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Game Expectancy
Rolling Thunder: When Will Agent Albatross Die?
By Cyril Lachel     |   Posted on March 12, 2012   |   Episode 10 (Show Archive)  

   

Agent Albatross (in Rolling Thunder)!
Have you ever wondered how old your favorite video game character will be when they die? Defunct Games puts that question to the test. By studying the lives of gaming's biggest stars, we are able to accurately predict when they'll croak.

(Note: All characters start at 79 years old, the national average for life expectancy.)

NAME: Agent "Albatross"

BORN: March 15, 1961

GAMOGRAPHY: Albatross is the star of Rolling Thunder 1 and 2. Although he is mentioned, Albatross does not appear in Rolling Thunder 3. He had the good sense to stay as far away from that international disaster as humanly possible.

BIOGRAPHY: Little is known about Agent "Albatross". We know that he was a young Rolling Thunder agent when he rescued Leila in the first game. By the second game he had grown and presumably been on more missions. His family life is a mystery and nobody knows his real name. But I have a hunch that's the way he would have wanted it. All we know is that he managed to slip away after Rolling Thunder 2 and has yet to be found.



CAUCASIAN MALE

He's tall, good looking and has
defined cheekbones. Men want to
be him and women want to be with
him. You know the spiel.
Adjustment: -2


HE WAS EXPERTLY TRAINED

Not only is he incredibly good looking,
but he's also expertly trained in
combat, weapons and matters
of the bedroom.
Adjustment: +6


HE HAS AN OFFICE WIFE

Wherever he goes and whatever he
does, Albatross has a sexy female
spy covering his back. Unless
she's been kidnapped, that is.
Adjustment: +3


HE IS SURPRISINGLY LIMBER

Albatross might not be able to leap
tall buildings, but he comes close. He
has able to jump up an entire level,
at least 16 feet. WOW!
Adjustment: +2


ISN'T VERY STEALTHY

For a spy, Albatross isn't very stealthy.
He wears a bright red shirt and hides in
closets that may or may not
be occupied. That's risky.
Adjustment: -3


KNOWS INTERNATIONAL SECRETS

Over the course of his career he has
learned incredibly sensitive secrets
that nobody wants getting out.
He's a marked man.
Adjustment: -10


HE'S A WORLD TRAVELER

Whether for work or pleasure, Albatross
is a fan of traveling around the world.
He's an expert in foreign culture
and languages.
Adjustment: +4


HE HATES ROBOTS

Those pesky robots just keep coming
back! No matter how many times
Albatross shoots them, they keep
getting back up!
Adjustment: -1


HAZARDOUS PROFESSION

The life of a spy isn't easy. One day
you're fighting an attack dog and the
next your helicopter is getting
shot down. It's dangerous!
Adjustment: -15


BUT HE'S RETIRED

Albatross managed to dodge both
figurative and literal bullets by retiring
with the love of his life. Nobody
knows where the sexy pair went.
Adjustment: +15


YOU CAN'T STAY HIDDEN FOREVER

With governments and international
gangers after him, Albatross can't stay
hidden forever. He'll always be sleeping
with one eye open. Gulp.
Adjustment: -10


Life Expectancy - 68 Years Old (1961 - 2029): Assuming he can stay hidden, Agent Albatross should be able to live into his golden years. He didn't smoke or drink, and from what we know he remained a one-woman guy. It's a shame he will always be hunted and marked for death, because he would have made a wonderful grandfather.

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