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Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition Reviewed by Cyril Lachel on . Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies is a miserable experience with even worse gameplay. It takes an already simple genre and dumbs it down to the point of absurdity. You're better off playing literally any other side-scrolling beat-em-up. In a world where it's either play this again or be eaten by zombies, I'm pretty sure I would side with the zombies. Rating: 1%
Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition
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Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition
  • Review Score:

  • F
When you pause the newest game from Awesome Enterprises, it offers this pro tip: "Don't pause the game. 76% of players who pause the game die soon after un-pausing." While I'm sure they've done extensive research and crunched the numbers, I have a slightly different theory. By the time players have experienced enough of Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies to pause, I suspect 76% of players have discovered that this abortion of a game is so painfully bad that giving up on life is the only sane option.

With a name that sounds more like a desperate attempt to stand out in the increasingly crowded zombie genre, Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition is a frustrating new action game where you play a busty blonde woman trying to escape a zombie outbreak. She's a little ditzy and hasn't learned how to button up a shirt, but at least she brought along a massive meat cleaver to stay safe.


This is a shockingly inept beat-em-up where a half dozen zombie clones rush our hero on both sides. We're given only two attacks -- a high attack and a low attack. That's it. There are no special moves or power-ups. You can't duck or jump or do much of anything beyond hacking and slashing zombies. Even compared to the classic 2D beat-em-ups from the 1980s, Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies is a huge step backwards.

I suppose I could complain about how all the action takes place on a single lifeless screen or how all of the backgrounds are nothing more than a snapshot with a PhotoShop filter over them, but that's not the issue here. The real culprit is the gameplay, which is the very definition of sluggish. There's a noticeable lag between the button press and action on screen. This is fine at first, but can be incredibly frustrating once the game starts throwing dozens of zombies at you.

e Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition (Steam)Click For the Full Picture Archive

To make matters worse, the zombies don't actually need to bite you to register damage. In fact, there is no bite animation. What usually happens is a walker will slip by your defenses and stand right next to you, invulnerable to attacks and sucking your life. Unfortunately, this is the best case scenario. I found that sometimes a zombie doesn't even need to be around you to inflict pain. I died multiple times with nobody near me. There is not one moment in this game where I had fun.

Oh, and did I mention that it randomly becomes a dual-stick shooter? In the most jarring shift I've seen this year, we jump from crummy 2D beat-em-up to unbearable overhead action game. Unfortunately, the sluggish controls carry over; turning what could have been an entertaining diversion into a frustrating nightmare.

e Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition (Steam)Click For the Full Picture Archive

Even if I could get beyond the terrible gameplay and mind-numbing repetition, you're still left with a loathsome hero who doesn't deserve to survive the zombie apocalypse. She's the kind of person who could learn your name, but chooses to call you Mr. Mexican. A person who seems a little iffy on the Chinese. A person who can't even button a damn shirt. This is the kind of person that should be eaten first, yet she continues to luck her way into safety.

Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies is a miserable experience with even worse gameplay. It takes an already simple genre and dumbs it down to the point of absurdity. You're better off playing literally any other side-scrolling beat-em-up. In a world where it's either play this again or be eaten by zombies, I'm pretty sure I would side with the zombies.
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