Can you survive An Unholy Return: The 31 Games of Halloween?
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Choosing the Right Murder Simulator for You
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on April 25, 2008   |   Episode 81 (Show Archive)  


Tara Reid (Pictured) practices playing Manhunt 2 in order to kill all of her Hollywood competition!
So you're thinking about taking out your frustration on the world around you. You're sick and tired of being picked on and just want to show everybody that you are in control, even if that means killing a bunch of innocent people along the way. Well, don't do it. You heard me, if you're at the end of your rope and feel like you're going to snap then maybe you should do something else ... like go to a movie, have a spa day or overdose on some drugs with your friends. The last thing this world needs is another killer to deal with, especially since it paints us gamers in a bad light.

But let's say you really wanted to know how to kill people and you don't feel like enlisting in the army. Let's say you only have the budget to buy one game, a game that will hone your skills for the day you eventually go crazy. Then perhaps you should do what the anti-game groups warn people against - learning how to kill people by playing some of today's most popular video games. So what "murder simulator" (Jack Thompson's words, not mine) is best for you? What is the one game that you should buy if you plan on doing the unthinkable? Find out now when we take a look at our most recent buyer's guide, your helpful guide to Choosing the Right Murder Simulator For You!

Grand Theft Auto
[ Rockstar Games | From: 1997 - Current ]

You can buy as many weapons as you want in Grand Theft Auto, but the controls are going to keep you from killing anybody with them!
What Is It? Grand Theft Auto is the mega-selling action/adventure series from New York-based Rockstar Games. Ever since its launch in 1997, Grand Theft Auto has sold more than 40 million units, making it one of the best selling games in recent history. Grand Theft Auto also spawned a new sub-genre of sandbox games, titles that involve you going anywhere and doing anything. It's also worth mentioning that the newest entry in the series, Grand Theft Auto IV, comes out in just over three days ... so chances are you're going to be hearing a lot about this violent little action game.

What It Teaches: If Grand Theft Auto teaches us anything it's that killing people is really, really hard. Part of the problem is the aiming control, which has gotten better over the years but will never be considered realistic by any means. In some of the Grand Theft Auto games you

Grand Theft Auto IV comes out in three days ... so don't worry, you still have plenty of time to read this stupid article!
can literally shoot people behind you without even turning your head, it's this kind of crummy control that fans of the series have had to overlook since day one. If you're going to learn anything from Grand Theft Auto it's that sometimes it's easier to just put the gun away and run people over. The nice thing about Grand Theft Auto is that you can hit innocent pedestrian after innocent pedestrian and never worry about what it's doing to the hood of your car. Getting out of your car can be risky, so it's best if you just mow a bunch of people down and then run for the hills (or whatever safe hiding spot you can think of).

Is This The Murder Simulator For You? Are you the kind of mass murderer that wants to be known as the guy that ran over a bunch of Sunday shoppers? Of course not, you would rather be the kind of guy who busts into a local mall or takes out a bunch of people on a basketball court. That's that kind of jerk you are, and that's exactly why Grand Theft Auto III is not the murder simulator for you. Even if your grand idea is to run a bunch of people over, Grand Theft Auto completely ignores the damage it will do to your car and windshield. Take it from me; Grand Theft Auto is not the murder simulator for you.

[ Id Software | From: 1992 - Current ]

Sure this picture is cool, but in the actual game there is no way for your hero to aim up!
What Is It? It's a lot like Doom except ... well, it IS Doom. Before anybody coined the phrase "Doom-clone" Id Software decided to develop this revolutionary first-person shooter. Originally released in 1993, Doom quickly became one of the biggest success stories of all time, eventually being ported to every console that could support it (and a few that couldn't). These days Doom is best known as the scapegoat politicians and anti-game activists use when they need to blame a video game. While Grand Theft Auto is quickly becoming the go-to game for the Hillary Clinton's of the world, Doom still pops up every few months.

What It Teaches: Doom teaches us two very important lessons: It sucks to be stuck in Hell and, more importantly, looking up and

Even without having tasted this disgusting looking breakfast cereal I'm ready to say that it's better than Doom 3!
down is completely overrated. When you're packing a gun there's no reason to aim your firearm anywhere but directly in front of you, which is to say that you're always going to need to line yourself up with the people you shoot at. On the flipside, Doom teaches the wannabe victims that there's an easy way to avoid getting killed - lay down on the floor. If the Doom player can't aim up or down, then he's not going to be able to shoot somebody when they are lying on the floor. It's that simple. Of course, that's not very realistic, which is why this 15 year old game may not be the world's greatest murder simulator. But despite that, it seems like every few months somebody blames something on this archaic action game. Surely there are better murder simulators than this.

Is This The Murder Simulator For You? Are you thinking about taking out a mall or building with multiple stories? Do you think you're probably going to need to aim your gun up to take out some of the guys on your list? If you answered yes to either of those questions then Doom is not the murder simulator for you. Perhaps you should try Quake, it may look silly with its simplistic polygons and weird castle environments, but at least you can aim your gun up and down. If being able to aim your gun is important to you then you should avoid practicing your rampage with Doom.

[ Bungie Software | From: 2001 - Current ]

What isn't shown are the homophic/racist enemies that are threatening the world as we know it!
What Is It? Halo 3 was the biggest game of 2007 ... unless you count Activision's Call of Duty 4. Every day millions of gamers from across the world log in and try to slay as many enemies as they can, capture a bunch of flags and cause wanton death and destruction. Not that this should shock you, this is exactly the same thing people did with Halo 2 in 2004 and the original Halo in 2001. While it's not the only competitive first-person shooter on the market, Halo has proven to be one of the most widely recognized titles available today.

What It Teaches: Halo 3 (just like Halo 2) teaches us that a lot of the people you are trying to kill are racist, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-Semitic. In other words, nobody is going to miss them when you pull the trigger. Unfortunately Halo 3 also proves that it takes a lot of bullets to actually kill somebody. Depending on the type of gun you are using, a kill in Halo 3 could take as many as 30 to 40 bullets. And to

Just where does Master Chief keep all of those bullets anyway?
make matters worse, just when you think you've heard the last racist joke and four-letter word, the guy comes back to life and wants sweet, sweet revenge. So, if you're keep track, Halo 3 teaches you to make anti-Semitic comments when you see somebody coming at you with a gun, that you'll need a lot of bullets and that the dead always come back to life. In other word, Halo 3 would be a perfect place for Mel Gibson's zombified corpse.

Is This The Murder Simulator For You? We live in a world where all it takes is one or two well placed bullets to take somebody down, you don't have the time (or money) to pack hundreds of bullets just in case you have to deal with a foul-mouthed punk who can get shot 30 times before dying. Halo 3 may be a lot of fun, but it's certainly not realistic enough to warrant you using it as a real-life murder simulator. You're better off finding a game where you don't have to unload an entire clip on your target. Oh, and don't expect your real life victims to be nearly as homophobic and racist, people tend to act a little differently when you have a real gun locked on their noggin.

Mortal Kombat
[ Midway Games | From: 1992 - Current ]

Join Sub-Zero and the rest of the Mortal Kombat cast as they take on Superman and Batman in MK vs. DC (no really)!
What Is It? At its release in 1992, Mortal Kombat was considered to be a more violent version of Street Fighter II. Mortal Kombat didn't just have memorable characters using martial arts to KO their opponents, they went one step further and actually turned this competition into a fight to the death. The average Mortal Kombat match would involve gallons of blood flying to the floor (and then disappearing), as well as gruesome moments where our hero actually ripped body parts off his opponent. In other words, this was exactly what every 15 year old fighting game fan had been waiting for!

What It Teaches: Mortal Kombat teaches us that you don't need to be a first-person shooter to be blamed for real life violence. All you need to do is learn a form of martial arts, create a hat made entirely out of razor blades, and then have no remorse when you "accidentally" cut somebody in half with said hat. But that's not the only thing we've learned from Mortal Kombat. If you really want to get specific about Mortal Kombat's teachings, then you're going to have to acknowledge that in order to pull off your savage killing spree

You won't be seeing this kind of brutality in Mortal Kombat vs. DC!
you're going to need to learn magic. It's not just throwing fireballs or being able to teleport, it's the importance of being able to freeze people in mid-air and hook them with a large spear that seems to come out of your hands (Spider-Man-style). And that's not the only thing we've learned from this series, we also now know that if you're going to kill your opponent in an especially gruesome fashion (ripping their head off, cutting them in half, etc.) then the clouds are going to have to get dark and you're going to have to wait until some old guy standing in the background gives you the okay to "finish him."

Is This The Murder Simulator For You? Unless you're only trying to go after one or two people, Mortal Kombat's teachings are going to take far too long to master to make them practical. That's not to say you can't learn a few things from non-stop game playing, but effectively killing a bunch of people will probably not be one of them. The biggest problem with using Mortal Kombat as a murder simulator is that it relies too heavily on magic, something that just doesn't work consistently when you're trying to kill a bunch of people in a short amount of time. I can understand the desire to have a non-FPS murder simulator, but Mortal Kombat is probably not the game for you.

Gears of War
[ Epic Games | From: 2006 - Current ]

Sure chainsaws are cool, but they are loud and take a lot of energy to kill people with. You're better of just using a gun!
What Is It? Widely considered the first "must-own" Xbox 360 release, Gears of War was the placeholder until Halo 3 hit the scene. In this game you play Marcos Phoenix, a giant of a man who is sprung from jail in order to fight off an alien attack. Generic plot aside, the real reason everybody loved this game was because of its amazing graphics and the in-your-face brutality. There was also a healthy online community that kept this title alive and kicking long after everybody had finished the four hour long story mode.

What It Teaches: Gears of War, above all else, proves that chainsaws are a lot of fun. While most people use chainsaws to cut down trees or prune their hedges, Gears of War gave the psychotic murderers a new idea for how to literally cut their problems in half. But that's not the only fun fact we gleaned from Gears of War. We also learned that it's incredibly difficult to run with a chainsaw. Not only are they a little

Maybe it's just me, but I would be afraid of tripping on something and accidentally cutting my own head off!
awkward, but they are often heavy and not the easiest weapon to just have at the ready. We also learned that if you're going to chase somebody around with a chainsaw then you should probably make sure that you both are stuck in a small environment and the other person doesn't have exploding arrows.

Is This The Murder Simulator For You? Do you really want to be known as the Chainsaw Killer? Of course you don't, and that's why Gears of War is probably not the best murder simulator for you. For one thing chainsaws are really loud; you can hear them coming miles away. And it's not one of those soothing sounds that piques your interest before it's too late, a chainsaw has a distinctive sound that should send fear into the hearts of everybody nearby. But it's not just fear, it's also the fact that your victims will be able to run away whenever you get close. Chainsaws are notoriously bad as long distance weapons, so in order to actually cut one of your victims in half you're going to need to get up real close to them. But, as we've already demonstrated, it's pretty obvious when somebody is coming at you with a chainsaw. Unless you're trying to cut your way through a large audience at a concert (where you wouldn't be able to take a chainsaw), you're probably going to use another game for your murder simulation needs.



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