book:


That's right; he gets down on all fours and pretends to be a jungle cat. He roars and imitates a panther, a tactic that actually seems to work. It doesn't matter that the pack of wild dogs can see that he's not a panther, yet they fall for his rouse? That's the kind of unrealistic thing that would never happen outside of a Worlds of Power book. Or would it?

It turns out that the Fox network has been taking notes from F.X. Nine's line of children's books. This week's season finale of New Girl saw Zooey Deschanel come face-to-face with an angry coyote. Like most manic pixie dream girls, our hero didn't know what to do. First she decides to imitate the Road Runner ("meep meep"), but that doesn't seem to work. Then she opts for a slightly more solid plan. That is, a Solid Snake plan. See for yourself:


Your eyes don't deceive you, that's Zooey getting down on all fours and imitating a fierce animal. She barks until the dog runs away, nearly the exact same tactic Solid Snake used in the Metal Gear book. The only real difference is that Zooey didn't roll around in animal musk before

I doubt Sam Fisher has ever been compared to Zooey Deschanel!
engaging the coyote, making her fight even more harrowing. On the other hand, perhaps that scene was cut for time.

It turns out that both New Girl and Metal Gear are wrong. When dealing with a wild, man-eating dog, you shouldn't get down on all fours and pretend to be a bigger predator. Not only are these animals deadly, but they are cunning and sharp. They know you didn't just transform from a tasty human into a wild cat. Much like running away, getting

Manic pixie dream girl!
down to their level is the worst thing you could possibly do; it's terrible, terrible advice.

What they should have done is stood their ground, made loud noises and waved their arms. Coyotes are often scared off by these loud noises, especially if you're aggressive. You should also keep eye contact, letting them know that you're in control of the situation. If they get too close, hit them with a bag. Just don't run away. NEVER RUN AWAY!

Given the plummeting ratings of New Girl, this would have been a great (albeit violent) way to end the series run. Just imagine how much buzz the show would get if a coyote ripped Zooey Deschanel to pieces in the final seconds of the season. And better still, if the show gets renewed they can easily point to the title and get a new girl.
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