Wu Tang Shaolin Style
I don't know which is more offensive: the fact that it's the Wu Tang Clan, or that it took the place of the dead Thrill Kill! This one on one on one on one (that's four player for you Wu Tang fans out there) fighter is all about destruction, but it certainly comes off with an arrogant vibe. There are certainly a few other bands that deserve video games more than the Wu Tang Clan.
This basketball player turn actor turn rapper turn regular tall guy (with a pretty darn good team under him) can't seem to fight his way out of a paper bag. Shaq Fu does have it's merits, sharp animation, pretty good graphics, and even imaginative characters (except for Shaq, who is pretty unimaginative). And since we aren't able to review this game (it's not on a system we cover) I feel the importance to mention it whenever possible.
Michael Jordan in Chaos in the Windy City
Unlike Shaq, Michael Jordan ISN'T an actor. He ISN'T a rapper. He ISN'T your regular all around tall guy, because he's Michael Jordan. And I want to be like Mike. Heck, Shaq wants to be like Mike!! So, why Michael, why would you insult everything you do (except for that baseball stint) with a game like Chaos in the Windy City. Who really believes you are an action hero? And using a basketball as a weapon? What is this, dodgeball?
Make Your Own Music Video: Inxs, Marky Mark, Kris Kross, and C + C Music Factory (tie)
Perhaps these bands didn't know what they were getting themselves into. Perhaps these people really were comfortable enough letting you screw up their videos. Or, maybe they didn't even have a choice. Whatever the excuse, Make Your Own Music Video may have been short lived (those four, that's it) but it's coming back with a vengeance. Both Men In Black Limited Edition DVD and the upcoming Final Fantasy: the Spirit Within DVD (aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves?) incorporate this feature, and many more are sure to come. But is it any wonder? Many of those were released on the Sega CD by Sony!
Pen & Teller's Smoke & Mirrors
One of the best memories of Las Vegas was the Pen and Teller show I attended after a long C.E.S. day. Looking at this 3DO game, however, makes me really happy I have better memories of the two best "rip off artistes" in the business to fall back on. Some funny mini games, but a pretty lack luster design, and a horrendous interface. What's happened to you Pen and Teller?
Perhaps if I liked Aerosmith, but I have a funny feeling not even then would this game be anything more than a quarter sucking blood bath gleaming with arrogance. Using the Terminator 2 arcade engine, Revolution X was a machine gun game filled with loosely themed levels and enemies. When I say loosely based, I mean the game had an Aerosmith poster here, or a Get a Grip CD there. Maybe an Aerosmith song would break out. But then, nothing else seemed to make sense in the Aerosmith universe, and by the end you realize that this simply could have been any band. Can you just imagine how different this game would have been with Eminem?
Gallagher's Shooting Gallery
I still love you Gallagher, but this pseudo-game is not winning you any points. This really isn't so much a game as it is a lot of clips, and a little interaction. But then, when I start thinking about game logic, I realize that a companies only recourse in making a Gallagher action game is his mallet, I mean, Sledge-O-Matic! So, perhaps he's not a very reliable license after all. Shame on you Gallagher. Shame on you.
Saying that Spice World the game is based on Spice World the movie would be like saying that Mario Kart was based on World War II. This game mixes the worst of the 1997 blockbuster album of the same name, with the worst of the Spice Girls choreography. To say this game is a dancing game is an insult to Bust a Groove. Heck, this really isn't much of a game at all. And if the Spice Girls had something to do with it, it certainly wasn't the final okay!
Michael Jackson has a new CD, a new tour, and a new image all coming this year! Sega was happy to oblige Michael Jackson with several video games, all based on the Joe Pesci movie of the same name. While neither of the games released were horrible, they forced you to listen to muzak versions of songs like "Smooth Criminal" over and over and over ("Eddie are you okay? Are you okay, Eddie?"). But Michael has learned a few things about over exposure, and so perhaps we should let a new super star with a big ego take the top spot as the most SHAMELESS.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Is there anything more offensive, insulting, condescending, and arrogant than those two Olsen Twins? They've been in what, 100 movies now? They've been on TV since their birth. They have their own magazine! I was worried about them being over exposed, but I didn't get far without finding their very own video game. Was I afraid to figure out what it was about? Sure, but I found out anyway. And what I found out was too repulsive to repeat. Run. Run. Run.
Question: Wow. That's pretty damn shameless. I'll give you that. But I bet you can't be that shameless.
Oh yeah? Is that a dare?? Well, how about this: Here are the top five reasons you should come to Defunct Games every single day. No, scratch that, four or five times a day - Number Five: Listen fatso, you know you have nothing better to do than read about fake games and eat ice cream. Number Four: It's either us, or calling Miss Cleo, and being as she didn't know she was going to be on trial, I think Defunct Games is a better bet. Number Three: Because you really have no desire to learn anything what so ever. Number Two: Because you don't want to kick it up a notch. BAM!! Number One: Because it's the best ad free website on the internet, and hinges on the sublime. (And if you're Capcom. Number Zero: Because the writers of Defunct Games is pure evil, and frankly we can't do anything but control your mind.)