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Video Game Advice (Working Title)
Simon Belmont, Tommy and Bass Answer Your Questions
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on March 19, 2008   |   Episode 1 (Show Archive)  

   
Have you ever had a personal question and didn't know who to turn to? Then you've come to the right place, because Video Game Advice is the only show on the internet where classic game characters have a chance to answer real world questions. From finances to relationship advice, our list of video game characters is standing by to help solve your problem.

Q1: Get Those Things Outta My Face!

DEAR BASS: My son's girlfriend, "Liza," had her breasts enlarged several years ago. Her entire wardrobe now consists of clothing with plunging necklines that expose most of her "assets." Don't get me wrong. I don't expect Liza to wear turtlenecks, just to cover up some.

Whenever there's a family function, there "they" are for all to see. My husband and the siblings (all over 18) have talked about how uncomfortable that makes them. This is not one of those things that you can just turn your head from, especially when Liza is sitting across the table at dinner.

My son doesn't have a problem with it, but I would like to know if there's something you would suggest I could say -- either to her or my son -- to let them know how uncomfortable we are without making it sound like we're attacking her?
-- COVER UP, PLEASE, IN ALABAMA

BASS
You may know him from Dead or Alive, Dead or Alive 2, Dead or Alive 3 and ... well, you get the point. For what it's worth, he was also in the dreadful Dead or Alive movie.
DEAR COVER UP, PLEASE: Cover Up, Please, that's a funny name. Hopefully you won't mind me addressing you as Cover Up. Anyway, I've read your letter and have talked it over with my friends, and I'm afraid there's only one thing to
do in a situation like this. I'm afraid you're going to need to beat the living tar out of this woman. That's right, I'm suggesting that you take your arms and legs and tie her up in a human knot while slamming her face against the gravel road.

Okay, I'll admit, that's a little harsh, but I think it's the kind of thing that just might work. You say that this girl has enormous breasts that she likes to show off. Where I come from those kinds of women tend to like to fight, so it's better you get her before she gets you. Take it from me, I've had to deal with my fair share of tough broads that like to slam my head into the wall while only wearing bikinis and tiny thongs. It sounds like this girl has what it takes to hang out with the rest of the Dead or Alive crew.

Heck, she even has a stupid fighting game name. Her name isn't Lisa, it's the more pretentious Liza. That's the kind of name that can get you far in a Dead or Alive tournament, it's short, easy to say and strangely spelled. But don't forget those enormous breasts, that's half the battle right there. Trust me on this; the girl is just waiting until you two are alone before she starts showing off her kung fu moves. You really need to attack when she's not expecting it ... like right this second.

Q2: In Defense of the Snoopy Neighbor!

DEAR SIMON: When our real estate agent was showing us our house three years ago, the woman who lives next door walked into the back yard where we were standing to introduce herself. After we moved in, she knocked on our door one night carrying dinner for the two of us. It seemed like a neighborly gesture. We responded with a thank-you note. Over the next few days, food would be laid at our door, always with a Post-It note saying, "From Bea." Soon she asked us to take care of her cats and plants while she went out of town for a week. We asked if she would reciprocate when we were away -- she agreed.

After we returned from our trip, a woman I hardly knew came up to me at the market and said, "I LOVE your home! I can't believe you even have contrasting piping on the lining of your drawers!" Apparently, Bea had taken her on a tour of our house in our absence. When I told Bea I didn't appreciate it, she got angry with the woman for telling me! Without asking, she would take her lawn mower and mow people's yards when she felt the grass was too high. Once she tried to encourage me to help her cut back the branches of another neighbor's tree that she felt was overgrown. Her husband says she never feels guilty, only sad at getting caught.

What kind of person am I dealing with, and how can we handle this? Is she crazy?
-- DAVID IN PHOENIX

SIMON BELMONT
You may know him from Castlevania I, II, III and IV, Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. No, I'm just kidding about Smash Bros., but how amazing would that have been?
DEAR DAVID: Okay, I think I'm confused. David, you sound like a perfectly nice guy, but are you trying to tell me that there's something wrong with going into other people's homes when they aren't around? I'm sorry, but I just don't follow your logic on this one, you definitely aren't
living in the same world that I am. I don't care if you never invite me to answer any more questions, as far as I'm concerned David from Phoenix is a dangerous individual.

Let me back up a little bit and make the argument for why people should be able to freely go into other people's houses (not that I should even have to defend such an obvious point). First and foremost, it's smart thinking and a good to keep the neighborhood free of bad guys. Just imagine, if you will, your neighbor's house pops up out of nowhere one day with a big cloud over it. Inside there are thousands of zombies, bats, vampires and other monsters just waiting to get out and spread their disease. Isn't it my job ... no, my duty to get in there and do something about that?

Yet if people like you have your way I wouldn't be able to bust into my neighbor's house and kill the evil that lurks inside. You're what's wrong with this world, you're keeping me from having the freedom to burst into your house and save you from yourself. David, it's not your neighbor that needs help ... it's you!

Q3: Treat Your Ex Like the Poisonous Scumbag They Are!

DEAR TOMMY: Last year, against the advice of my friends and family, I forgave my ex-boyfriend. He swore he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I let him back into my life and let him talk to me about marriage and the future.

Within a few months he was up to his old tricks again, chasing other women, so I had to send him packing.

How do I forgive myself for being so stupid? I believed he loved me, and I am furious with myself for falling for his charm and his lies. My family isn't being very supportive because they didn't want me to reconcile. Please help me.
-- FOOLED ME TWICE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

TOMMY
You may know him from the resurrected version of 3D Realm's Prey. He was not in Prey 2, which appears to have been canceled.
DEAR FOOLED ME TWICE: Okay, so the guy you thought you liked turned into a snake ... just like he did the first time. I guess you probably should have learned from your mistakes the first time around. But no, instead you've decided to write to me and ask me for help? Well, get over it. Life sucks, and the truth is that you shouldn't be so eager to forget about the stupid things your ex-boyfriends did in the past. You really should have known better, Fooled Me Twice.

But really, boo hoo for you. Seriously, there are bigger issues to deal with. My ex-girlfriend? Well, she was sucked up into a big alien spaceship and turned into a giant mutant creature that tried to kill me. Yeah, that sucked ... and it was a hell of a lot worse than
you forgetting how much your ex-boyfriend sucked. And that's not it, sister. My grandfather also died. And I had to save the world from an alien invasion all by myself. So where is the gratitude? Instead I have to sit here and listen to you whine and cry about how your parents knew better?

And you know what else sucks? Portal. Yeah, I said it. Portal sucks. My game did portals first and nobody cares, yet when Portal shows up everybody raves about how it's the best thing in the world and the most innovative game of the year. Now that's a tragedy, Fooled Me Twice. That's a real tragedy, unlike this crap you're giving me about how your ex-boyfriend. Look, just get out on the market, at least when you go to bed you don't have to fall asleep to the vivid images of killing your mutant lover.


(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)
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