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Video Game Advice (Working Title)
Agent 47, Edward Carnby and Bowser Answer Your Questions
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on March 09, 2009   |   Episode 7 (Show Archive)  

   
Have you ever had a personal question and didn't know who to turn to? Then you've come to the right place, because Video Game Advice is the only show on the internet where classic game characters have a chance to answer real world questions. From finances to relationship advice, our list of video game characters is standing by to help solve your problem.

Q1: Don't Lie To Your Online Friends!

DEAR EDWARD CARNBY: I am part of a group of people who read our local newspaper online and comment on the news of the day in the public forums provided. It's great fun and offers an excellent place to interact with others.

Some of us have become close, exchanging e-mails and chat messages. One of the women has suggested we all get together at a local watering hole and meet each other, and the gang has agreed.

I would love to join in, but the problem is that the persona I built online is that of a hunky, handsome young man -- including a pilfered photo I posted as "me" on my profile. Needless to say, he is NOT me. I am a 54-year-old, chubby, graying man who wears glasses.

I would love to meet these people, but I'm embarrassed about the lies I have told them. Some of the women have flirted with me, thinking I am this sexy guy. How can I fix this so we can all be friends? I am afraid they'll be angry at my ruse.
-- ABS OF SPONGE

EDWARD CARNBY
You would know edward from his numerous Alone in the Dark games, including last year's Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 reboots. You may also know him from the Alone in the Dark movie, where he was played by an aging Christian Slater.
DEAR ABS OF SPONGE: Oh Abs, boy do I feel your pain. Trust me, I've been there. In fact, I just dealt with that very same problem last year. See, I too have a secret. I tried my hardest to be something that I'm not, to fool people into liking me. It all started last year when I decided to go back to work and attempt a reboot of the Alone in the Dark
franchise. Unfortunately, seeing as I'm an aging alcoholic, I realized early on that I was going to need a little help to convince people that they should buy this over, say, Resident Evil.

I know it's foolish, but what I decided to do was have somebody else take my place on the box cover. It's true, check out the cover. That's not me on the cover, its some younger dude that looks like a beaten up Ethan Hawk. Of course, the moment people opened up the game they realized that this handsome devil on the front cover isn't the main star; instead it's this aging, over the hill loser who just wants one more shot at fame.

Sadly, this tactic didn't work. And it's not going to work for you, either. What you need to do is ignore those people and go find real friends. You have the luxury of not having to deal with scary monsters, so get out there and find real people that will like you for who you are, not who you want to be. Take it from me, Abs; you don't want to fool people into liking you. They'll end up resenting you and you'll be back at square one. I say work on yourself and show people who you really are, they'll appreciate the honesty. It's better than running your entire career into the ditch because you can't accept your god-given wrinkles.

Q2: Dressed for Success?

DEAR AGENT 47: One of my teachers at school wears jeans and a T-shirt every day. None of the other teachers dresses so casually.

I mentioned it to my mom, and we both think it is unprofessional. Do you agree? If so, should we say something to the principal -- although I would imagine he already knows?
-- TAKEN ABACK, CHEYENNE, WYO.

AGENT 47
Agent 47 is the name of the well-dressed hitman in Eidos' popular Hitman series. Like Edward Carnby, Agent 47 was featured in a major motion picture. Agent 47 is best remembered for having a barcode on the back of his head.
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: As a man who enjoys dressing up and looking good, I feel your pain. There's nothing I like more than getting in an expensive black suit, putting on that tie and looking as stylish as possible
when I go to work. And let me tell you, people notice me. They see my slender build and my model face. They see the clothes and can't help but be impressed with my presence. When I walk past them they think I'm a wealthy business man or a politician, little do they know what I really do. All they know is that I look damn fine, and that's all I want them to know.

But I'm a hitman who gets paid handsomely for my services. My employers expect me to suit up and look like a million dollars; it's just part of the job. But this guy, he's a teacher. He's getting paid next to nothing to teach for a bunch of unruly students. Is he coming to school naked? He is making inappropriate passes at you? Is he drunk and disorderly? If he's just wearing jeans and a regular old tee-shirt, then cut him some slack. He's an individual, the kind of guy who has his own unique style of teaching. I suspect if you give him some time you'll find that he's actually a really good teacher and probably a great guy. But you're probably right; you should try and get him fired so that you can feel good that only well-dressed people are teaching you. After all, that's what's important, right? You certainly wouldn't want to be taught by somebody without style - that would be MADNESS! Maybe you should just sneak up behind him and cap his ass; that seems to work for me.

Q3: Round 3 ... FIGHT!

DEAR BOWSER: I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call "George" for the past 14 months. We have never had an argument or even a disagreement. We both have good jobs, like doing the same things, and we see each other every weekend. Our co-workers and family members have commented that we seem remarkably happy as a couple.

Don't get me wrong. George and I know what we like and dislike in life. We talk about things, have serious discussions and deal with whatever comes our way. But for some reason, my sister insists that by now my boyfriend and I should have had at least one good argument. She thinks it's weird that we haven't, and says we are "trying too hard" to make each other happy. She says George and I are ignoring things that could cause unhappiness.

My sister is younger, married, works full-time and has three kids. I think she may be secretly jealous of our relationship. So I ask you, Bowser, DO all couples have to argue or have disagreements?
-- "MISS BLISS" in N.Y.C.

BOWSER
For more than twenty years Bowser has been the thorn in Mario's side. When he's not kidnapping princesses, he's kart racing, playing soccer, practicing his tennis swing and generally causing a mess around the Mushroom Kingdom.
DEAR MISS BLISS: Thanks for the amazing letter, Miss Bliss. These days it seems like all of the letters seem to be directed to Mario and the Princess, but never Bowser. I know it's stupid and petty, but I really have a lot of good information to give. I think there must be something wrong with my PR guy, I just don't think he has my best interests in mind. So thank you, thank you for sending this to me ... you won't be disappointed.

On the surface your relationship sounds absolutely amazing. You know each other's likes and never fight, which sounds like a good thing. But it's not. I know somebody like that, it's this fat Italian plumber and his Princess girlfriend. To the outside world these two seem to have everything, they love each other, never fight and are always helping each other out. How can that not be the best thing in the world? Simple, because every good relationship needs conflict. Why do you think the Princess keeps running to me? I'm not a violent guy, I don't go looking for trouble from Mario. She just comes racing to me whenever she needs some excitement in her life.

This sucks for me, because I'm constantly getting my heart broken by this heartless bitch. She doesn't care about anybody but herself. Oh sure, Mario comes and saves the day, then they go home and have wild sex. But what about me? I'm only around when the Princess wants to make a point. Pretty soon that's what's going to happen to you. The two of you will become so bored with each other that you'll run to whatever evil creature you can find just for a sign of excitement. Trust me, your sister has the right idea. The couple that fights together stays together. Unless you're like me and my ex. But, you aren't asking about how to deal with a sticky divorce.


(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)

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