Can you survive An Unholy Return: The 31 Games of Halloween?
29 Controls of Christmas
Wii Fit Balance Board
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on December 24, 2008   |   Episode 28 (Show Archive)  


It's that time of year again, a time when Defunct Games celebrates the holidays by posting a daily theme article that should inform and delight gamers all over the world. This year we're taking a look at 29 of the best known video game controls of all time, from the Nintendo Entertainment System to the Nintendo Wii remote. We're going to review each and every one of them, and then give you a short haiku. Join us as we celebrate this joyous season with the 29 Controls of Christmas!

You too could be having this much fun on the Wii Fit Balance Board!
Brief Synopsis: Hey Nintendo fans, feel like your favorite company has completely abandoned you in order to focus on female and elderly gamers? Feel like Nintendo is more interested in your hot girlfriend than your sorry 300 pound ass? Well, you need not look any further than the Wii Fit Balance Board for your proof that Nintendo hates you. Not only was this Nintendo's biggest hit of 2008, but it was also named the best video game of the year by Entertainment Weekly. While other companies are busy creating fake plastic drums and cool gun accessories, Nintendo is here to bring you your own video game scale. Being weighed has never been more fun, thanks to Nintendo and their funky ability to call just about everybody fat. So get up on that balance board fatty and shake your groove thing. Or just stand there, it really doesn't matter, because if you're a dude you're probably not going to have fun with this thing. Perhaps there's a reason that the TV commercials show mostly women (and young girls) having fun dodging shoes (like our president), doing yoga and fake dancing. And when these women get board standing on a scale, they can jump over to Animal Crossing ... which is also aimed squarely at women. Or you could pick up your bedazzled Nintendo DS, which is being advertised by Ugly Betty's very own America Ferrera. Actually, if you have external genitalia then chances are Nintendo doesn't want anything to do with you. Can I interest you in a copy of Call of Duty: World at War?

The Style: There isn't a whole lot to Nintendo's balance board. In fact, in a lot of ways it reminds me of Sega's Activator, with the only difference being that this does what it says it's going to do. This is a scale-like device that just sort of sits on the ground. It's white like the Nintendo Wii and its control, but for the most part it's just a flat piece of plastic with very little style. The most stylish thing about the Wii Fit Balance Board is your half naked girlfriend when she stands on it. But as much of a turn on as that is, you can't help but wish you had control of the TV so you could play something, y'know, fun.

What the 30 Year Old Me Would Say: It's tough for women. I'm just a dude who sits at a computer all day, the last thing I want in my house is a scale. I don't need a video game telling me I'm chunky, if I wanted to be abused I could call up my mom and have her guilt trip me to the

Remember what your mother told you, stand up straight when you're playing with the Wii Fit Balance Board!
gym. If I want to do yoga I could just watch the YouTube clips. If I wanted to dance I could, well, dance. If I wanted to dodge shoes I could go to Iraq and hang out with George W. Bush. This thing is completely pointless; I don't understand what Nintendo is thinking with this thing. Nintendo does realize that it's my money they are using to court the women of the world, right? I funded this stuff with all the money I gave them for the various systems, controls and games they put out. I deserve better. I deserve to have at least one game aimed at me. Instead I get Wii Fit, Wii Music and Animal Crossing? OH HELL NO!!

What I Would Say Now: My 30 year old self speaks the truth, Nintendo has really dropped the ball on this one. You see, nobody would be complaining if they were giving equal time to the casuals and the hardcore. But they aren't, instead we get nothing but casual games and are expected to like it. Period. That's what I took away from Nintendo's E3 press conference this year. They announced no new games, instead opting to regale us with stories about snowboarding, talk about how many women are buying Nintendo systems and an impromptu concert done in Wii Music. All this at 7 in the morning? It's times like these where I get stabby! Nintendo doesn't care about us; they've made that perfectly clear. Watch any of those above commercials from this year; it's clear that if you don't have a vagina you aren't welcome in Nintendoland. They'll still accept your money, though.

The Wii Fit Balance Board Haiku:
Your girlfriend loves it.
The fun of weighing yourself.
They have lost their minds!


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