Episode 21: Square's Problem with Final Fantasy III
This may not be the first time we talked about Final Fantasy, but it's the oldest Square-related article to not be totally outdated. To this day Square has yet to release Final Fantasy III in the U.S., it is literally the ONLY Final Fantasy game to not find its way on to some domestic system. Square found a way of getting other rare Final Fantasy games out there, be it on the Game Boy Advance or in console compilations, but don't expect to see the third installment. Square-Enix recently announced an upgraded port for the Nintendo DS ... but I'll believe that when I see it. Even though this article dangles on the fine line of being relevant and outdated, it's still one of my favorite articles that has rarely been talked about on other sites. Say what you will, but here we are four years later and Square STILL seems to have problems with Final Fantasy III. In Retrospect: A-

Episode 22: Emeril vs. Bam! Entertainment
Why did I write this horrible article? I could probably come up with a complete B.S. reason, but I have a hunch it was all about getting that lame "Bam!" sound effect on the site. To be fair, I've never really watched Emeril do anything. I've passed by him a few times on the Food Network, but I never stop long enough to pay attention. But that didn't stop me from putting together this horrible Feud. What is funny about this article is that it mentions, of all things, his NBC sitcom, which at that time was just about to premiere. That show lasted about three episodes (one of which made fun of liposuction, no really), then it was back to the Food Network for Emeril. Still, that doesn't explain why I decided to post an entire article about the guy. I think I was just out of ideas at the time, yeah, that sounds like a perfectly good excuse! In Retrospect: D-

Episode 23: Pulse vs. the Pulse
Now for two more shows that no longer exist. It's the Pulse (the crappy G4 news show) vs. Pulse (the crappy Fox TV news show). Put these two shows together and you get an article that probably should have been harsher on Bill O'Reilly. Perhaps my favorite understatement on Defunct Games is in this article, "or the outspoken (and occasionally inaccurate) Bill O'Reilly." Occasionally inaccurate?? Seriously? What was I thinking? Bill O'Reilly is CONSTANTLY lying on his show, massaging the facts to make them come out his way. There are entire websites devoted to his lies, most of which include full audio (and video) clips! This is the same guy that suggested the terrorists attack San Francisco! The same guy who believes that he is in the "no-spin zone." Notice how G4's Pulse is completely overpowered by Bill O'Reilly, that's probably for the best because that show wasn't worth watching either. With shows like these I kind of wish Emeril's sitcom would get renewed! In Retrospect: C+

Episode 24: Is This Wolf Blitzer's Long Lost Sister
Why is this a Feud?? This was clearly our attempt to get on CNN, but we're going to have to do something more impressive if we're going to be on that cable news channel (such as being a white woman missing in some exotic location). But I digress, this article is just not a Feud. If you really look at it it's more of a Guerilla Scrapbook entry than anything, just me talking about this character that was CLEARLY making the same joke as us. But they did it first ... a long time before us. There was no reason for this article. In Retrospect: F

Episode 25: Nintendo - Pan & Scan vs. Widescreen
Before I was able to stay home and work on Defunct Games full time I was working at Suncoast Video, a chain of mall stores that sold DVDs (and other videos). During my employment at Suncoast I was constantly having to explain to people the difference between pan & scan and widescreen, something that a surprising amount of customers knew nothing about. Apparently when they went to the theater they must have thought the tops were cut off, or maybe they didn't notice that the screen at their multi-plex was considerably wider than the TV they were watching Wheel of Fortune on at home. So as more people upgraded to DVD the more I had to explain the difference, which can get real old real fast. Thankfully this article, which looks at the difference between the U.S. and Japanese Game Boy Advance packages, was a lot easier to understand. All I had to do was show side by side stills of the boxes and it was clear that American gamers were missing something. There are probably better examples these days, but at the time Final Fight, Tactics Ogre, and Tekken were about the best choices. This is a personal favorite article of mine, if only because it finally gives me a reason to talk about pan & scan vs. widescreen again. Now that DVDs have been the standard for years I wonder if there are still people who won't watch movies in their proper aspect ratio. If you're one of those people do me a favor and never write to me! In Retrospect: A

Episode 26: Nintendo's Department of Redundancy Department
Hey look, it's another Feud about the Game Boy Advance! What's funny about this article is that I am complaining about only having one handheld choice, but these days there are more than enough handheld systems to go around. This is yet another example of a Feud that is outdated, but still worth reading. These days it makes sense for Nintendo to have an "Only On" sticker on their games, especially with the PSP out there with its selection of exclusive titles. But why would you do that when you were the only portable on the market? These days I just expect to never to this Feud resolved, and that's fine with me as I'd rather talk about articles that aren't completely outdated. In Retrospect: B

Episode 27: The Great Lemonade Stand-Off
Say hello to yet another E3-related Feud. This Feud actually takes place a full year after the last E3 article and it's easy to see how much the site improved in that time. Everything at E3 is beyond expensive, we're talking about $5 bottles of water and $10 slices of pizza, ridiculous prices. But when you've been on your feet all day you'll pay just about anything for some liquid, so it shouldn't surprise you to know that I spent some hard-earned cash on a few well-deserved drinks. While sipping on my lemonade I noticed a lemonade stand without a single drink on it, upon inspection I realized I was looking at a booth that was advertising a video game. I could only imagine how angry I would have been if I had stood in that line expecting to get something to drink! Oh look, I'm just rambling and recapping what is already in the article. Maybe it's because this is a truly dull article without any interesting stories behind it. Sorry. Let's just grade it and move on. In Retrospect: C+

Episode 28: A Gamers Guide to Summer Concerts
Who is Evanescense? That is one question that plagued me for a full year after posting this article. Literally hundreds of people decided to write me and explain that my music taste must suck if I didn't know who Evanescense was! Well I guess my music taste sucked, because at that time I didn't have a clue who they were. Since then they have been everywhere and I kind of wish I still didn't know who they were. But c'mon, my musical taste is Sonic Youth and Pavement ... not top 40 pop. Still, I want to apologize for offending so many people, clearly I was not in front of that musical curve. I'm not the Summer Concert kind of guy, I guess. I have been to just about every Lollapalooza that ever was, but that's about as far as I'm going to go. The kids can have their festival concerts; I'll take a sit-down Sigur Ros show any day of the week. In Retrospect: C+

Episode 29: An Adult Conversation About Nintendo
Okay, here's the deal, I feel that the idea of having an article about Nintendo's kid-friendly attitude is worth doing. My problem, though, is that we didn't quite do it justice in this Man Show-related article. And what's worse, it wasn't even the GOOD Man Show (with Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel); it's the one with that dude from Fear Factor! In future Feuds we addressed the mixed messages Nintendo was sending out, but in our first attempt we failed miserably. The best part of this article is the advertisement for Man Bites Dog, one of the best French films ever made. After posting that picture I got quite a bit of mail asking me if he was shooing a child. I guess that's just one of those things you are going to have to figure out on your own. In Retrospect: C-

Episode 30: A Case to Be Made for Night Trap!
In the past we've had article that attempted to bite off big topics but come up short. That is not the case with this 30th On Running Feud, A Case to Be Made for Night Trap. This is one of my favorite articles, if only because we are one of the only game magazines to give the game its fair due. Sure I hated the game, but I'm going to defend it until the day I die. Of course, since then we've crowned a new Night Trap, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, so this article might seem a little dated ... but who cares? There is still a case that should be made for Night Trap; I find it insulting that history remembers the lies people said about it more than what was actually in the game, and that's a big reason for us to do this Feud. As long as people are claiming that Night Trap featured rape and violence this article will be relevant, and that's why I feel it's worth at least an A. In Retrospect: A

Episode 31: SSX Goes All the Way Up to Eleven
This was another article that was spawned from a movie; in this case it was the brilliant mockumentary, This Is Spinal Tap! While this is a cute story, I do wish that I had spent more time developing it before letting it go out into the world. After going through SSX3 I noticed that other Electronic Arts games went to 11 and that should have been included in this article. Chances are you starting to notice a trend, there are an awful lot of these Feuds that have something or other to do with a classic movie. Defunct Games may not always have the best articles, but if you need some ideas for your NetFlix account then you might want to spend some time looking at the first 50 Feuds! In Retrospect: B-

Episode 32: The Alleged Corruption of Sony
Let me introduce you to Dawn Gilbert (yes, that's her real name). In 2003 Dawn shared a number of emails with me, most of which were in caps and threatened legal action. From the very first email I received from her I was told that if I didn't take her topic seriously she was going to sue me, and that she would own Defunct Games! After checking with my lawyer I realized that there was nothing she could sue me for and that when it came right down to it I couldn't let her get away with these bully tactics. So this article, The Alleged Corruption of Sony, was my response to her. What I did was piece together all of her emails (up to that time) and turn them into a fake interview. We advertised it as our first interview and did our best to make her look real bad. Apparently it worked because she took noticed and upped her threats. Believe it or not, I spent several months trying to understand this woman and figure out what she wanted, but Dawn Gilbert was not the type of person who listened to reason. She claimed that she's the one that thought up Harry Potter, that she's the one that thought up Vice City, that she's the one that should be making millions off of these properties. I tried reasoning with her in hopes of turning it into an article everybody would love, but that was not to be. A lot of people found this article to be so over-the-top they couldn't believe it, but I assure you that these are her real thoughts and accusations. What I did was turn her crazy-ass rants into one of the funniest articles on Defunct Games. Dawn may hate me, but I don't think anybody can hate this 32nd On Running Feud! I'm sorry Dawn, but this is a personal favorite of mine and I hope EVERYBODY reads it! In Retrospect: A+

Episode 33: From X-Box to Xbox
Despite it's age, this 33rd On Running Feud is actually just as relevant today as it was three years ago. From X-Box to Xbox is a month by month account of the rumors and reality of the original Xbox. This is the article I point to when people repeat to me the mindless rumors they hear about the next generation consoles. Sure sometimes the rumors turn out to be real, but more times than not those rumors are nothing more than guesses made by people that should know better. In its current state this article has a few layout problems (thanks entirely to us switching the look around in the last three years), but this is still one of the best Feuds you can read on Defunct Games. This is the only site on the internet that is willing to look at these rumors, but that's why you come to us every day. You do come and visit the site every day, don't you? Don't make me sick Dawn on you!! In Retrospect: A-

Episode 34: How To Get Ahead in Business ... With the Help of Video Games
After two "A" caliber Feuds before it, this 34th episode may be something of a let down. It's also completely screwed up with its current layout, something that I'm sure somebody will fix sooner or later. So this is an article that shows how companies use video games to sell their products, because back in 2003 this was a pretty novel idea. Unfortunately the entire article isn't nearly as novel as the idea was, and looking back on it now I have to wonder why anybody would even want to read it. It's articles like this that prove that not every feature on the site is worth reading. The only good thing about this Feud is that I was attempting to make fun of the brilliant movie, How to Get Ahead in Business! If you haven't seen it make sure and rent it now, it's one of the best movies from that part of the world. And better yet, rent Withnail & I and you'll have one of the best double-features of all time! Yeah, I know, that's not enough of a reason to recommend this Feud. In Retrospect: D

Episode 35: The People vs. Defunct Games
So here we are again, it's another brilliant article featuring our friend (and recently unmasked) Dawn Gilbert! For a long time I was afraid of exposing Dawn's real name, you'll notice that in all of the other articles I address her as either "Dawn G." or just plain "Dawn." But it's been several years and frankly I'm not afraid of her bite. She has been threatening legal action since BEFORE I posted an article about her, so if she was going to do anything she would have done it by now. This is the second article about her, and it's even better than the last. After she read our "fake" interview she was irate, I definitely angered her more than I've ever angered any woman in before ... I half expected her to hunt me down and chop my head off. But all she did was email me. She accused me of getting money from Sony, accused me of getting my own TV show and accused me of paying somebody to redesign the webpage. All of which was completely, 100% false. But if Dawn was going to get angry at me for correcting her spelling, keeping things in lowercase (as opposed to her letters which were nearly 100% in all caps) and not quoting her word for word, then the only thing I could do was post her lengthy (and hilarious) email to me. I responded with a 16-point response, all of which put the final nail in her coffin. There is no way anybody can side with this character; she is not only misinformed but a huge liar. If Defunct Games was actually getting paid by Sony don't you think we would talk more about the PlayStation products? And better yet, where is all that Sony advertising? I kind of miss Dawn, but I know as I say those words that I never want to hear from her again. Along with Dawn's interview, this is a must-read article. In Retrospect: A+

Episode 36: Another Feud with No Fucking Ending
Holy shit, Cyril just used profanity! So, what the fuck are you going to do about it? That's what I thought; a little pussy like you isn't going to do a damned thing because you're nothing more than an asshole. That's what you are. Actually, forget that, you're not the asshole, I'm the asshole. Before I lose all of my readers at 36 maybe I should just explain that this is the first (and only) article on Defunct Games that features profanity in the actual subject. But that's okay, because this is one article about profanity. This article came about when I went looking through my old emails; I remembered a correspondence I had with a gentleman who wrote into Next Generation about the use of profanity in such games as Wing Commander and Mega Man. We had a great conversation, even though I don't think I actually got through to him. Regardless, this was a great filler after all of those articles about Dawn. You can choose to believe this story or not, but I have proof that it's all on the up and up and I'm not afraid to use it. I would love to tackle profanity again, but this article is so good that I wonder if I'll be able to think of another angle to tackle. This article might be a tad self-indulgent, but it's a personal favorite of mine. In Retrospect: B+

Episode 37: The Anniversary Collection That Wasn't
In case you haven't noticed, these On Running Feuds were really hitting their stride back in late 2003/early 2004. The Anniversary Collection That Wasn't is not just a funny article; it's the type of controversy I want to point out to others. Nobody else was talking about Capcom's little "anniversary" lie, even though it was as blatant as can be. This is one of the Feuds I took with me to E3, after all, it's one of the few articles on this site that is less opinion and more hard fact. The truth of that matter is that Capcom advertised the 15th Anniversary of Street Fighter on both the Xbox and PlayStation 2 version of Street Fighter Anniversary Collection ... but one of those games came out in 2003 and the other is 2004. Well, which is it? Was 2003 the anniversary or was 2004? Actually, neither was. And that's just one of the MANY problems I have with this collection. All of this confusion leads us back to The Anniversary Collection That Wasn't, easily one of the best articles on Defunct Games! In Retrospect: A

Episode 38: Microsoft Halts the Presses
As a game critic I expect video game companies to send me their games so that I can review them. I don't like it when companies hold back their products so that people that make money off of reviewing games won't have anything bad to say about their crappy little product. Back in 2004 Microsoft was guilty of this practice, holding back some of their worst titles in hopes that people would buy the game before any reviews could get printed. This is a shady practice that has to go, and Defunct Games is the company to bring it to your attention. We're also the site that compares games like Sneakers and Grabbed by the Ghoulies to From Justin to Kelly (I told you that movie would come back up again). After all those great articles before it this was kind of a let down, but who cares? It's still the type of feature you won't find anywhere else. In Retrospect: B-

Episode 39: Is Death By Degrees Doomed?
Yes it was ... and we were the first to tell you! Actually, Defunct Games didn't even need to play this Tekken spin-off before knowing it wouldn't be good, ALL fighting game spin-offs are lame. But leave it to Mortal Kombat (who takes more than a few punches in this article) to have the final laugh. Only a year after we posted this article Midway got their act together and released a Mortal Kombat spin-off that was actually worth something. Shaolin Monks turned out to be one of the best 3D brawlers since Final Fight, complete with tons of hidden features (including Mortal Kombat II, the best game in the series). But this Mortal Kombat adventure is clearly the minority, most spin-offs are just too dizzy to be real competitors. In Retrospect: B-

Episode 40: When Street Fighter Met EGM
These days Electronic Gaming Monthly is just one of those magazines we make fun of on a regular basis, but when this article was posted we were still not sure how far we wanted to go with this long-running publication. EGM admits that they had Street Fighter II on the cover more than any other game ... but they always end up being a little short (or worse yet, not representing how bad it actually was). Between February 1992 and November 1993 EGM featured a Street Fighter II reference on the cover a whopping 17 times! That's 17 times out of 23 months. Were there no other games available? Not only did this Feud introduce us to a whole world of making fun of EGM (and all magazines), but it was one of the first times we focused our attention on cover art. These two aspects are Defunct Games clich?s by now, but it all started years ago with this article. In Retrospect: B+