Every Game This Year is Going to Suck!



Resident Evil 5's innovation: White guy shoots at black people!
Resident Evil 5 (360/PS3) - Yes, I know this is the most anticipated game of 2009. I know everybody thinks this is going to be the best game of the year. But let's not forget, there were a lot of people saying that Haze and Lair were also going to be on the top of the top ten lists at this time last year. And what about Assassin's Creed, there were certainly a lot of people talking about how that was going to be the game to beat in 2007. The point is, let's not proclaim any game the best of the year before we actually play the game. And, unfortunately, what we've played of Resident Evil 5 is just a little too similar to Resident Evil 4. That's not to say that it won't be a fun game, but it could very well be nothing more than the same game with a new coat of paint and co-op play. Capcom isn't known for taking a proactive approach to their Resident Evil games, so I fear that they could be dragging their heals yet again when they could be innovating.

Splatterhouse (360/PS3) - At its best, the original three (yes, three) Splatterhouse games are no better than mediocre. Yes they are bloody and slimy and all of that other stuff, but they were only shocking at a time when Super Mario Bros. was considered violent. Now we get what appears to be an ugly reboot of the franchise, turning it into something of a 3D brawler. And you

I don't remember Splatterhouse looking so lame!
know how well brawlers have translated to the 3D world, just look at the Final Fight reboot and Spikeout. Is there a way to turn the story of Rick and his girlfriend into a compelling multi-hour action game? I have a hunch that this game will make a good impression but lose traction the further you get.

Street Fighter IV (360/PS3) - Hey thanks Capcom, it looks like you made a brand new 3D version of Street Fighter II ... just what I always wanted. Sarcasm aside, I have to wonder

Yeah, I know, they don't like each other. This is all ground that was covered in two other Street Fighters, maybe it's time to move on!
why there are only a handful of new characters. For the most part we get the original World Warriors, Cammy, Rose and a few other series mainstays, but only a few brand new characters. I'm not saying you have to go crazy like you did with Street Fighter III, but dammit Capcom, was it really necessary to make a new version of Street Fighter II?

Tenchu: Shadow Assassins (Wii) - Crummy graphics? Check. Cliche hero? Check. Motion controls? Check. A recipe for disaster? Check, check, check! Here's the problem with Tenchu, the franchise hasn't been good in a decade. There have been some moderately tolerable Tenchu games (mostly on the PlayStation 2), but nothing that has been as innovative and exciting as what we saw years ago on the original PlayStation. What's more, Manhunt 2 proves that motion controls don't always make an action game

It's going to take a lot more than motion controls to resurrect this troubled franchise!
better. Making stabbing and slashing motions isn't always more entertaining than just pretending to do those things. Either way, Tenchu will be a disaster because that's what we've come to expect from the franchise.

Tony Hawk 10 (360/PS3) - Here's what we know about Activision's tenth Tony Hawk game: It's going to be more realistic, Neversoft isn't developing the game and it will probably come with some sort of fake plastic peripheral. While I'm fine with Neversoft pursuing other franchises and genres, I'm decidedly not okay with the series going realistic. I'm sorry, but we already have that game, it's called Skate. Skate is a fantastic simulator that sets itself apart from the Tony Hawk series, so

But why is he so damn angry?
having Tony Hawk forget what made it good to begin with (the over the top tricks and unrealistic nature of the world) is a real shame. And did I mention that people are starting to call it Tony Hawk's Adrenaline, which may be the most troubling development of them all.

MadWorld (Wii) - You've seen the trailer, you know how cool the game looks and you're it's on the top of your must-have list this year. Well Wii fans, remember one thing: This game is being developed by Sega! I don't think I need to tell you that they haven't had the best track record, especially when it comes to making new IPs. Does anybody remember Billy Hatcher? Of course they don't. The point is, MadWorld is just another Sega game with a lot of potential. Sure it's being developed by people responsible for some of Capcom's

At least you got to kill Hitler in this version of the game!
greatest hits (Resident Evil, Okami, Devil May Cry, etc.), but can they pull off an experience better than, say, God Hand? Sega always finds a way of screwing things up, they always have and they always will. If you think that MadWorld is going to escape the wrath of Sega, then you haven't been paying attention to their clumsy history.

Wolfenstein (X360) - Once upon a time Wolfenstein was Id Software's bread and butter. It was one of the stepping stones to the company's mega-selling computer game, Doom. But even after dabbling in Hell on Mars and surviving Quake, Id still had the good sense to bring Wolfenstein back. These days Id doesn't even mention Wolfenstein, mostly because they have absolutely nothing to do with it. This Xbox 360 game is being developed by a completely different company and is being published by Activision (who

Not even a new accessory and highly advanced high definition video technology is going to make Frisbee throwing fun!
isn't the company Id recently signed a publishing agreement with). If that's not bad enough, the developer working on this game is the same group that brought us Quake 4 on the Xbox 360, a bunch of mediocre X-Men games and the upcoming Wolverine movie tie-in. And you don't get to kill Hitler. Now how confident do you feel about this upcoming Wolfenstein game?

Wii Sports Resort (Wii) - Let's be honest, when it comes right down to it there are only a couple of good games on the original Wii Sports. Everybody likes bowling and the boxing has a cult following, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if most people couldn't even name you the other three sports on the disc. How much you want to bet that Wii Sports Resort is exactly the same way? The fencing mini-game I played at E3 was entertaining enough (albeit completely out of place) and I had a reasonably good time on a jet ski, but Frisbee was completely pointless. You also need to consider the cost of Wii Sports Resort. At E3, Nintendo announced that each copy of the game would come with one Wii Remote Plus connector, which is only good if you want to play a one player game. Want to play multiplayer? Then you will need to pony up the cash for two or maybe even three additional Wii remote pieces. Wii Sports was fun and all, but does anybody really think that a resort-based sequel is the killer app hardcore gamers have been waiting for?

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