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Every Game This Year is Going to Suck!
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on January 07, 2009   |   Episode 88 (Show Archive)  

   

In case you haven't noticed, 2008 is over and done with. We've had our fill of Fable II, Grand Theft Auto IV and Little Big Planet. We've been to a post apocalyptic Washington, D.C. and survived the Extreme Conditions of

I'm begging you Capcom, no more Lost Planet games!
Lost Planet ... again. We've done just about everything we could have done, so it's time to move on and start looking forward. Unfortunately it's hard not to be a little depressed about our future. It's not just the stock market woes and our rising unemployment; it's also the slim pickings we have to look forward to this year. Let's face it, every game this year is going to suck!

Don't believe me? That's okay, I came prepared with a couple dozen 2009 games and why they are going to suck. Keep in mind, some of these games may end up being good ... but I want to be the first person to tell you what could go wrong, that way I can dance around and sing out that "I told you so" over and over. So here are a bunch of negative comments about all of those games you can't wait to get your hands on. Hope this article will make you think twice when you decide to reserve the next potential triple-A title!


What the hell is Ken Levine doing with a gun?
Alan Wake (X360) - Secretly Alan Wake is the game of the year (if not this generation), but it's going to suck because there's no chance in hell that this long-awaited Xbox 360 horror game will hit shelves this year. Instead we'll have to endure yet another E3 where we all expect to hear about Alan Wake, but Microsoft refuses to comment. It's especially going to suck as you realize that this is going to be yet another year down, putting one of the most exciting horror games in the same league as Duke Nukem Forever.

Batman: Arkham Asylum (360/PS3) - The best Batman game of all time is Ubisoft's Assassin's Creed, which isn't even as good as it should have been. All joking aside, Batman has never been a real strong video game character. Oh sure, we get a few of

Maybe it's just me, but the art direction in the new Batman game is a little off!
those wonderful toys, but most Batman games are reduced to nothing more than basic melee attacks and bad voice acting. Last year's Lego Batman didn't exactly dispel the cliches about Batman games. Considering how bad most Batman games are, I wouldn't put a lot of stock in this Electronic Arts' produced action game.

BioShock 2: Sea of Dreams (360/PS3) - The brilliance of the original BioShock is that it is completely self-contained. That is, the game explains every pertinent question, resolves all of the mysteries and manages to capture a feeling of just about every area of this new world. And it managed to do it in a way that was fresh, original and exciting. There's no reason for a sequel. We

After Activision saw this Ghostbusters level they decided to get rid of the game!
already know everything worth knowing about the origins of Rapture. And if this continues where the last game left off, then how exactly do you explain the game's two endings? Do we really need to revisit Rapture? And why should I care when the original BioShock team is off making an even bigger and better game?

Ghostbusters (360/PS3) - Sure Ghostbusters is getting a lot of hype, but is that because we honestly think it's going to be good or we desperately want it to be good? I have a hunch it's the latter, especially since the Ghostbusters hold such wonderful memories for many of us. But let's not forget that this is a game based on a licensed product. While it's not a movie-based game, it's still in the same arena, and frankly there haven't been a whole heck of a lot of

There are almost an endless amount of Guitar Hero pictures on the internet, most of them involve people posing with the fake plastic guitar!
great movie-inspired games. Oh, and Activision didn't want it. Activision is the largest video game company in the world; they definitely know a thing or two about selling games. But they didn't want it, leaving Atari to scoop it up. Perhaps that's a bad sign.

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (DS) - Oh Rockstar Games, you can try to fool me but I'm not going to buy into your hype. See, I have experience with portable Grand Theft Auto games. I've come to realize that when it's on a Sony handheld (such as Liberty City Stories and Vice City Stories) it's pure gold, a stunning masterpiece that moves units. However, when the series is on a Nintendo handheld it's often watered down and no fun to play. Need proof? Go back and play the two Grand Theft Auto games on the Game Boy Advance and Game Boy Color. On second thought, don't. Chinatown Wars may be bigger than Vice City Stories, but if it's a pain to control will anybody care?

Guitar Hero: Modern Hits (DS) - Unless Activision was able to drastically change the design of the guitar grip, I have a hunch that this third (and hopefully final) Guitar Hero DS game will cramp up my hand and continue to not feel like a real guitar. Worst of all, the prospect of having nothing but "modern hits" scares me to death. Maybe it's just me, but I haven't been a big fan of the brand new bands, especially as they experiment in emo and other weird sub-genres. I can't imagine being very excited at a whole game full of All American Rejects and Good Charlotte.
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