Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...
Q1: Stop Buying Doughnuts, Fatso!
DEAR LARA CROFT: I am 8 years old, and I love science. I am writing you because when I go to the doughnut shop, they always give me paper bags when I order my doughnut to eat there. I also notice other people getting bags they don't need because they are eating their doughnuts there, too.
How many trees have to die for no reason?
I care about recycling and how long it takes for things to break down in the earth. What can I do so the doughnut shop will stop wasting bags?
-- MANDI IN SCARSDALE, N.Y.
DEAR MANDI: As an important spokesperson for women of all ages, I was excited to get your letter. You sound like a perfectly delightful young girl, the kind of upright citizen that I wouldn't mind
The Lara Croft model (not to be confused with the real person, who responded to Mandi)!
seeing once every few months when I'm not out outsmarting the competition and finding all of that hidden treasure. Oh those foolish boys, when will they ever learn?
But I digress, I think you had some sort of question about killing trees and paper and whatnot. Well listen, Mandi, you may be eight years old, but that doesn't mean that you have the right to malign a perfectly good profession. There is nothing wrong with lumberjacks and paper production, it's not a matter of killing trees or even hurting the environment. The truth is, paper trees want to be cut down. It's not like they're doing any good just standing there wasting everybody's time. Besides, if they didn't want to move they would, you know, scream or hurt somebody or something. But that doesn't happen, so the best I can tell the trees want to be logged.
But wait, there's more. You see, the trees that get cut down to make those pieces of paper, they are set aside specifically for this reason. When a section is logged, new trees are planted and the process starts all over again. It's no different from complaining about the lettuce you are eating or a carrot in your salad. Those yummy vegetables are grown specifically to be eaten, just like these trees are grown to create paper. Besides, it only takes a few days for paper to biodegrade, so maybe you should stop hyperventilating and do your research.
Q2: Nudity, It's For Breakfast!
DEAR MR. BIG: I'm having a problem with my next door neighbors. We just purchased a wonderful historical home located in an awesome neighborhood. My problem is, after we moved in, we realized that these people are exhibitionists. They have no window coverings in their home, which has large windows on all sides. At night you can see all the way through to the other side.
Our home has no back door, so when we need to let our dog out, we must walk along the driveway. We refer to it as "walking the gauntlet." This couple eats their breakfast at a table next to the side window dressed only in their night clothes. At 7 a.m., I am in my robe. Should I wave or hang my head in shame?
I know I should have checked the neighbors out before we bought. I come from a rural area, but still, I had blinds. Flaunting my nightwear or my husband's is kind of personal. Please advise.
-- PUT OFF IN TEXAS
DEAR PUT OFF: Here there sweet thing, come a little closer. Big Poppa has something he wants to say. Now let's look at you. Mmmmm mmmmm, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you? The way you fill out that dress and how the makeup just dances on those pretty lips. I bet I could get a cool grand for a tight little ass like that on the streets, if you know what I mean? I like you, you have
No, not THAT Big!!
spunk. I bet if I put you out on the streets right now you could really bring the heat. And you'd like it. I know you'd like it, or else. Because that's the kind of cat I am.
So let's talk about this problem you're having. I sent my guys over to your house to get a firsthand look, and sure enough there were your neighbors just lounging in their bras and panties. It was disgusting. So I took care of the problem. You'll never have to worry about those two again. But a funny thing happen when my guys were at your place. They noticed that you were having an affair with your brother-in-law. We also noticed that you have been lying about paying all of the bills so that you can go out and buy expensive clothing. I have a hunch that your husband might want to know something about this, no? So why don't you come up to my office and we can work out some sort of deal. Sound like a plan? I thought so.
(Editor's Note: After sending Mr. Big this letter, we realized that Put Off In Texas was likely writing to Mr. Big from the Art of Fighting series, not the character from NARC. Usually we would get a hold of Mrs. Put Off, but unfortunately she has yet to return any of our calls. We also attempted to track her down at work, but nobody has seen her for several days. We apologize for any inconvenience this mix-up may have brought. If anybody has seen Mrs. Put Off make sure and contact the authorities immediately ... and please let her know that her family misses her.)
Q3: Should I Live With Diabetes?
DEAR CODY TRAVERS: I am 22, and a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I must inject myself with insulin four times a day. If I am going to be away from home for more than a few hours, I must bring my insulin and other supplies with me.
When I'm in public -- like in a restaurant -- I feel as though going off alone to inject myself is denying a part of who I am, so I choose to remain visible when I inject. What is your take on this? I have never seen anyone else do it in plain view, but I would like to because diabetes is nothing to be ashamed of. People often ask questions when I do it, and I'm happy to answer them and to spread awareness.
Do you agree that accepting a disease like this is more easily achieved when one is not isolating oneself?
-- UNASHAMED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
"Hey, is that an unattended car?"
DEAR UNASHAMED: EXACTLY!! I've been going through the same thing lately. Everybody is telling me how to behave, but I'm a grown man, I'll do what I want. They say that I should relax and not beat so many people up. But damn, yo, fools need to be beaten up! They say, don't beat up that car. But again, cars need to be beaten up. They say, don't eat out of the garbage can. But what else am I supposed to do? Damn! I've been kicked out of every local Jack in the Box for beating people up and I'm still hungry. And if I'm not supposed to eat out of the garbage, then why is there a full hamburger just sitting there waiting for me? Did you ever think about that? Did you? Of course not, because you're Ms. Manners.
Anyway, I don't think you should take it anymore. If shooting up in public makes you feel like a rock star, then do it. If you want to strip naked and jump on that table, then do it. If you want to get down here on my lap and show me some love ... well, actually, why don't you do that? You are a girl, right? I've been burned before, so I always make sure and check. You can never be too careful these days. Also, can we keep this on the down low? I don't want my girlfriend finding out, I've met her dad and let me tell you, you do not want to see him angry!
(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)