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Video Game Advice (Working Title)
Albert Wesker, Error and Lilith Answer Your Questions
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on April 15, 2011   |   Episode 10 (Show Archive)  

   
Have you ever had a personal question and didn't know who to turn to? Then you've come to the right place, because Video Game Advice is the only show on the internet where classic game characters have a chance to answer real world questions. From finances to relationship advice, our list of video game characters is standing by to help solve your problem.

Q1: Are Women Bad Employees?

DEAR ALBERT WESKER: I'm the supervisor of a small office. One of my biggest challenges is scheduling time off for the female employees. In my day, you didn't take a day off unless you were very sick or your child was sick. Now they seem to want time off for everything from school events, sporting events, getting their nails done, their faces waxed or tanning appointments. I am amazed at the decline in work ethic.

As I read about the unemployment in our country, I would think people would be grateful to have a well-paying job with benefits -- but the recession hasn't slowed any of our female employees down one bit. What has happened to the old-fashioned work ethic that founded this country? (Maybe it went south along with the jobs?) And by the way, Albert, I am a female.
TAKES MY JOB SERIOUSLY

ALBERT WESKER
You may know him from the Resident Evil franchise. Although he had a minor role in the original, Wesker has quickly become the antagonist for the series. Not only has he appeared in the most games, but he also has a main role in the popular film franchise.
DEAR TAKES MY JOB SERIOUSLY: Oh Cassandra, what will we do with you? I haven't even met you and I know we're going to get along swimmingly. I feel your pain
and want to do something about it, but everything in due time, my dear. For now let's revel in the incompetence of others.

I too was like you. In fact, I'm sure my underlings would say I'm worse. I didn't take their excuses, I enacted change. You say you want to go to the Metallica concert? No. I didn't allow that. I would look them straight in the eyes and remind them that they have a contract with this company. I own them! As I shoved their tiny bodies into an enclosed 4 x 5 box, I would remind them that this is just a warning. They never change.

These women have really become an inconvenience for me. I recently had this crazy psycho broad track me down and try to kill me. Can you believe that? They actually tried to kill me. They broke into this mansion and she threw me out the window. They accused me of destroying the world. Bah! Every day we get closer to world destruction. I'm not killing the world, I'm saving it. But I had the last laugh. I always have the last laugh!

I've gone to the trouble of doing a background check on you. Based on your age and experience, I feel that you would be a perfect fit working for my company. In fact, I recently found a brand new opening. Untimely death, nobody saw it coming. Don't worry about your husband and children; I'm sure they'll support the relocation. Trust me, I can be extremely persuasive. These kinds of things have a way of working themselves out? What do you say, Cassy?

Q2: At Home and Loving It!

DEAR ERROR: I have been happily married to my husband for 20 years. My problem is my children want me to make friends. My husband is my best friend. I don't feel the need to go on "girls' nights out" or anything else. I'm happy just to be with him.

I'm not anti-social, just content. Besides, I have seen what can happen to relationships when these kinds of outings go too far. I don't want to offend my kids because they have only my best interests at heart, but I'm tired of the pressure. How can I get my adult children to leave my personal life alone and stop trying to get me to make friends?
HAPPY AT HOME

ERROR
Error played a minor role in the 1988 classic, Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES). Error lives in a large one-room house in the Port Town of Mido. The only think we know about Error is that he really, really hates having company.
DEAR HAPPY AT HOME: I am Error. I am but a simple man who lives in the Port City of Mido. It's a nice city, a step up from the dump we used to call home. I live here with my wife. At first when the mailman brought me your letter I didn't know what to think. I'm a simple man without a lot of answers, so I worried I wouldn't be able to help. But as I
read through the night, I could tell that we have a lot in common.

I know what you mean about staying at home. I haven't left this house since we moved, almost five years ago. I haven't even stepped outside. And that's the way I like it. It's comfortable in my house, I can make sure that nothing burns down and nobody breaks in. I can turn the heat all the way up, getting my toes all toasty warm. Sometimes I have a conversation with the television. Wait, no I don't, I don't own a television. Heck, I don't even know what a television is.

I too stay home for my significant other. She tells me that there's no reason to go outside, she'll provide everything this family needs. Every morning she leaves, arming the security system and giving me my daily orders. I'm not to talk to anybody. She has the whole house bugged, so I can't say anything without raising suspicion. That's why I'm writing this letter to you. You need to send help. Do it now. She's holding me captive. She's crazy! She says she'll kill us both if I tell anybody. I don't care who you send, just get somebody here that can save me from this hell. I am Error.

Q3: Buffet or Super Market?

DEAR LILITH: When my wife and I go to a buffet for lunch or dinner, she takes too much food on purpose to take home with her. I say it's wrong because you pay for what you eat, not what you "carry out." She insists that paying means she can take whatever amount she wants.

The last time we went, she actually waited for more chicken to be brought out so she could put three pieces in a napkin before we left. Now she's mad at me because I told her it was wrong. I'll live by what you say, Lilith. What is it?
CRYING "FOWL" IN LAKEWOOD, CALIF.

LILITH
Lilith played "The Siren" in 2009's breakout hit, Borderlands. She's a no-nonsense kind of gal who is believed to be one of the six Sirens, a group of women with unbelievable powers. You don't want to cross this lass.
DEAR CRYING FOWL: I hate to admit it, but this used to happen to me all the time! Back whenI first moved to the Arid Badlands I was constantly going out to dinner with Brick and
Roland. We'd go to some all you can eat buffet place and they would load up their gigantic inventories with fried chicken, fries and anything else they could get their grubby paws on. It was despicable.

Secretly I wanted to do the same thing. I know it's stealing, but life in Borderlands is tough. But I was new in town and only had a few inventory slots open. Everybody else had 42 inventory spots, but I was forced to keep mine full of weapons and armor. But I didn't let this get me down, I learned to live within my means and do the right thing. The truth is I don't even like buffet food. Okay, that's not true. I love it. I love it so much that I ended up doing a bunch of Claptrap missions to build a larger inventory. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I side with your wife. Sorry.


(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)

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