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Commercial Break
Supreme Court of Bad Advertising
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on July 30, 2010   |   Episode 52 (Show Archive)  

   
Join us on our continuing mission to seek out and expose the worst video game advertising of all time. Over the past twenty years we've witnessed a lot of terrible advertising, and it's our job to point it out and let you know what we really think! Nobody is safe when you tune into another episode of Commercial Break, your best resource for the worst video game advertising you ever will see!
Win! Mortal Kombat 3.5: The Ultimate
In the past 50 episodes of Commercial Break we have seen a number of embarrassing advertisements. We've seen poor lighting problems and spelling errors. We've laughed at games with obviously doctored screenshots and stolen catch-phrases. It feels like we've seen it all. But even after four years of episodes, I've never seen an advertisement as misinformed as This Treasure Cove Corporation spot for Mortal Kombat 3.5: The Ultimate.

Yes, you read the correctly. This is the one (and only) commercial for Mortal Kombat 3.5: The Ultimate, a game that doesn't actually exist. But hey, you can win it. That has to count for something, right? And if this commercial is to be believed, Mortal Kombat 3.5: The Ultimate features "NEW characters, NEW scenes & backgrounds, NEW secret codes." You may want to grab a towel or something, because this is about to get bloody.

Obviously there is no such thing as Mortal Kombat 3.5: The Ultimate. I know this because I'm old enough to remember Mortal Kombat and have access to the internet. Oh, and because the picture of the arcade cabinet in the actual advertisement clearly reads: "Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3." That's right; it says the correct name IN THE COMMERCIAL! There's no excuse for them to get the name wrong when the logo is literally part of the design. And those glowing screenshots? Not only are they some of the worst I've ever seen, but they appear to be from the not-so-ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. I don't care how many "NEW scenes" they give me, I'm not going to send money to an organization that can't even get the name right. Fatality!

MRC: Multi-Racing Championship (Ocean)
I have no idea if MRC: Multi-Racing Championship is any good. I have no evidence to prove it "blurs more than just the scenery," or whether or not it "blurs the lines between gaming and reality." These seem like heavily inflated claims, but there's no reason for me to doubt the people behind Shaq Fu and Mr. Nutz. What I do know is that the Nintendo 64 has a terrible controller and having it take the place of a car's steering wheel is pure lunacy.

I know it seems obvious, but this ad has left me no choice. For one thing, the control is clownishly small when compared to a real steering wheel. It also doesn't rotate, so you'll need to crouch down and use the analog stick while somehow paying attention to the road. Think the Nintendo 64 control is hard to use now? Just wait until you have to curve your arms in natural positions just to make those tough corners.

Of course, you and I both know this isn't a real car. It's painfully obvious that none of this is real, and not just because there's a Nintendo 64 control in place of a steering wheel. None of these gauges, panels or windows looks realistic -- they're clearly the work of an arts and crafts day at the local elementary school. This isn't a dashboard -- it's a piece of wood with painted bottle caps glued to the side. And you're not on a real road -- that's just a mat painting. The only way you would confuse this picture with a real car is if you're quickly flipping through the magazine and standing a yard away. The whole thing is lazy, which may explain why I've never heard of Multi-Racing Championship.

The Art of Fly Fishing: Volume 1 (Philips)
You know what The Art of Fly Fishing should have been? A humungous painting that illustrates why you should never use your computer in the middle of a lake. Perhaps one of the corners could be the hazards of mixing electronics with liquids, fittingly created using water colors. But apparently Philips isn't worried that some impressionable young fly fisherman is going to throw their computer in their favorite watering hole. Ah well, maybe that incredibly useful painting will show up in time for The Art of Fly Fishing: Volume 2.

But let's say you're the kind of person who actually wants to throw their computer in the lake. Do you know how hard it is to get your computer to float? You're going to need to gut that thing, much like you would the fish you catch. And don't even think about adding that heavy monitor to your load, that's just going to make it sink like a rock. You may have luck floating the keyboard and mouse, but the lack of a table is going to make everything else go underwater in a hurry.

Even if you could float all of these components, you still wouldn't have anything to plug the computer into. It's no wonder this poor guy has fish flying out of his screen -- it's not like it's good for anything else when left unplugged. What's sad is that he has a whole lake to do this for real, but he chooses to ruin his computer and pretend to fish for our amusement. Well, I'm not laughing! And I don't care how often you say it "Kicks Bass," either. I prefer my bass without bruise marks, thank you very much.

The Video Game Control Glove
Hey look everybody; It's the Video Game Control Glove. That's right; it's the Video Game Control Glove. Yup, we're going to talk about The Video Game Control Glove. Drat, I was hoping that if I kept repeating its name I wouldn't have to actually talk about "the most innovative product on the market." This is a control that lets you play all of the PlayStation games with one hand. You need only one hand to play all of these games. You use your thumb to hit the D-pad and your fingers to hit the seven face buttons. But wait, it doesn't work with Ape Escape or a whole host of other analog-enabled games. I guess what this advertisement really meant was that it's "100% compatible with PlayStation games released between 1995 and 1996."

But hold the phone; did I just say this was "the most innovative product on the market"? Look at that, I did. Apparently that's something PSExtreme said. Really? The one-handed control is the most innovative video game product of that era? Not online gaming or analog controls? CD and DVD technology doesn't even get a mention? Who cares about any of that when you can have a one-handed control. Of course, as long time readers of Defunct Games already know, this is hardly the first time we've seen a one-handed control. Perhaps the Video Game Control Glove should meet the Ascii Grip and the Game Handler

And to make matters worse, it doesn't even have a cool name. The Video Game Control Glove? That's about ten words too long. Take it from Galoob -- your glove name needs to be short and snappy. It needs to convey that power is rushing through your hands because of this glove. It's a ... oh wait, I know ... a POWER GLOVE. Okay, so Power Glove has already been taken, but at least you can try. Why not The Game Squeeze? Or maybe PlayStation Poseable? Or even the SingleShock? Perhaps they should have been realistic and called it That Thing You Won't Use.
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