Super Play's Top 600 Super NES Games: #594 - #551

The year is 1992, and Snap! was right, the rhythm is a dancer. This was also the year when The Crying Game let it all hang out at the box office and British TVs were Absolutely Fabulous. But more than anything else, 1992 was the year that brought us Super Play, a monthly Nintendo-themed magazine from Future that would go on to publish 47 issues and quickly become one of Britain's best gaming resources.

Hello, my name is Cyril, and I've traveled all the way to jolly ole England for this debut episode of Super Play's Top 600. Over the next twelve episodes, we're going to count down every single game Super Play reviewed in those 47 issues. From legitimate classics to hidden gems to a myriad of movie-licensed platformers you've completely forgotten about, we're going to cover them all. And we're going to do it by reading each game's verdict. That was usually the wrap up at the end where Super Play would sum the game's quality up in a biting and often sarcastic way. These are the funniest bits, and should help to keep us laughing as we look at the hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of games released on the Super NES.

Now, the thing you need to know about this countdown is that there aren't actually 600 reviews. Based on my count, there are 601 reviews, however, the number we're going with for this countdown is actually 594. Why the discrepancy? The simple answer is that Super Play occasionally reviewed the same game multiple times. For example, they might review the Japanese version one month and then the European release the next, giving both versions the same grade. In an attempt to not be redundant, I have removed all of the duplicate reviews, with the exception of versions that received different scores. I hope you don't mind that I rounded up. I think we can all agree that Super Play's Top 594 sounds like a terrible show and you would have probably ignored it.


#594: Pit-Fighter
14% "Yikes! Where's the scaling graphics? Where's the gameplay? Where's that receipt? Not recommended."
#593: Jeopardy!
15% "Very much an American product (you won't understand three quarters of the questions), but still completely nob and a waste of money."
#592: Time Cop
15% "Not just a bad movie, but a bad game, too. Avoid the temporal rozzer at all costs. You have been warned."
#591: American Gladiators
16% "It was inevitable, perhaps, but this is appalling. And it doesn't even manage to incorporate any of the TV programme's appeal."
#590: George Foreman's
KO Boxing
18% "Useless boxing game that's a strong contender for the worst SNES release of all time."
#589: Super Bikkuriman
18% "If it wasn't for Pit-Fighter, this would be the worst beat 'em up ever. So, a bit of a narrow escape there, then, eh?"
#588: Wheel of Fortune
18% "A truly appalling idea for a game (never mind a television programme). The strange hold it had on us initially soon evaporated."
#587: Kawasaki:
Caribbean Challenge
20% "To add insult to injury, Kawasaki doesn't even include the one thing that may have saved it -- a two-player mode. Put your £60 towards a plane ticket instead."
#586: Road Riot 4WD
20% "Buy this instead of Mario Kart and we'll send the boys round. The worst driving game on the Super NES by miles."
#585: King Arthur and
the Knights of Justice
20% "Just don't, okay? If you can play this without constantly thinking of better things to do, your lifestyle really wants working on."
#584: Last Action Hero
21% "Last Action Hero is very, very poor. Don't even consider it if you're looking for value for money. There's no action, there's no hero and it's the last thing you should ever spend £45 on."
#583: California Games II
22% "California Games II is an outrageously poor multi-event sport 'sim'. At least it doesn't have the nerve to try and pretend to be something it isn't."
#582: Cliffhanger
22% "This is a fourth rate and wholly derivative game that will appeal to no-one, not even Sly fanatics."
#581: Toys
24% "This really is very boring, and, although it's quite difficult, the hour or two I spent stranded on level 1 was, I felt, long enough."
#580: The Hunt for Red October
25% "Apart from the Super Scope bit, there's nothing about this game that says 'Super Nintendo' any louder than it says 'Vic 20'."
#579: PTO II
25% "Nice for Koei employees, I'm sure, but for any gameplayer with an ounce of taste this represents a real trough in Super NES entertainment. They've taken one of the most interesting episodes of history and made it slightly less interesting than sorting out tax returns."
#578: Tintin in Tibet
25% "An insult to George and his fans. Gamers of the world, unite -- put an end to such cynical cash-ins by refusing to buy it, even if you see it reduced to ten quid. As it will be, very quickly, I assure you."
#577: Izzy's Quest for
the Olympics
25% "Graphically okay, but this has been done and done and done again. Worse still, I can't ever remember it being done much worse."
#576: Wayne's World
26% "It's conceivably, just conceivable, that if you were wild about the films you might enjoy this, simply for the sake of the sound effects and pictures of your heroes. But viewed as a game in its own right, it's ropy stuff."
#575: Robocop vs.
The Terminator
27% "The slackest, shabbiest, laziest film license I've seen in years. Gorgeous graphics, but don't let them sucker you."
#574: Animaniacs
28% "Less a clever game based on a funny cartoon, more a grindingly tedious disaster."
#573: Outlander
28% "A very poor effort. It's fun watching all the motorcyclists getting killed, but only for a minute or two. The actual game itself ... well, there isn't one, to be honest. Not that we can find."
#572: Alien vs. Predator
28% "Not quite in the same dire league as Pit-Fighter and it's motley chums, but severely lacking all the same. Don't buy it. The name is probably the best thing about the whole sorry project."
#571: James Bond Jr.
29% "Quick, turn the page! You really shouldn't look at this. It's ghastly American trash of the first order, with no redeeming features whatsoever. Burn it."
#570: World Wide Soccer
29% "Almost certainly the worst football game on the Super Nintendo, and likely remain so for some time to come."
#569: Paperboy 2
29% "Painfully, teeth-grindingly tedious. You want to rinse your mouth out after playing it."
#568: Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures
29% You can't help wishing that this game had never been released. If Noel's House Party is crap, then this goes right off the scale."
#567: Frantic Flea
29% One day, I'm going to find the people who wrote this game, and I'm not going to very pleasant to them.
#566: Death & Return of
Superman
29% Mr. Dustman! You forgot this when you collected from us this morning. Take it away -- it makes me very unhappy. What a pile of rubbish.
#565: Captain America
30% Not a very good game at all. If you liked the coin-op (which seems pretty unlikely), it might persuade you, though.
#564: Justice League
30% Before going into town, put on your mum's old tights, you dad's baggy Y-fronts, and stick a dustbin bag around your shoulders like a cape. Your embarrassment will be nothing compared to that felt by anyone who buys Justice League.
#563: Sonic Blast Man 2
31% After all of the games which we've insisted be released over here, this is one game which we're happy is likely remain firmly where it is.
#562: Home Alone 2
32% Really dull, really unimaginative and extremely poor value for money. Buy this and you'll be 'Home Alone 2' -- your family won't come near you.
#561: Warpspeed
32% Graphically and sonically, this is a extremely crude. Wing Commander fans might take to the gameplay, but for the rest of us, it's a very dated concept.
#560: Rise of the Robots
33% Easily the worst beat 'em up ever made, a fact highlighted by the enormous and unjustified hype. Sad as it sounds, the SNES version is still the best version of the lot. Buying this would be a cataclysmically stupid thing to do.
#559: Psycho Dream
33% How do games of such startling banality get off the drawing board? And who the hell buys 'em? Not you, hopefully.
#558: Home Alone
34% If you're the kind of person who'd go out intentionally and buy a game called Home Alone, well, then, you deserve everything you get.
#557: Sim Earth
34% Poor presentation is the least of the sins of this over-ambitious and fatally flawed eco-sim. It's simply tedious in the extreme to play, and should be avoided at all costs.
#556: Super F1 Circus 2
34% For this price, you should expect a lot more excitement for your money. Don't even bother trying 'cos it's not worth buying.
#555: Hungry Dinosaurs
35% Has all the visual hallmarks of a classic puzzler but just doesn't cut it. In fact, so misplaced is the concept that it represents only a mildly entertaining diversion at the very most.
#554: Race Drivin'
34% X-cert graphics, all right-ish (with stress on the ish) gameplay but zero lasting appeal. The 'moo' where you run over a cow is nice, though.
#553: Ushio and Tora
35% A truly dismal game that you could finish on your first go (if you wanted) and isn't worth the chips it's encoded on. Perhaps what's worse is that you're given infinite credits. Into the bargain.
#552: Winter Olympics
35% Having 10 events in the game should provide variety, but because none of them are any good, it doesn't work like that. So don't buy Winter Olympics. It's a complete waste of £49.99.
#551: Cacoma Knight in Bizland
36% You'd have to be bonkers to fork out £45 for this. If drawing right angles is your passion, buy a couple of pencils and a set square.
So, what did we learn from this first batch of games? Well, we know that Super Play hated all of the game shows we tried to export, specifically Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and American Gladiators. They also called James Bond Jr. "American trash," which is probably true of the cartoon, but I'll have you know that the game was developed by Canadians. Speaking of things they didn't like, they hated both of those Home Alone games. I hope they didn't bother watching that recent movie. And while we're talking about Christmas garbage, today I learned that Noel's House Party is a thing that I can (and definitely will) watch on YouTube.

But before I do that, I need to remind you that we'll be back tomorrow, November 26, to countdown the next fifty games. We will then be switching to the show's regular schedule, which will be Tuesdays and Fridays, going right up to New Year's Eve. And, if you're watching this in the future, I'll be throwing all of these games into playlist. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to see what Noel's House Party was all about. See you tomorrow.

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