As a rule of thumb I won't have anything to do with bananas. It's a gooey yellow mess that is the number one cause of divorce in this country. Oh they don't tell you that on the news, but trust me when I tell you that bananas are evil. Having said that, I decided to ignore my no-banana rule long enough to look at the cover of Top Banana, a horrible Commodore 64 game starring Dora the Explorer. Actually, that's not Dora, but it might as well be. Here you have a spunky young girl with black hair jumping on floating platforms and collecting hearts. While most young women in this situation would be extremely intelligent (giving young girls a role model to look up to), this Dora the Explorer wannabe is a real dummy. How can I tell that she's packing cold cereal for brains? Simple, she didn't stop to question why she's collecting hearts and jumping on floating platforms. The fact that she doesn't seem the least bit concern about the fact that there are floating platforms suggests that she's not playing with a full deck.

Moving past Dora the Explorer, Top Banana offers a few bullet points to get you to buy the game. For example, the box boasts that Top Banana features "Sampled Graphics." Sampled graphics? What the heck is that? Does that mean you copied somebody else's work and are passing it off as your own? And what exactly do they mean when they say that Top Banana has "Cybermix Sound"? Is that even a good thing? And who cares if the packaging is recycled, most game packaging is. Perhaps the most confusing is when it says that it has "Edible Sprites." Even if I could eat the characters in Top Banana I doubt I would, they just don't look that appetizing to me. Oh wait, that's not "Edible Sprites" ... that's "Editable Sprites." Hmm, I kind of like it better when I thought I could eat the graphics. Oh well, this is yet another reason why this cover fails.