Bible Adventures

Considering its age, The Holy Bible is packed full of epic moments that would translate well to the video game screen. Wars are fought, there is smiting, a dude walked on water and just about everybody is tortured in one way or another. You would think that this could be turned into an incredible video game. But alas, Bible Adventures opts for three of the book's most boring sections. The end result is not only one of the worst games of all time, but also a product that can be easily debunked.

Bible Adventures is split into three mini-games, each worse than the last. There's Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David & Goliath. Each of these modes is overflowing with terrible game play decisions, sluggish controls and debatable logic. Even worse, it's all cloaked under the idea that this is somehow inspirational or, God forbid, educational.


We start our journey with Noah's Ark, the realistic account of a guy who manages to travel around the world picking up two of every single type of animal, kept them on a boat large enough to house billions of animals and then figured out a way to redistribute them in exactly the right positions. Here you only need to collect six different types of animals -- cows, horses monkeys, snakes pigs and oxen.

Yes, you read that correctly. The game wants you to collect male cows and female oxen. Wait ... what? Just so we're straight, cows are female, bulls are male and oxen are castrated cattle. Noah's chance of finding a male cow is about as good as Bible Adventures converting me to Christianity. But the blatant disregard for actual facts makes it hard for me to take any part of this game seriously.


The gameplay is a variant of Super Mario Bros. 2 (the American version, not the incredibly tough Japanese sequel), only this time around you pick up animals and drag them back to your boat. Some of the animals will be right out in the open, while others require the player to chase after. Unfortunately, every time you jump you end up throwing your catch. On the other hand, you are able to hold multiple animals at once.

Next up is Baby Moses, a game about a woman carrying a baby all across Egypt. Much like Noah's Ark, this is a lot like Super Mario Bros. 2. Instead of collecting animals, your goal is to keep Moses safe. That's easier said than done, as you'll have to avoid soldiers, spiders and cloud formations. The good news is that there's more than one level, so expect to see changing backgrounds and new obstacles along the way. Sadly, that doesn't make up for an embarrassingly shallow concept. Holding baby Moses means you can't attack, making the whole thing a lot more frustrating than it needs to be.


David & Goliath is, you guessed it, another Super Mario Bros. 2 clone. This time around you play David, a strong man who is able to pick up sheep and fight off squirrels. Considering the story it's based on, I was expecting a lot of excitement and action in this game. But alas, it's yet another mode where all you do is collect animals. The same gameplay (and logic) problems that plagued the first two mini-games persist here.

The most depressing part about Bible Adventure is that somebody truly believed that this was a good way to get children into learning about Christianity. There are passages from the Bible scattered throughout the levels, perhaps hoping that some of it might stick with the player. The whole thing is lost on me. Even if you can get past the inaccurate facts, terrible graphics and poor gameplay, you're still left with a preachy game about animal collecting. What kid wants to collect sheep when they could be blowing up aliens in Contra?