Geminose: Animal Popstars

As somebody who has been reviewing games for twenty years, I am painfully aware that a lot of people still think that video games are for kids. Obviously, this is something I reject, as gaming is for everyone. However, I had a depressing thought while playing through the new rhythm game Geminose: Animal Popstars -- I may, in fact, be too old to play this game. This bright and aggressively upbeat mini-game collection mixes elements from titles as disparate as Rock Band, Cooking Mama and Fruit Ninja, all while looking and sounding like something that would come on right after Paw Patrol. It's a game that was clearly made for young girls who want to dance in front of the TV and play dress up with a bunch of gem-nosed animals. What am I doing with my life?

If you're wondering who (or what) the Geminose are, then you've come to the right place. They are incredibly talented animals with gems for noses who love to dance, dress up, cook and play games. Obviously. We're introduced to these musical animals by Nimmy and her sister Smudge, a pair of young girls who dream about traveling to every corner of Planet Geminose in an effort to form an international band and share their love of pop songs with cultures around the world. This sets up a globe-trotting adventure where we follow the band's rise to stardom by playing through nearly sixty stages full of mini-games that span a whole bunch of different genres.

Although there's a lot going on in this game, Geminose largely revolves around the band playing their 19 songs at a number of gigs. This is probably the most consistently entertaining part of the game, as it gives us a chance to wave our arms around in order to hit notes and play along with the inspirational pop hits. These rhythm game sections aren't all that different from a lot of music and dancing games, as you'll need move the Joy-Cons around in order to play the note in time with the song. There are high, medium and low notes for both the left and right controllers, so you'll need to hold your arm up when the high note comes or down with the low note. The game wants you to make aggressive waving motions like you're dancing along, but there's no need for that. A slight movement up and down is enough to keep the note chain going from beginning to end.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, Geminose makes the most out of the Switch's motion controls. Not just when you're pretending to play saccharine pop songs, but also when you're decorating each animal's room and playing the different mini-games. When you're not rocking out with the band, you'll be making food based on popular dishes from around the world. This means that you'll need to wiggle and waggle the Joy-Cons to flip dough, mix ingredients, use the oven and decorate cakes.

Another mini-game will have you moving the cursor around the screen trying to collect musical notes in the clouds. There's also a Fruit Ninja parody where you hack and slash muffins and other baked goods as they fly through the air. If that's too challenging for you, then perhaps the cake detective game will be more your speed. This is a mode where you use a magnifying glass to identify the hidden objects in the bakery, something so easy that it actually comes off as a little insulting.

The rest of the game focuses on the fashion and design elements, which ends up being a big part of Geminose. You'll need to style each animal to their liking, as well as re-decorate the different bedrooms found in the popstar mansion, a massive building the band inexplicably decides to buy when they only have a couple dozen fans and not a single hit song to their name. It's the kind of fairytale popstar life that only makes sense in a young child's imagination. If you're looking for the road band struggle of playing dive bars, cover songs and getting screwed over by a major label, then you should probably stick with Rock Band 4.

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From a musical perspective, I'll give Geminose credit for coming up with a bunch of original songs. None of the tracks found in this game are going to break the top 40 any time soon, but they are all upbeat and inspirational in that kids' show sort of way. We get songs telling you to "keep your eye on the prize," "may all your dreams come true," "be who you want to be," "I am your friend, I am your sister," and "nothing matters when we get together." There are very few songs about the music or dancing, because pretty much every pop hit found in this game comes with some sort of empowering message.

Because this is aimed squarely at children, you occasionally see the attempts to be somewhat educational. You see that in the different kinds of dishes we cook up in the kitchen or the world music we're very briefly introduced to when we meet each new character. Of course, none of that influence ends up changing the sound or style of the music, which is decidedly pop. It's almost as if the game is making the point that no matter where you come from or how unique your culture is, the music industry will grind you up and use your talents to make more generic pop songs. I'm not sure that's the point the developers were trying to make, but it's certainly the most truthful part of Geminose.

Just about the only time the game bothers with the world music is when you're forced to take part in a mash-up. This is what I like to call a Geminose speedbump. It's this reward you get after completing just about every level that has you spinning a giant wheel to mash-up two different styles of music. Sounds intriguing, right? Well, it's not. It's this time-consuming cinema where you hear the same songs repeated over and over again as we create these weird mashed-up animals. It's fine the first few times, but you'll watch the same cinema dozens of times, with no way to speed it up or skip it entirely. It's always the same song and the same dance, which is just one of the reasons why I started to loathe spinning that wheel. I can respect them wanting to introduce kids to South African Sbujwa and Spanish Flamenco, but it would have been better to hear those elements come through in the actual songs.

Look, I get it, Geminose is not aimed at me. This is a game designed with pre-teen children in mind, and I am a full-grown man. If you have a young child who loves cute animals and annoying pop songs, then they may have a lot of fun waving their arms around to the music and preparing the different meals. The rhythm game bits are fun for what they are and most of the rest of the mini-games are inoffensive on their own. The problem is that the game is too easy and incredibly boring. You have to go out of your way to screw up one of the mini-games, which makes the entire experience feel slow and plodding. I probably could have played through the entire game in one sitting, but I kept getting too bored after only a few levels.

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And it's not just the repetition that ruins the fun, but also terrible motion controls. The few times I would miss a note while playing a gig, it was always because the Joy-Con didn't register my movement. The inconsistent motion control also makes the cooking sections needlessly frustrating, since it's not always clear what you're supposed to be doing. And then there's the Fruit Ninja rip-off with cupcakes. All you need to do is swipe left, right, up and down, but you'll constantly miss pastries because the motion controls in the Joy-Con simply aren't up for the task.

Also, just as a side note, I found that Geminose was frustratingly unstable. In my rise to super-stardom, I had the game crash on me a total of seven times. That's seven times in only a matter of hours. I suppose the good news is that you don't lose any progress when the game suddenly shuts off, but it's still annoying and needs to be fixed. On the other hand, I would probably take the game crashing a few more times over watching another one of those mash-ups. I never want to see those damn animals dance ever again.

If you grew up playing the Nintendo Entertainment System, PlayStation, GameCube or even the Xbox 360, then you're way too old to enjoy Geminose: Animal Popstars. With the endlessly cheery music, empowering message, simplistic mini-games and emphasis on dress-up and decoration, this is only for the younger set. But even if your kid loves cute animals and generic pop songs, they'll ultimately grow bored of the easy difficulty and constant crashes. If you're trying to introduce your kid to world music, then maybe it's worth doing so with gem-nosed animals. Everybody else should skip their world tour.