It's that time of year again, a time when Defunct Games celebrates the holidays by posting a daily theme article that should inform and delight gamers all over the world. This year we're taking a look at 29 of the best known video game controls of all time, from the Nintendo Entertainment System to the Nintendo Wii remote. We're going to review each and every one of them, and then give you a short haiku. Join us as we celebrate this joyous season with the 29 Controls of Christmas!
The Guitar Hero On Tour box comes with a guitar grip, the game, stickers, a stylus that looks like a pick and a LOT of pain and agony!
Activision is good at sniffing out money, which may explain why they decided to release Guitar Hero on the Nintendo DS. It's not like people were demanding it, but soon after Activision bought RedOctane they decided to release not one, but two different Nintendo DS Guitar Hero games. Talk about overkill. The biggest problem with a portable Guitar Hero game is that hauling around a fake plastic guitar defeats the whole purpose of a portable game. Activision's solution was to come up with something they called the Guitar Grip. This uncomfortable piece of plastic slides into the Game Boy Advance slot on your Nintendo DS and then sucks the life out of your left hand. No matter how you position your hand or how loose you have the guitar grip, it won't take more than a song or two before your hand will cramp up and not let you do anything else for 24 hours. Couple this with the fact that there's only four buttons and you have a watered down Guitar Hero game that is murder on your hand. It's been several days since I last played Guitar Hero On Tour Decades (Activision's second DS Guitar Hero in less than six months), and I can still feel the sting of playing Blind Melon's No Rain. Every time I can't open my hand I curse out that damn bee girl ... even though she had nothing to do with it. Damn you bee girl. Damn you!
The Guitar Hero On Tour Guitar Grip is certainly stylish ... if you're a fan of huge pieces of plastic making your Nintendo DS twice its size. The grip has four traditional buttons, but they are all positions in such a way that your hand will hate you for it when you're done. Worse yet, this uncomfortable control comes with a ridiculous looking stylus that is in the shape of a guitar pick. I actually found somebody on a Guitar Hero On Tour forum that confessed to using the stylus pick as his regular guitar pick. If you're one of those people that does this, then you are a tool and should not be allowed near that guitar. You should also not play Guitar Hero On Tour because prolonged exposure to the game will surely result in crippling hand trauma. On second thought, you go right on ahead and destroy your hand ... it's not like you're going to need it for anything useful.
What the 30 Year Old Me Would Say:
Guitar Hero ... on the Nintendo DS? Is there really somebody clamoring for a portable Guitar Hero game? Don't get me wrong, I love Guitar Hero as much as the
The only thing missing from this package is a Wrist Strong (tm) bracelet!
next guy, but what's the point of rocking out when you're on the go? And that thing doesn't even look like a guitar, it's just a fret board with an uncomfortable strap. And it only has four buttons. How hard can a game be if it only has four buttons? This is stupid; it would make more sense to just adapt Frequency or Amplitude to the Nintendo DS. C'mon Activision, not everything needs to be ported to the Nintendo DS!
What I Would Say Now:
What would I say now? Well, considering I'm still 30, my opinion hasn't changed much. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote down exactly what I thought of the guitar grip when I reviewed Guitar Hero On Tour earlier this year. And I quote: " Unfortunately the game's major flaws show up almost immediately. For one thing the fret board accessory is extremely uncomfortable. I tried it on both an old Nintendo DS "fat" and the new DS Lite and in both situations I found my hands getting cramped after only two or three songs. Even with only four fret buttons (as opposed to the normal five), Guitar Hero: On Tour's controls hurt my hand and made playing the game a painful experience." Ouch, I wasn't thrilled about it then and I'm certainly not thrilled about it now. Either my hand is going to have to shrink or the guitar grip is going to have to be redesigned before I start having a good time playing Guitar Hero on the go!
The Guitar Hero On Tour Guitar Grip Haiku:
This grip kills my hand.
Days later the pain persists.
Must stop the throbbing!