Can you survive An Unholy Return: The 31 Games of Halloween?
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One Day With a 2D Brawler
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on April 14, 2010   |   Episode 97 (Show Archive)  


If this article doesn't convince you to download Final Fight: Double Impact, nothing will!
Before Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, 2D side-scrolling brawlers were all the rage. Some of the world's biggest companies mashed the buttons as fast as they could to develop games like Final Fight, Streets of Rage, Double Dragon, Battletoads and Tuff E Nuff. These games were not only huge arcade hits, but also helped launch some of the most successful game consoles of all time. Gamers couldn't get enough of walking from left to right punching and kicking their way through some of the city's roughest neighborhoods.

These days the classic brawler isn't as sought after. We're used to seeing 3D brawlers (The Warriors), but outside of remakes and the occasional homage (Castle Crashers), this style of brawler is completely out of date. Perhaps that's because it's hard to relate to a character in a classic brawler. After all, the stories are paper thin and all you're doing is kicking people in the face.

It is my opinion that if we got to know more about the average character in a 2D brawler we may be more willing to buy these games in the store. So, in hopes that we can resurrect this once-great franchise once and for all, I'm hoping that you'll join us as we spend one day with a 2D brawler. It's a minute by minute account of what happens in your average beat-em-up. We braved the tough streets to document

Back when everybody was happy ... and Haggar looked like the Toxic Avenger!
the violent acts so that you will have a better understanding of what it's like to be one of these games. Imagine if you were in their shoes. Well, now you can as we show you the gooey underbelly of life on the streets.

8:00 A.M. - I wake up at eight in the morning, like I always do. It's a habit, no matter what I've been doing the night before; I always seem to wake up at eight in the morning. I guess it's how my brain works. After getting out of bed I double check the 20XX calendar that my stripper girlfriend bought for me at the brand new Calendar City location, located kitty corner from Mike's Machetes and Scented Candles. Sometimes I wish that she would have been more specific about the year, but I guess her thinking was that this 20XX calendar would hold me

Shouldn't Haggar have his secret service people take care of this kidnapping? Of all the options available, just beating up a bunch of people seems low on the list!
for almost a hundred years. I see her logic, but I'm not sure I want to see the same group of dogs in the same group of adorable poses for the next hundred years. I need a shower.

8:15 A.M. - After getting out of the shower I notice that my stripper girlfriend is nowhere to be found. She should be here, I mean she works at night and usually gets in pretty late. I immediately think the worst: She's clearly been taken by a group called the Mad Gear and I need to do something about it. I'm seething with anger; I can barely contain my hostility. I know that there's only one thing I can do, I need to put my clothes on and start beating up random people until somebody tells me where she is. Even though I have secretly started to grow tired of her constant whining and nagging, I know that I would hate to lose her. I must get her back, even though I can't think of her name right now.

8:45 A.M. - After spending the last half hour trying to think up her name, I have decided to give her father a call. I know he's busy; he's an ex-bodybuilder who somehow got himself elected as Mayor of Metro City. How does that work? Who voted for this guy? I can understand becoming an ex-bodybuilder town selectman or something, you can usually win those because nobody is running against you, but Mayor? It's not like he's qualified, when asked what he was

Hey, I didn't know that Haggar's TV got the torture porn channel!
going to do about city taxes his only reply was, "BEAT THEM UP!!!" Seriously, that's also how he answered questions about the garbage dump, water works and keeping kids in school. Heck, I'm pretty sure his entire slogan was "VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL BEAT YOU UP!!!" On second thought, I guess maybe that had something to do with him getting elected.

9:00 A.M. - Okay, I just got off the phone with my stripper girlfriend's dad, who is ready to put down everything he's been working on (something about a bank bailout that doesn't sound at all important or interesting) and join me in this fight to save his stripper daughter. I told him that I'll be there in a moment, but first I need to call a few of her friends and make sure she didn't just spend the night elsewhere. I mean, wouldn't it be stupid of us to beat up half of the city only to learn that she spent the night with Candy. My therapist tells me that sometimes I over react and start taking out my anger on people that don't deserve it. I really should change that, but there's no time for that now because I need to call up her friends.


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