Defunct Games
Video Game Advice (Working Title)
The Rule of Duke Togo
By Cyril Lachel   |   Posted on December 26, 2008   |   Episode 6 (Show Archive)
Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...

Q1: I Am the Greatest Person in the World!

DEAR JENNIFER: My older sister, "Iris," has suffered from depression for years, partly due to the success I have achieved in my life. I have traveled internationally, received scholarships, and now at 26, have a well-paying job and a loving husband.

Iris dropped out of college twice, works a minimum-wage job and has never had a boyfriend. I never brag about any of my achievements, but we talk on the phone often and she knows everything that's going on in my life.

I have now learned that I'm expecting my first child. I'm afraid that when Iris finds out, she may be devastated. How can I tell her without sending her into a deeper depression, and how can I enjoy the good things that happen to me without feeling guilty about my sister?
-- GUILTY IN CANADA


DEAR GUILTY IN CANADA: So let me get this right, you're a 26 year old woman who has traveled internationally, received scholarships, have a well paying job, a loving husband and you're expecting your first child. In fact, your life is so good that you fear that it's ruining your older
sister's life? Are you daft? How about you get over yourself, missy. It's not good enough that you know how amazing your life is, but you need everybody else to know and acknowledge your success. In the school I go to there's a word for people like you. What was it again? Oh, that's right - bitch!

Do you want to hear about my life? Of course not, you're too stuck on how great your life is to actually know anything about other people. But I'm going to tell you anyway. You know what, my parents died. And then, on the way to my new home, I was knocked out and buried alive. You heard me, I was buried alive!! And do you know what I do now? Well, I am forced to do the bidding of a bunch of vindictive little girls, known as the Aristocrats of the Red Crayon. Every day I have only a few minutes to myself, and, being the good person I am, I decided to answer your burning question. So what do I get? I get a letter that is 99% about how great your life is and 1% about how sad your sister is. Of course she's sad; she has a gloating bitch sister hovering over her. If you were my sister I too would be taking anti-depressants. And trust me, that means something, I'm living in the world's worst boarding school and still I function without the use of drugs. So get over yourself, woman. Be happy for your accomplishments, but there's no reason everybody needs to know that you traveled abroad!

Q2: Don't Eat and Talk, Dummy!

DEAR DUKE TOGO: I frequently dine out for business meetings. What is the proper way to react when someone asks you a question and you have just taken a bite of food or are in mid-chew? I feel I must acknowledge them, but I don't want to talk with my mouth full.
-- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, FORT COLLINS, COLO.


DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Thanks for the question; you couldn't have asked a better person. I'm an international spy ... but don't tell anybody that, I'm trying to keep that on the QT. I travel the world killing people, dining at all of the finest restaurants and bedding some of the most attractive women on the planet. I also have the coolest name ever. Frankly speaking, you
should feel honored in having me answer your question. Not everybody gets advice from a super popular secret agent like me. But again, don't go spreading this around, I'm trying to keep my identity completely hush hush.

So what should you do when somebody asks you a question while you're eating? Well, the simple answer would be never to eat in front of other people. I don't. You'll never see me eating anything in front of important business people. You may see me chase after them in my car or snipe them from my swanky hotel room, but you'll never see me eat in front of them. Actually, you may want to erase that whole thing about me sniping them from your memory, I would rather people not know I'm a world famous spy.

Anyway, the other suggestion I would have is to employ dialog boxes. That's what I do. The mystery of Duke Togo is that you'll never actually hear me say a word. You can read what I would say in the dialog box, but you will never hear me say it out loud. Even now I choose to address you in the written word; it's just more elegant and sexy. The truth is, I'm the perfect spy for all of the deaf people out there, they can watch me kill people and never feel like they missed anything. But remember, don't tell anybody about me being a spy, I would like to keep that secret as long as possible.

Q3: Bisexual, You Say?

DEAR TINGLE: My 14-year-old daughter, "Melissa," is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night.

I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same -- mainly because Melissa won't end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?
-- MOM IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.


DEAR MOM IN ST. PETERSBURG: Oh my god, that is so fantastic. It sounds like you are a really understanding mother. I wish you could have been my mother, when I was young my intolerant grandmother and her racist husband were the only
parents I knew. I was a sad tomato. But look at me now, I'm coming out and I want the whole world to know! Life is fabulous and I'm starting to get a lot of work. And you know how you can tell that I've made it? I'm answering your spectacular question, that's how!

So let me get serious for a minute, it sounds like your husband is clueless when it comes to understanding sexual identification. I understand, it's new to him. Maybe we can cut him a little slack. If Melissa was to live by his draconian rules then she would never be able to have friends of either sex, simply because she claims to be bisexual. But that's ridiculous, and deep down I bet he knows that. Instead you have to explain that bisexual girls can have friends they are not attracted to. Ask him if he's attracted to Janet Reno or Roseanne Barr. Of course he isn't, he's attracted to Heidi Klum and that Angelina Jolie. The same is true with your daughter, she's not attracted to Roseanne Barr, either, so it would be totally safe to have her spend the night at her house. Oh, this will be so much fun; you and your husband can go through all of your daughter's friends playing "hot or not." Better yet, do it right in front of them. If there's one thing I know about young girls, it's that they like to be objectified and categorized as being either hot or not. It's how they grow their self confidence. At least I hear that's right. Actually, I don't spend much time around women these days, so maybe you shouldn't quote me on that. Thanks for the fabulous question, though.


(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)