Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...
Q1: You Can't Hide Plastic Surgery!
DEAR BLINKY:A co-worker, "Marilyn," recently returned from time off with a noticeably different face. She said nothing about it, so we didn't either for a while. Finally, one woman remarked to her that she appeared to have had "some work done." Blinky, Marilyn denied it!
What's considered proper here? Should we have said something initially about her radically changed appearance? We were afraid if we ignored it she'd be disappointed. Having spent that much money and gone through that much pain, wouldn't she have been crushed if we hadn't?
INQUIRING MINDS IN PASADENA
DEAR INQUIRING MINDS: Oh honey, don't be so catty. The last thing you want is a reputation for being bitchy. ME-OW! But you're right; I totally get what you're saying. In fact, I know this first hand. You know that guy I used to chase for
He once looked like this ...
a living? Mr. Pac-Man? Well, a few years ago that dude had the world's most obvious procedure. I mean, he went way over board. He had his face done, his lips done, his arms done, legs done and even his feet. I'm serious; the guy had his feet worked on. I guess that's what all of that arcade money will buy you.
But now Pac-Man looks like this! How curious!
And you know what makes this even worse? The old Pac-Man didn't have any of that. We all know what he used to look like, he was flat and only had a head. Hell, the guy barely had eyes. But now he's walking around, jumping on ledges and talking everybody's ears off. You don't see me doing that, do you? I could, you know. I have money, too. He may have been the star of that game, but the supporting cast was compensated. I could go and get hands. You don't think I want hands? That would make my spooking so much easier, of course I want hands. But the doctor's say there's nothing they can do about it, they haven't figured out how to work on a non-corporeal ghost yet. It's just not fair. Screw you, Dr. Johnson and your bigoted no-ghosts policy. I used to be a star. I'm not an animal!
Q2: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!
DEAR AERO THE ACROBAT: I'm a 15-year-old girl and I have always had a fear of heights. But my mother and sister love thrill rides. As a result, we often go to theme parks. When we do, I'll usually go on a couple of the "kiddie rides," which is what Mom calls "mild" rides. Mom and my sister try to drag me on the roller coasters, but I always say no.
I have been driven to tears more than once. She won't stop even if my friends are with us. I wish I could stay home when they go, but then my mom accuses me of being "antisocial."
Please tell me what I can do or say to her to make her stop doing this.
TIRED TEEN IN COLTON, N.Y.
DEAR TIRED TEEN: Oh my god, Tired Teen, you read my mind! I know exactly how you feel, I'm deathly afraid of rollercoaster rides. Then again, I used to work at a carnival, so
Zero, on the other hand, total straight edger!
I'm pretty much afraid of everything these days. Don't even get me started. Do you see this Alcoholics Anonymous chip? I got that after ten years of hard drinking thanks to all of the phobias I got from that god damn carnival. There's nothing about that thing that I can trust, not the rides, not the animals, hell, I'm even afraid of tall red guys who wear red!
I don't think you understand, there were days when I couldn't even leave my dressing room. I felt like there would be cannons going off, little kids crying and those clowns. Oh those clowns! What I took away from that was a lot of repressed feelings and hostility. I knew that around every corner there was going to be a fat woman with a beard. I avoided the dog park on the way to work, the last thing I want to do is get mauled by another four-legged beast. I avoided life. I just sat there watching reruns of According to Jim and drank. But now I'm sober and mounting my comeback. So tell your mom to get off your back, either that or start drinking. Have you heard of Jell-o shots?
Q3: I'm A Barbie Girl!
DEAR KEN: I have been involved with "Barbie" for about six months. She's everything I ever wanted in a mate. We have a similar sense of humor, and our goals and ambitions are almost identical. Our values match, too -- except for one: My sense of propriety seems to be a stumbling block.
Ken, Barbie wears sheer tops and no bra. She doesn't usually wear any undergarments, either, even when she's in a fairly short skirt.
I grew up Southern Baptist, raised around women who feel that kind of attire is unacceptable and trashy. While the female body is, to me, one of the most beautiful things on Earth, I was brought up to believe that leaving something to the imagination is more desirable than showing everything. Barbie says I've got hang-ups, and I don't necessarily disagree. How can I deal with this?
TRYING TO LOOSEN UP IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR TRYING TO LOOSEN UP: Now wait a god damn minute! You can't be dating Barbie ... I'm dating Barbie!! I've been dating the chick for almost fifty years and she has the balls to cheat on me? TO CHEAT ON ME! Oh no, that's not how it's going
I'm sure Ken is just out of frame!
to go down. If anybody is going to cheat, it's going to be me! And don't even think I didn't have plenty of chances. I did, dude. Like, Teresa, Midge, Christie, Krissy and Nikki. And that's nothing, there was also a tempting offer on the table between twins Stacie and Todd. I'm just saying.
This sucks, it's total B.S.! All those things I did for that woman. Why did this have to happen to me? I know my career never really took off. While she's out starring in movies and
Recently Ken pitched a game about a young man who battles zombie cheerleaders!
getting her own video games, I'm usually just the guy in the background. You probably didn't even see me in Barbie's Horse Adventure; I was only there for a few seconds. I'm such a loser. I'm not even the most famous video game Ken. That honor goes to some street fighter. He even got his own doll, but mine sold better thank you very much.
I just need to look on the bright side. I can get away from all of that woman's constant nagging and fame. Trust me, Trying To Loosen Up, she's not worth it. Unless you have a jet and a hot car, she's going to get tired of carrying your ass. Then she'll be crawling back to me. Yeah, that's what will happen. Then I'll be even more popular. I would be like that guy Britney Spears married first, Jason Alexander. That dude went on to star in Seinfeld! Now he's the bomb. He's totally famous. I can be that Jason Alexander, that's going to be me!
(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)