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The ABC's of Grand Theft Auto III
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on February 27, 2002   |   Episode 13 (Show Archive)  

   
For more than six months gamers have been rampaging around Liberty City on the PlayStation 2, but it was only recently Grand Theft Auto 3 was released on the PC. Feel there's too much learning involved with getting into this game? Feel you just don't "get it"? Well, I have a list for you . we take a look at the ABC's of Grand Theft Auto 3. We'll tell you what you should know, what you're missing, and some other random facts. And while this won't help you play Grand Theft Auto 3 . it may give you something to look for. And for people who still can't get enough Grand Theft Auto 3 coverage, you should direct your attention to Top Ten Reasons Grand Theft Auto 3 is Better than Metal Gear Solid 2. And if that doesn't give you that special feeling, don't forget about the Grand Theft Auto 3 Pop-Up Videogame. And if that's still not enough, we have a Freeze Frame for you, it's the Grand Theft Auto 3 on the T.V. article, and it's about the newest thing you will find ... before Vice City, that is. -Cyril Lachel <> <> <> A * ASUKA Even though she's played by Liana Pai, Asuka looks amazingly like Maura Tierney, From ER and NewsRadio. No really, she does ... check out our freeze frame! B * BELLY-UP MACKEREL Their ads claim that their fish is the "finest 100% artificial Mackerel!" Why would you want this? Simple: "More Fish, Less Klipper!" C * CAPITAL AUTOS Push, pull, or drive your car to Capital Autos to get the best deal on a brand new car: FREE! Just break into the showroom and steal one hell of a cool car. D * DODONo, not the bird, but rather the extremely clumsy (and totally awkward) airplane you get to pilot in this game. Some people claim they have flown everywhere with the Dodo, I call them liars. E * EIGHTBALL Not only does he load your car up with explosives, but he also works very hard at his own auto yard. His location might be off the beaten track, but what he has you need. F * FERNANDO'S NEW BEGINNING Is your marriage in trouble? Have you thought about having sex with other women? Well, that's the basic idea behind one of Chatterbox's funniest commercial parodies! G * GHOST TOWNYou bet there's a secret section to Grand Theft Auto 3, and it's called (well, it's been called) Ghost Town!! If you remember the beginning of the game, you'll remember some of this super secret area. H * HEAD RADIOIf there's one thing Liberty City has a lot of, it's criminals. If there's another thing, though, it's radio stations. You could listen to K-Jah, Game FM, or even MSX FM, but Head Radio is Liberty Cities most promoted. It has a pretty cool name, too. I * IDAHO One of the ugliest cars in Liberty City, and that's saying something, Liberty City is filled with ugly cars. But if you get in this car, you might as well just get back out. J * JUMPS Grand Theft Auto isn't just about stealing cars . it's about jumping them in the most dynamic way, also!! Some of these jumps are both impressive and daring . and many of them end with total carnage to the car. K * KYLE MACLAUCHAN This is just one of the many wonderful celebrities that took part in Grand Theft Auto 3. He's also remembered (by me at least) as Special Agent Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks . and should be ignored in Showgirls. L * LAZLOWThe voice of Chatterbox can be summed up in a word: Lazlow. This smart mouthed, sarcastic radio host is single handedly able to make the audio among the highlights of this game. His dialogue is some of my favorite. M * MAIBATSU MONSTROSITYAre you a small person? Then why drive a small car?? This huge ass SUV not only goes anywhere, but also gets terrible, terrible gas mileage! Oh, and did I mention that it's polluting the Earth . well, Liberty City, and I guess that doesn't matter. N * NON PIU ANDAI FARFALLONE AMOROSO Just one of the many, many fantastic songs on the Double Cleff FM radio station. If you think Opera is just fat women yelling, then you should pay a little more attention to this station. This beautiful song is from Mozart, you've heard of him, right?? O * O'DONOVAN So how do you become the Mayor of Liberty City?? Do you run on the NRA-ticket or the Militia-ticket? Do you take power by political coup d'etat? Sounds like a stressful job to me. P * POGO THE MONKEY Have you met the worlds newest videogame character? He's not just a monkey, he's a monkey with springs for legs!! You can check out his website for all the information. Q * QUALITY SCRAPINGS FROM THE ABATTOIR FLOORThe slogan to Bitch 'N' Dog Food, and one of the most graphic descriptions of anything edible I've ever seen. Here are more descriptive words: "bonemeal" and "chicken carcasses". Mmmm mmm mmm. R * RUSH Several of the songs featured in GAME FM's repertoire are credited to Rush. In other related GAME FM news Reef let them use an instrumental version of their hit Scary Movie. S * SCARFACEDozens and dozens and dozens of Scarface references litter Liberty City. And to have songs from the movie featured on some of the radio stations just brings back flashbacks. T * TURTLE HEAD FISHING CO.Turtle Head actually appears a few times throughout the game, including a couple of jobs that require you to infiltrate it's caged exterior. It's one of the many companies that exist within Liberty City. U * UPTOWN YARDIESThe uptown Yardies are a gang of renegade, raggae listening, dreadlock wearing, pot smoking thugs. They also feature the best gang colors and insignia. Oh, and don't let me forget about the voodoo charms. V * VANSVans, SUVs, and other utility vehicles will aid you throughout the game. And if you find the right van you may be running an R/C car into cars to make nice explosions. That's right, vans are good. W * WORLDS OLDEST PROFESSIONEven though the world's oldest profession is actually Witch Doctor, we won't hold that against the creators of GTA 3. If you're low on life, or just need some action, you can pick up and have sex with numerous prostitutes . and then steal your money back. >X * XXX THEATEROr if having sex with a prostitute isn't your thing, there are a few XXX theaters you can go to. You can't actually attend a showing, but I'll let you insert your own Pee Wee Herman joke here. Y * YAKUZA You just have to love thugs that like to gamble. I mean, look at Casino, or, well, look at Casino. The Yakuza gang likes to gamble and dress well. VERY well. They drive nice cars, too. Z * ZERO STARS If you have Zero stars then chances are pretty good the cops haven't seen you cause crimes. Perhaps you should stop reading this list and start creating some havoc and total carnage!!
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