Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...
Q1: How To Take Out an Evil Sister?
DEAR JACK BAUER: My stepsister, who I have to share my room with when she stays with us, snooped in my drawers when I wasn't there and found my birth control pills. Now she's blackmailing me. She says she will tell my mother if I don't give her money.
Mother would go crazy if she found out I was using the pill. I know she wouldn't let me see my boyfriend anymore, and I couldn't handle that. I never thought I would feel like killing somebody, but that's the way I feel right now. Please tell me what to do. I don't want to give in to blackmail.
-- VICTIMIZED IN WYOMING
DEAR VICTIMIZED IN WYOMING: Okay, you're going to have to pay attention and listen to what I have to tell you, because I'm NOT going to repeat myself. Do you understand? Good. I've been sent here to resolve sister conflict and I only have 24 hours to do that. If I fail my mission you will see nuclear bombs detonate in Paris, London, New York City, Tokyo and Los Angeles. You will also see the U.S. President shot and killed, replaced by an evil Vice President that secretly planned the whole course of events. So you will understand when I tell
you that we don't have a lot of time, we have to make the next 24 hours count. Do you understand? I said: DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Okay, good, so here's what you need to do ...
The U.S. government does not negotiate with terrorists, so you're going to have to take matters into your own hands and figure out a way of diffusing the whole situation. Perhaps there's something you can blackmail her with? I suggest you find someplace to hide (on the ceiling, in an air vent, etc.) and then catching her doing something even worse. Actually, we don't have time for that, we only have 24 hours before the bears, elephants and electric eels are unleashed in America's heartland. We need to think fast, there must be something you can do to fix this situation.
I guess we could always go to my favorite stand-by - torture. I know it sounds bad, but when you absolutely can't kill your sister (and I'm going to say that there's a 60% chance that you can't kill your sister) torturing them is the next best thing. Best of all, you have literally thousands of different ways you can torture your little sister. You can go the basic, like forcing them to listen to Nickleback albums all day or chopping a toe off. If that doesn't work you can always try something more elaborate, like water boarding or forcing her to co-star in a Larry the Cable Guy movie. No matter what you choose this should do the trick, it's always worked for me in the past. If that doesn't do the trick then I suggest just telling your parents that you're sexually active, what's the worst they could do?
Q2: Some People Are Too Damn Fussy!
DEAR PIKACHU: I was recently invited to a friend's house for the weekend. As I prepared to retire for the night, I realized that the sheets were not clean.
I looked for another set of sheets to change the bed, but couldn't find any. It was late, my hostess had gone to bed and -- needless to say -- I didn't have a great night's sleep. I didn't want to embarrass her, but I didn't want to sleep on a soiled bed. How would you have handled this?
-- SLEEPLESS IN COLORADO
DEAR SLEEPLESS IN COLORADO: Pika ... Pika ... Pika ... PIKA-A-ACHOOOO! Oh man, sorry about that, apparently I'm allergic to stuck up perfectionists who send their petty concerns to advice columnists. Now I may be some small yellow rodent with a limited vocabulary, but even I can see the solution to this problem. When you go to a friend's house you demand perfection, and why wouldn't you? After all, you are the queen of the world and deserve to have everything spotless when you show up. Heck, I'm surprised you can even get up in the morning knowing that here's a chance that dust could have accumulated and somebody might have put something in the wrong spot. That's
right; the problem isn't those dirty sheets, but rather the fact that you're a massive control freak that alienates the people closest to you.
Take it from me; your sleeping arrangements could be a whole lot worse. I mean, let's be realistic here, I sleep almost every night in this small ball that is about the size of a child's closed fist. I'm a cat-sized Pokemon character for crying out loud, I need a bed that I can stretch out in, not something where I'm being squished and squeezed into a tiny ball that some snot-nosed kid keeps in his pocket. And if that wasn't bad enough, when I'm not hurting my back and paws in that sphere, I'm forced to sleep on the ground ... usually outside, where it's raining and cold. Now, seriously, do you still want to complain about something as stupid as dirty sheets?
And really, how dirty could these sheets have been? Were you staying in Marcus Phoenix's chainsaw room? If it's just a couple of stains or some unknown liquid then I say you have nothing to complain about, but if it's covered with alien blood or Jigglypuff manure then I can totally see your point. But seriously, woman, you need to get over your sanitary obsession. I mean, if I can sleep in a tiny little ball then you should be fine with sleeping over a urine-stained sheet.
Q3: Recent Transplant Doesn't Know What To Do!
DEAR NIKO: I have recently moved from New Jersey to Florida. When I am invited to someone's home for a party or dinner, I always bring a hostess gift, wine or dessert. However, when I invite these people to my home, they wrap or pack up what they brought and take it with them when they leave.
I have never experienced this where I was raised. Is this proper?
-- NEWCOMER TO FORT PIERCE, FLA.
DEAR NEWCOMER TO FORT PIERCE, FLA: I apologize if my English is not so good, like you I recently moved away from my home. But where I'm from everybody is depressed, there is constant fighting and the economy is not so good. Then again, you moved from New Jersey, so maybe
you too can feel my pain. But that is neither here nor there. I have actually never heard of this particular custom, so I'm not sure if I'm the one you should be asking. If I had to bring gift for every party I went to or girl I went out with, I would never have any money left over for lunch and hookers. Either that or I would have to stop going to parties, and ever since I robbed a bank and took out Dimitri I have been real popular.
Where I come from we have a similar custom, only we aren't the ones bringing gifts. When I would go to a party or dinner I would scope out the most valuable item in the room and pocket it. You might be surprised how much money you can earn from this, which is probably why I found myself going out three and four times a night. Heck, it got so bad that I was stopping by people's houses unannounced. Perhaps this kind of thing could work for you, too? Just remember, whatever you do, do not throw any dinner parties. All it takes is one or two big parties before your pad is completely cleaned out. I wouldn't worry too much about bringing a gift, just make sure you're the first person at the party to find the jewelry box.
(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)