Every day Defunct Games is flooded with hundreds of questions, ranging from comments about our newest shows to our thoughts on old games to relationship questions. We get it here at the Defunct Games offices. In order to help answer some of these letters we've decided to bring in our stable of famous old school video game characters. For the first time ever you'll be able to get family advice from Lara Croft all while asking Sam Fischer how to make the world's best sandwich. This is the Video Game Advice (Working Title) and we're about to go live with your question ...
Q1: Making Large Amounts of Money is Easy!
DEAR TOMMY VERCETTI: One day my dad was talking to one of my friends, and he said, "We're poor." Tommy, we live in a nice house in a middle-class neighborhood. Both my parents have their master's degrees, and I never have to worry about having something to eat or if I can afford to pay for my college education.
My parents always make comments about how much things cost and how much they can't buy. I'm sorry, but it's just a little bit irksome. I feel like their obsession with money is putting a crimp on enjoying the good things in life. Why can't they be a little more "cup is half-full"?
-- LINDSAY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LINDSAY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA: Hey, Lindsay, that's a really great question. As you may already know, I started out poor and have worked my way up to being one of the biggest players in Vice City. That didn't happen by accident, I paid my dues
and did whatever I could to get money and reinvest it into my business. Forget Suze Orman, if you ever have financial questions you just need to come and talk to Vercetti.
Okay, so let me see here, what was your question again? Oh, that's right, feeling like you're poor. Well, do something about it. I'm serious. Instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourselves, why don't you get out and earn some money the old fashioned way? I'm of course talking about shooting people for it. You would be surprised how much you can earn in a single night of just run and gun. No really, go down to the subway station and just run back and forth cappin' fools. How do you think I was able to afford this posh apartment?
But maybe that's too violent for you, you sound kind of young and you probably shouldn't be cappin' fools until you're at least 18. What you might want to do is just hang out next to people who are in the middle of a gang war. Just find a nice safe seat across the street and watch the two gangs go at it. Once they've killed each other (or the police have broken it up), just swoop in and take a bunch of money. See, that wasn't hard. Now, why didn't your parents (with their master degrees) think of that? I mean, that's Economics 101 as far as I'm concerned.
Q2: Wait ... Teenage Girls Like Boys? Who Would Have Thought?
DEAR ANDREW RYAN: I'm 14, and I'm really worried about my best friend, "Allie." I moved from our old school to a school nearby, so I haven't talked to her as much lately as I used to. Allie doesn't call often, but when she does, she tells me about talking to boys online. This is how she met her current boyfriend, who is our age and lives in Texas. (We live in Ohio.)
Allie and this boy talk on the phone often, and it scares me. I'm scared she and someone she meets online will get together, and it will go badly.
She has been telling guys online that she's a cheerleader at our local college, which she isn't, of course. She's in ninth grade like I am. Should I tell her parents what's going on, or someone else? My mom and dad think I should call the police. What do you think, Andrew?
-- FEARFUL IN ALLIANCE, OHIO
DEAR FEARFUL IN ALLIANCE, OHIO: My name is Andrew Ryan and I'm here to ask you a question: Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? What is the difference between a man
and a parasite? A man builds, a parasite asks 'Where's my share?' A man creates; a parasite says 'What will the neighbors think?' A man invents, a parasite says 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God.'
I believe in no God, no invisible man in the sky. But there is something more powerful than each of us, a combination of our efforts, a Great Chain of industry that unites us. But it is only when we struggle in our own interest that the chain pulls society in the right direction. The chain is too powerful and too mysterious for any government to guide. Any man who tells you different either has his hand in your pocket, or a pistol to your neck.
A man chooses, a slave obeys. Fearful in Alliance, Ohio, you are a slave. Your friend, Allie, is a real go-getter, the type of person that isn't afraid to take the world by the neck and have fun in the playground of life. On the surface, a parasite like you expects everything to go your way. But you don't want it enough, because it's Allie who is going out there and getting her feet dirty. She's the one building the bridge for her future. She is a man, you are a parasite. So let her be, the two of you are now on two different tracks. And most importantly: Would you kindly get over being jealous of other people's success? It's not becoming, even to a parasite like you.
Q3: Get Your Dirty Hands Off My Clean Milk!
DEAR KRATOS: My husband and I have a 20-year-old nephew I'll call "Adam," who sometimes lacks good judgment. We have told him that when he visits he should ask before drinking our milk. The price of milk has gone sky-high, and we have a 7-year-old who drinks a lot of it. We have had to tighten our purse strings and try to make a gallon last a week. When Adam comes over, he will drink two or three big glasses of it. Now, instead of asking, he sneaks it when we're not looking.
His mother, "Faye," is also my best friend. While she was visiting, Adam waited until we went into the family room, then consumed more than half of the gallon of milk we had just purchased. When we discovered what had happened, we called Adam on his cell phone and told him we weren't happy about it. Faye overheard the conversation.
When we saw her the next day, she didn't seem too upset about it. But now that she's back home in Florida, she hasn't returned any of my calls or e-mails. Could scolding Adam about the milk have anything to do with Faye's silence?
-- SOURED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR SOURED IN CONNECTICUT: I know this isn't going to sound very helpful, but the truth is I really don't care. I'm locked in a battle with a half dozen angry Gods, permanently scarred by the memories of murdering my family and am about to pull off this dude's head so that I
can use it to unlock the door to a half-naked Medusa creature. And yet you're bothering me with a question about milk? MILK?!? Even if I spend the next three million years searching every inch of Hades, I'm never going to find enough interest to care about your puny little problem.
Surely you realized how stupid you sounded seconds after sending me this letter, we're arguing over a gallon of milk. Yes, this kid sounds like a real punk, but I would hope that you have something better to worry about.
But I understand the problem; you want a real solution, not just me laughing at how petty you people are. So here's what you do. Unfortunately in order to forever get him to stop drinking your milk you are going to have to spend a little money. I know this isn't going to sit well since you already don't like spending money on milk, but sometimes you have to spend money to keep the punk-ass bitches away from your fridge. So what you do is buy a gallon of milk and let it sit out for a few days. Don't let it get to the point
where it's so far gone that it's obvious, but get it to the point where it's going to leave a mark on whoever drinks it. Now, you're probably going to need a new gallon container (unless this kid isn't very observant and doesn't look at the expiration date). Now, hide the good milk and put the bad milk front and center. It's important that your family knows what's up; you don't want to poison your poor husband.
Once you've done all this, it's time for you to invite your friend and her son over for a pleasant day at your house. At some point in the day you should mention to the kid that he is not allowed to drink your milk, no kid can resist something like that. The trap has been set, now it's time for you to sit back and wait for the kid to make his move. Assuming he's as repulsed by expired milk as the rest of the world, this kid will no doubt run for the bathroom throwing up along the way. Problem solved, this kid will never drink your milk ever again. That's what I would do ... that is, if we had refrigerators in my day. But really, you should let this thing go, it's only milk.
(Disclaimer: Any and all advice giving in this episode of Video Game Advice Column (Working Title) should, and must, be disregarded completely. Never should you actually take the advice of these video game characters, this is entirely a joke and I doubt that Solid Snake is going to guide you in the right direction when it comes to you dumping your high school boyfriend for a teacher. And while we're talking, these are real letters that are written to Dear Abby. These people have been helped by Abby, so don't feel bad for them. But at the same time don't think that these letters are actually written to Defunct Games. What do you think this is? This is a show about fictional video game characters giving advice. Sheesh.)