Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...
Q1: Better Early Than Late?
DEAR TIM: I have often read complaints about people who are chronically late, but I have the opposite problem with my friend, "Adele," who is annoyingly early.
If I am hosting a get-together, Adele invariably arrives 45 to 60 minutes before the start time. I am usually making last-minute preparations then and have sometimes not even gotten into the shower yet. If we are going to an event together, Adele will also arrive long before the appointed time, and I feel rushed and rude for ignoring her while I get ready. If I am driving, when I pick her up she's always waiting on her front step as though I am late.
Tim, I am a prompt person. I always try to get to an appointment five to 10 minutes early, or arrive at a party 10 to 15 minutes after the appointed time, which I have been told is good manners. Other than this one issue, Adele and I are close, and I enjoy her companionship very much. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Am I rude for making her wait, or is she rude for imposing herself on me?
-- ON TIME IN GERMANTOWN, WIS.
DEAR ON TIME IN GERMANTOWN: Tim is off on a search to answer this pressing question. It has been snatched by a horrible evil monster. This happened because Tim made a mistake. Not just one. He made many mistakes during the time he was supposed to be answering the question. Memories of this task have become muddled, replaced wholesale. He knows that the questioner would not be happy with his response, but he hoped that over time she would forgive him. But who
can just shrug away a guilty lie, a stab in the back? He knew he needed to do something, but what? He knew he needed to answer this question, but he worried that the author would just turn away and forsake him.
Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving too readily, we can be badly hurt. But if we've learned from a mistake and become better for it, should we be rewarded for the learning, rather than punished for the mistake? What if this Video Game Advice column worked differently? Suppose we could tell her: "I'm sorry I didn't get around to answering your pressing question, I really meant to but ran out of time," and she would say "It's okay, I understand," and she would not turn away and life would really proceed as though the question was answered and life was good again? We could remove the damage but still be wiser for the experience.
But instead she demands an answer, to which Tim has none. Perhaps in the future he will know how to answer such an important question about time, but this is not something that he has any experience in. Or does he? Tim doesn't really understand the power he holds, but the woman does. Unfortunately she turns sharply away, her braid lashing at him with contempt. "This is the last time I ever ask you a question," she says. Tim doesn't respond, but he knows that he failed her ... yet again.
Q2: Don't Fear the Present!
DEAR BOMBERMAN: I would appreciate your perspective on something that has been going on for about five years. When my granddaughter, "Allie," receives a gift, she takes it to her room to open. Allie is no longer a child, Bomberman. She's an intelligent, attractive college graduate. Later on, she will say thank you for the gift.
When I asked why she won't open the gift when I give it to her, her response was, "I don't like to be watched while I open gifts." This leaves me unable to witness her pleasure and makes me wonder why I spend my time purchasing anything for her. Please give me your reaction.
-- GIFT-GIVING GRANDMA, CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.
DEAR GIFT-GIVING GRANDMA: I'll be honest with you, Grandma; I'm not a big fan of the whole gift-giving thing. I know I'm on my own with this one, but when you've had the sort of luck I've had you tend to get a little squeamish around packages. Imagine opening
up a package and finding that it's nothing more than a bomb, you probably wouldn't rushing to unwrap other gifts, would you? Of course you wouldn't, because all it times is one bomb in a box before you decide that gifts are bad (and dangerous). After talking to a counselor about my phobias I decided to give the whole gift thing another shot, and I was surprised to find out that somebody was nice enough to give me a pair of rollerskates. Unfortunately the very next package was a bomb, and I was right back at square one. These days I avoid gifts at all costs, figuring that if somebody wants to give me something they can just hand it to me.
I think that this may be the problem with Allie, she's afraid that you're going to get her a bomb. I say that instead of using wrapping paper, you should just hand her the gift and yell out "SURPRISE!" Or maybe you just aren't very good at giving gifts and Allie doesn't want to pretend to be excited about another ceramic figurine. Maybe it's time to give her a pair of rollerskates; I know from firsthand experience that rollerskates make wonderful gifts. But don't get her a bomb; whatever you do don't give her a bomb!
Q3: Finding Women Is Easy!
DEAR PRINCESS PEACH: I'm a 23-year-old woman who needs advice on how to find female friends. My family moved a lot when I was a child. By the time we settled down, I was in high school and realized to my dismay that it was too late. The other girls already had friends and social groups and weren't looking for more.
The same was true when I went to college and met my roommates. I'm out of school now and haven't had a female friend in years. It can be very lonely. Where can I meet women my age who still want to make new friends?
-- FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN GLENDALE, CALIF.
DEAR FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN GLENDALE: From one sister to another, I feel your pain. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, but I don't think that you're beyond help. Have you thought about making friends at work or trying to make friends at the gym? Better still, you could always volunteer or do charity work, I'm sure you will find a lot of people willing to be your
friend at a homeless shelter. As far as I can tell you have all kinds of places to meet female companionship, so just be friendly and don't discriminate.
Take it from me, it's vitally important to have some female friends, especially when times are tough and you need a shoulder to cry on. Just remember, it could always be a lot worse. Just look at my life. As far as I can tell I'm the only woman in the Mushroom Kingdom. All day long I see Mario and Luigi doing their thing, but outside of my pet goomba I'm all by myself. That's why I do so much journaling; it really takes away the hurt and loneliness. You got to believe me, I've tried just about everything I can to find other female friends, I've tried out for sports and even went on my own adventure just to find companionship. But alas, all I have is Toad ... and who the heck knows what sex Toad is.
I suppose I could get a hold of Princess Daisy, she lives just down the street. But I don't want to do that, there's the bad blood and the whole weird love triangle thing that I just don't want to deal with. If Mario wants to go out with that whore then she can have him, but I don't want to have anything to do with that sick relationship. So take it from me, your life could be a lot worse. At least you have other women around; I can't even tell you what I would do just to have somebody else to talk to. Good luck girl, but I don't think you're going to need it.
(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)